The Time and Mind

 When I finally have the time,

I don't feel like moving a brain juice or muscles..

But then,

there are times one thing that pauses me and reflected my current self, and wants to be seemingly like that particular stranger, for a fruitful outcome one has and consistently keeping at it high up, makes my body burning with the unaccomplished goal. 

And today,

I look at the key in my palm, my mind is telling me this :

It's not mine,  I only rent it.

Not every thing is permanent, even if I own it.

The Most Expensive Item I Ever Bought In My Life 2020.

I have been surveying for about 2 months plus for the next ideal laptop. Reading quite a few reviews and comparisons, A mid-range gaming laptop that is more expensive than the new release of PS5 this December, the 15 inch Legion with a self Add-On 500GB SSD.

The SSD itself cost RM319 and bought from separate seller online, total 5.8K for this Legend, a name I call. With the tools I have, it took me more than 30 minutes to remove the laptop cover, the implement is actually short after surfing from internet. Complete time is an hour for me to DIY plus some tinkering.

The gaming graphics are superb and detailed. With its speed and lagless in motion does give me head spin.

Item List 2020

Online purchase has evolved this year. To much of surprise is, I can get almost any items from online platform,and have them deliver straight to house or office building to receive. It's much cheaper than buying from physical stores, the only thing that's different is some items need to be DIY.

My 2020 buying list is surprising alot.

Due to this pandemic, I bought a cushion gaming chair in April. Then that's when I started more on online purchase.

1) mouse - rubber worn out and sticky. (I actually bought on physical store)

2) Gaming chair - help my sore back while working long hours in front the screen.

3) Neckband headset - mic broke

4) Phone - phone broke, tragically...

5) Bookshelf - have been looking for a sturdy one that helps organize my book and stuff all in one place

6) Bed desk - After my old table broke, I need a desk with drawers as replacement

7) Mousepad - actually bought for my workplace as the old one is worn out and sticky.

8) Laptop - My Hector's hard disk failure and I need to invest a laptop that has better cooling system, Windows 10 for work, upgrade graphic card for new gaming, 10th gen processor and SSD storage

9) SSD - for extra storage

10) XP-Pen drawing tablet - Display Monitor tablet for my drawing hobby

I sure spent alot this year, trying to love and pamper myself eventhough my mind is at lost

My whole 2020 Life

 CONs

1) Work overtime.

Since March, we human starting to adapt the work from home lifestyle, thanks to Covid-19 pandemic. Many are afraid to lose their current while they have, bosses take this chance to manipulate and indirectly threaten employees to work overtime and forced extra time to achieve high productivity shortest deadlines.

Many employees of all fields are greatly affected, to the end of either losing job or losing self. Many has low to zero income decided they change swiftly as the New Norm goes, by taking up odd jobs, self-employed or move back hometown. As for myself, like most employees think, keeping the job tight to survive living in cities. 

And, pay my soul price over steady income.

 

2) Lots of Grab Food

Work often stressed up both mental and health. Pampering myself with good food too often, just caused more guilty feelings of overspending and hurting my health and wallet.

3) Grow belly

With anxiety of not able to complete my work on time, caused me to sit longer on screen and messed up my usual routine, with irregular lifestyle, belly starts growing.

4) Less productivity

Tired and sleepy, my goals gradually unmet and dragged into river. I spend lesser time to draw or continue to draw. There's many games I wanted to play, there's many anime I wanted to watch, there's many artists' works I admired, there's many skills I wanted to learn to master.. But the only remaining weekends are for my sleep.

And December is coming. It was a big sacrifice just to keep my job.

5) Lonely

Introvert still feel lonely at times, and wants socializing once in a while.

 PROs 

1) Work From Home

I get to experience the life working in my medium room, where everything is in place with food and drinks anytime, and the mark of time to start working at usual time. I feel more self-disciplined, by means of having breakfast regularly. 

2) Co-op game

Introducing the excitement of playing games with people you know, discuss and laugh hard is more enjoying ever than playing bots alone by myself. World War Z became one of the most popular game during this pandemic year. It's so related to our spirits of staying alive and "Human stay dominant" objective.

3)  Flexibility

I have more time to do morning workout, I don't have to worry about being late to work or coming back late. I spend more time surfing internet.

Return to Work From Home

 It was announced that KL and Selangor especially, to Work From Home status ordered by the government for office staff, so my workplace is again station at home working. The differences between the 1st and recent work from home is that, many business still operating, people still seen on the streets and dine-in are allowed, for the sake of our economy and surviving jobs of employees.

Unfortunately, Sabah is severely hit by COVID-19's wave 3, with almost 900 new cases after the elections, the number has 

19th October 2020, Monday

COVID-19, a virus that transmit from human to human, now a huge threat that brought many deaths to the whole world and downing economy to the living.

Many poor states such my hometown, Sabah that has heavily relied on tourism are now poorer. More people living in poorer status as category B40 with pay cut or jobless are struggling to bring food to the table especially big families. I'm one of the lucky souls that side in peninsular Malaysia, and still have a steady income every month. I'm still one of those living ones in comfort zone, yet unsure of my firm future.

Continue saving money and keep my family's wealth and mentality steady is my priority. Job is what keep this priority moving. But, what keeps me moving..? Deep down, I am nothing useful except sketching my feeling.

8 October 2020, Thursday

30 September 2020,

My hand slipped, watching as my phone crash on the floor at the office in the morning. it was okay and usable eventhough the screen pops out. I broke my phon later in the afternoon, for touching the inside screen.. the left side went black lines..

I purchase a spare LCD display later the night and received on Friday afternoon. I suddenly have the aggressive decision to DIM (Do It Myself), later in the evening I purchase further for the adhesive tape for front & back phone and it reached on Tuesday. Yet, I puzzled whether I should get a new battery or a hot air gun as well, but I didn't, nor I have the interest to purchase a new phone if I can save the money to buy a new laptop.

7 October 2020,

After I received a hair dryer borrowed from a colleague, I began to disassemble my phone at lunch hour. It didn't went well... as I watched the wrong model which I thought it could be dismantled the same way, by the time I finished replaced, the screen stayed the same and never start up..

It was fun disassemble them, but it's not fun when thing went wrong. Should have let the professional do the professional.

8 October 2020, Thursday

Today's Dream,

I was inside a... fine dining restaurant ? There was a row of wine shelf next to a lobby area. I sudden foreseen that brown wine bottle, and it's falling right to someone, a lady? my friend ? I couldn't reach but she moved away from my warning. The wine bottle broke on the floor, the shards burst around the area, piercing my right arm and right lower leg.. bleeding.

I attempted to remove the tiny shards from my arm, but it hurts, I was left alone on the floor around the shards. I waited long for anyone to notice me and came to my aid, a waiter, probably it's a foreigner with African look. He helped remove the shards from my wounded arm.

 

11 October 2020, Sunday

I have been having weird dreams =, sometimes waking up terrified... Was it because of the blue light from my cooling pad that's left overnight..? Yea.. from Google Search, it's not harmful, but it fools my brain, thinking it's daylight.

Things started abit weird these past 2 months, a mess for me. I got leg pain, neck pain, laptop hard disk issue, now phone broken. I had no choice but to purchase a new phone suggested by my brother, and it will arrive on Monday probably noon. I was quite weary and undecided whether to purchase a new much high end laptop when 10.10 is on sale. These few days, however..

Without a phone,

It's quiet here. No phone calls, no messages disturb. The rise of wave 3 Covid cases from home, I kind of worry my mother's mentality after days without contacting her.

Without phone,

I simply can't do a simple click to everything, like alarm clock, write note, calculator, music, phone game. I too have to rely more to my watch and laptop clock or the light of the sky to know what time is it.

Without a phone,

A colleague joked about my existence too. Yea, phone nowadays is like a second most important tool to mark my existent. (while MyKad stays no.1) It's like cut off from the society and people around me.

Without phone,

I couldn't use Grab for ride nor food delivery, but it saved me from overspending on luxury food, when I can solve my one day meal with just RM7 for a plate of balance veggies and meat with free hot soup and chinese tea.

Without phone,

I feel that the time pass slower. yet I don't feel like doing anything other than cleaning my room and watch movie and play games. I feel that dissatisfaction of unaccomplished dream of me.

 I suddenly thought of myself, What had I learnt these past 7 years? What's the reason I came to West Malaysia? What was my goal? and what is it now? Am I still along the track?

I came here to become stronger to follow my ambition which is to publish my own manga. Somewhat, I still far and slow from reaching there. And there's still alot I haven't learn to draw right.

Going digital drawing is something different, different feeling, accuracy and handling the pen and tablet which I thought was same, but it's not.

 

3 October 2020, Saturday

 Most of my colleagues had a rough week at work, can't blame them for absent on the usual play hour. They all have their own family life to maintain and role as fathers and husbands. I played with an ex-colleague of mine on Friday, just two of us teaming with random players in multiplayer after the undefeated challenge. 

In the battlefield, we meet an old rival of my colleague, Martamaco2011 [Level90], we had a fair and square in battle. Then, comes one becomes my rival, Kotetier. =w= We both tied in killing at the very last of mission, killing each other, with knives.

Saturday night,

It has passed the usual time of play, no message appears in the chat group. I guess it's another day. So I decided to play with random players. First I join the hard mode challenge, and we did well covering backs of our teammates and the challenge is achieved.

Next, I level up my class by joining Horde mode in Wave 4. However there's unfairness in the team durng the battle, when one steal another's cash box after the breaching charges, that's the first time I heard the guy spoke to that stealer, yet he shared his medkit to heal the stealer, and said "----You are selfish, but----" and the left the team after the fight finished.

I and him started a new game again. and slowly two more joined in. When I heard another voice speaking during the game, it's a woman's voice. I guess I'm not the only one.

 

( With so many explosive ammo confirm win XD )

 

It was a tough battle to reach Wave 28 in the new upgrade World War Z. I finally made a record playing with random players. Still struggling at Wave 21 while still defend at the Hanger area and we all almost died and end the game, and we were so lucky that we respawn when all two players dead (me) and two players down when the Wave suddenly ends.  It's was only about Wave 24-25 onward only we fully begin battle at the gate altogether. We all have insufficient cash to buy anymore expensive items. I still help setting up machineguns for swarms of swarms of zombies while both fixer class place as many ammo on the ground to keep the supply check.

Having split in two man team of four, one team defend at front line (Terminal/Hanger area), while another team defend at the Gate area. Mainly with the help of two Fixer class's explosive ammo to hit heavy damage on every passing zombies. I guess that becomes a strategy I just discovered to keep the game going.

 This is the team players I was with. Great game ever.

11 September 2020, Friday

 It's Friday what everyone thinks is enjoy the fun night. I dropped by a popular sushi branch restaurant in Avenue K for a full meal dinner.

There is this appetizer called Ikura Chawanmushi that caused me a very bad allergy experience.. I'm glad that symptoms starts after I reach home. I got into my room, and changing my cloth as usual, it started itched around my armpit when I was taking off my binder. I start scratching it, thought was nothing but feeling odd when other parts of my body starting itching, gradually I could feel a subheat and redness growing on my palms, feet and reaches my ears to cheeks, like I looked drunk.

 Soon, my whole body appears with lines and lines of red scratches that I made earlier especially my buttock and back, like house abuse or skin of disease or a tiger.. while rashes appear around my arms. That I knew that dish... that prawn isn't fresh...

I sat down on the floor naked. I felt weak to stand up. I look into the mirror, there's slight swollen appear on my face, I feel the unknown heat that's burning my lips, red. I felt my skin on my forehead is being pulled backward. I felt my body is running out oxygen.. my hands starting to feel numb... I got abit difficult to breath enough oxygen for my body...

The symptoms was far worse than I had 2 years ago, as my body was running numb, quite dizzy plus stomached that didn't happened previously. I forced my way into the shower room, after toilet I sat down the cold, water running floor, barely have the energy to lift my shower gel to wash myself.. it took a while, trying to take more breathe in, slowly, it takes time, about 30 minutes for the poison to break down and rashes gradually disappear.

Weak and dizzy.. I lied down as soon as I'm dressed, continued to breath in. I know I couldn't move anymore, I closed my eyes, let myself hibernated.

There's no cold sweat, but I woke up 2.30am. I checked on my phone before I continued back to sleep.

TUTU Troll music a recent hit

 

 

I got to know this "69" because of the ad showing in Youtube. It got 10M views in just 3 hours. I was surprised that there's alot foul language usage and bitches naked scene (covered) can be aired as advertisement, I just got recommended and attracted by boobies and rapping shit facts.

What?

Many comments that this dude is the troll legend with troll mucics.

Well, it may be immoral to somebody who find it discriminating and humiliate those women in the MV, to me as long as they are happy and freely showing their attention and likes trouble, I'm not against anything, I enjoy with body temperature rising, that's all. =w=

30 August 2020, Sunday

Today's Dream

Luggage and backpacks, brother and I in one master room. Looks like a outdoor camping trip. The place looks deserted and haunted. It's like a large house with overgrow trees and branches, and everyone here have a room with comrades.

I have no idea why there's a trip organized in a remote, scary place. Well, we are packing up, seem it's our last day staying here. I have unusually more thing to pack up than my brother who's ready to head out the room. I felt someone watching before I leave.

Next mystery... where are the others? Where's brother? Why is it so quiet? Like everyone just disappear. But then, I heard a whisper voice, telling me to run towards the stone gate. I can think of any, I obey the voice and dash out the stone house door. I can immediately hear a disturbing noise from behind that's chasing my footsteps. un... undead !? I see no one behind but feels it's close by.

The stone gate is shut. The stone wall is sturdy and high. How am I suppose to climb over..? The wrecking balcony.. with my height.. I can't reach it. The collapsed stone wall piece, if I climb that and give a jump, 50-50 I might grab it the bar to reach.. but it's still feel unreachable.. as I step back, attempting to make a jump, the undead shows up and making its move towards me! I made to the balcony but as my shoulder let loose, the backpack drops. I not sure if I'm relief or panic, because I lost my food source and there's longer route to reach for help. Still dangling on top the wall roof, the undead can't reach me but it's trying to make its way up the wall, at the same time, I can't believe my eyes of what I saw... Why is there's another stone wall ??! Wait... that gate is locked too ??

Am I going to be eaten..? As I look around the stone wall to find a way out, the sun is setting, the place is getting colder and misty.. with the breeze sound of trees from the forest. Then I hear the voice whispers to me again, this time I see a shadow figure of a tall woman in dark cloak says "It's getting dark, you wouldn't make it out here in time, lost one,"

"Wha...t..?" All the sudden I sensed hopeless and about giving up, this figure overshadows my body, up very closely. She has that lustful face and alluring body... A cold long shadow grabbing my arm, that second I was pulled into a tent in pitch black. The light slowly fades as she zips the entrance. I can't see, it's totally black out inside here. I can't hear anything outside the tent either, it's like I'm inside another dimension without light and sound.

I can't see the woman in cloak, but pinpoint where her voice coming from, a sorcerer ? The owner of the house? I feel the slight touch on the shoulder.. her hand is unusually cold... is she even human living in this place? "Wai...t "  now she on top of me? 

"Don't worry, this tent is sound proof," while pinning me down, my arms are locked. I can feel her face is touching my chin. I'm feeling absorbed to her, with faster heartbeat.

'wait... what... ?'  I can't see what she's trying to do to me, is she one of them...?

 "Aaah..." it hurts! Something sharp as needle pokes into my neck.. a vampire.... two women ... one tent... I can feel my blood draining out from the suck. Should I be glad that I didn't get eaten undead but a vampire..?

= Dream Ends here but story continues =

"I saved you from those dead walkers, in exchange I'm digging some from your neck, be grateful that I don't chew,"

"Will I become undead?"

"Well no, I think," 

"Why so?"

"Because I'm not the one that turned them,"

"Besides, I find your body tempting to be my dinner,"

"Yo..u...."

"You just want to keep me alive,"

"Well, that's true. You are my freshest food source," she grinned.

"You should have let me die with my group,"

 "That would be a huge waste to let a virgin die,"

"Huh !? What did you.... ? Weren't you only take my blood?"

"Heh, I will save that for the last," ^w^

"You pervert vampire!"

 

At the mansion,

"I live here. This is originally my house,"

"They are the servants of my dead father who locked me here in this house,"

"They failed an experiment on me and that poison air-spread the whole mansion, that's how everyone here became dead walkers, all except me." 

"Well, they deserved it to be cursed even they are dead!"

"If you hate this place so much, why aren't you leaving this place?"

"Somehow I can't leave this place, there's active spells that forbid me leaving this place,"

"I like camping"

Broken down with tears.

 25 August 2020, Tuesday

I broke down in tears, but failed to conceal it, tried to finish the work... right after the result came unexpectedly.... I looked at the time on the monitor....7.12pm.. the day I thought I could leave work at least early than before but it struck me when things came to me for whole changes, to a work that consume more time to do and over the weekends.. went on delaying for the second day... other departments went chasing and consume more of my time to do amendments.. insisted that I should get the proper file just for one particular client another day and another day.. 

Everyday since 4 May, eyesore to have me watching others readying themselves at the lift, leaving office on time another day again and again... while my department constantly get checked of out undone job task, eventually get into a daily task done report and stay back working to satisfy the bosses..

Working overtime carrying computer home working on weekends for the past two weeks, just trying to make up all those ridiculous deadlines that everyone still think it's not their fault but blame that I work slow, just for one book and other file preparations...  Is my life worth just one book.. to them that one book is more important than me..? Yeah... they can just replace a new one...

The truth, everyday thinking about it will be another day working long hours had me lost appetite to eat.. even if I felt hungry.. I got sleepy between 8am-12pm, sometimes afternoon, yet couldn't get to sleep until between 1-3.30am.

A week before, it was confirmed that a new colleague will join the design team, I got excited at first. But when I heard the seating arrangement has changed, deep in heart I wasn't glad to hear as I thought we would add another desk as planned so all 6 and 1 new colleague will sit together... but eventually I chose to remain at the door.

Now that the new colleague join the group for lunch, there seemed no room for me to sit with them, so I tried join another two ladies, but with the same reason they gave was "talking P&C".. I left to join with another group from sales team. It was upset of me of hearing the designer team laughing at another table that I start to think I just became an extra. Probably I wouldn't be joining lunch with them, they are guys group afterall... I'm not with girl group or guy group, I'm just neither of them to begin with...

I couldn't control my flowing tears when reach home. I struggled to keep my nostril unblock... and it took long while to stop crying..

 

26 August 2020, Wednesday. 

I may had a good dream.. but when I wake up in the reality world.. tears come flowing again... Trying to control my tears but it didn't work out well.. I thought trying going back to work after visiting Mediviron panel clinic, it was awful cry the doctor considered my condition need to set down before getting worse, he have me took 2 days medical leave for recovery. However I had to pay RM21 for a sleepingvmedicine that's not covered by the company...

It was bad, that I lost concentration before I could get work done just as doctor said. I had my colleagues worry of my bad state. I couldn't speak well, I communicate them via whatsapp. My director called me Grab home to rest, my eyes is inflaming and heavy.

I had passerby residents worried my weak state of walking up steps... "take off your mask and take a breath slowly" the Indian middle aged woman advised, and even called another lady to watch while I climb up with the support handler.. it came handy now..

The rain pours right after I came out of shower, it was hot sunny earlier... was it comforting me ...?

I start writing on this blog after doctor advised. Deep down, I have no close friend nor special to me to share about even I turn 31.

27 August 2020, Thursday

Getting up 9.45am, I ordered KFC delivery. I took medicine and went back to sleep after watching anime <Grand Blue>, lay myself down to sleep.

My body lack the strength to stand or walk especially my knees are in weak state. I did my laundry and tidy my room.

Watching a mother carrying a toddler for a walk from my window. The air is fresher and windy after rain, I took doctor's advice, change my cloth and took my step to go for walk.

It's 75% slower than my regular walk. It feels like a person stop taking steroid shot and strength drops tremendously that kind of side effect. it took me an hour to finish 1 whole round instead of regular 12 minutes. Trying to gain back my strength of life, to prepare myself returning to work the next day.

28 August 2020, Friday

I return to work today.

The medicine is still taking over, I feel light-headed, my knees still weak to walk properly. I have to rely on my colleague to help buy me lunch. My speech and response is slow.

The medicine ( AlpraIzolam ) finally worn out in the late afternoon, my strength is slowly returning. I don't feel sleepy, but eyes filled with fire. I feel myself danger, as what I'm feeling in next step was stabbing those who made me going through this while they pretend nothing and ignored me the entire day.

I feel bad for my director that he had to stay late until 1am today as event is coming very shortly after Merdeka and preparations are still amending in the last minute as the project was originally my work, but wasn't presentable enough that he backupped for me instead. With 3 coming off days and event closing in, my strength still in recovery, I couldn't bring the office Mac home, so I have no choice to save work home for the weekend.

I have wanted to drop by mall and finally I able to get a nice dinner after so many weeks of overtime eventhough I have to walk long way despite my temporary weak condition. The curry pork ball wasn't I expected in the latest menu but it did boost my strength, I felt more better and walking normally, well...just for short while it returned to weak state.

11pm reach room, took my shower and applied deep heating for athletic sprain usage. I was able to play with my colleagues at midnight. It's first time we tried match with other players with us 5, and 3 random players. it was kind of fun laughing of new things, new experience.

Of course we acknowledge how dumbass and newbie we were when playing against other players who are very skillful and hard to kill with multiple shots.

29 August 2020, Saturday

Waking up sleepy... was it the medicine or was it me? I don't feel like the mood to do anything but craving for something sweet, I order Auntie Annie. It was fast-filling. But today I decided to stop medicine.

I had conversation with mom at night, I realized the medicine I took for after meal actually made me drowsy after a search and read on Google. It's a waste to sleep and do nothing whole Saturday...

Gossip about someone just being responsible.

It's not just happened in Japan, with many case in schools and even workplaces elsewhere in this world as long as the world never dies.

Gossip is toxic and affects people's mentality. It happened just today, that one of my colleagues overheard a bad gossip about her... and she directly confront that other.

I can't say I'm not part of it because I happened to be posted in this room with gossips watering around and I can't do anything about it being having "the majority taking the minor" system. 

I didn't want to get involved, yet I felt that saddening cry, feeling helpless to how to help her.

I used to be a school prefect, doing my duties... yet hated by the other classes and my whole class, just because I'm bearing responsibility more than caring how others feel being embarrassed in front of their classmates for being noisy when the senior classes below were taking examinations.

Lebanon Catastrophe

5 August 2020, Wednesday

I play Arknights, I read about its story and get the picture of catastrophe, but never know what catastrophe really is, and why Rhode Islands are so against the Reunion Movement..

Lebanon catastrophe. Never seen one in my life, never witnessing it to be so powerful and devastating view... flattening nearby buildings and sending everything flying with huge impact affecting as far as10km radius, maybe more...

 

= Update =

I made a 20 USD donation through GlobalGiving.

Currency conversion may be alot to me, but it's not much compare to them

Bloom into You - Episode 5

Yuu looking for classmates to form a study group. Nanami becomes her partner though she hesitate at first.

Studying in library for exam preparation..

In my secondary school life, I was both President of Wushu Club and member of prefect during my senior years. Maintaining a school grade is a must as a school prefect, and running a club for being the most experienced in training, such double life is definitely self-struggle to maintain the balance. Plus, broken family and unsupported that dark age of time even facing discrimination from own parent with no one to ever understand .

I would hang out in the library 2 -3 weeks before the coming exam. Exams are alot tougher in Chinese school I attended back then with extra subjects and extra examination. It's envious to see Yuu fears no rejection when tries to invite classmates, and can get maths



There are people who wants to keep me alive,
there are those who don't care if I'm alive,
there are those who stop by to check on me.
sudden wish I end my life to stop struggling.
because overwhelmed of loneliness.


It felt good when people agree with me in casual chat,
It felt good when people have the same spirit as I do and adding ridiculous jokes to laugh together.

24th July 2020, Friday

Another Friday has arrived, all I looking forward is lie down on my soft pillows, read pervert manga and enjoy turning on. My life as a single, going out to work, coming back with my shadow under the street light.

The rain season is extreme in here every year, with terrifying lightnings and thunders striking outside the building, and I experienced a bit of shock yet exciting moment.

It's about 4.50pm, I suddenly had the urge to leave desk for a while to buy a drink at the 7-Eleven. Along the way heavy rain cleaning the commercial town road and cars, heavy flow of water pouring from a man-made water excess pipe that shoots like a waterfall from the 2nd floor, free showers !

During this pandemic, I was forced to learn to use apps to pay my rental and groceries instead by cash, that's one upgrade for an traditional born 90s. Returning to the lobby building,


There's many things to do in my bucket list while best doing them undisturbed in the weekends, however, I lack motivation mostly sense of mind loss

5 July 2020, Sunday

It's Sunday.

11.33am, I went for a fast food bite instead of ordering from GrabFood, it's much cheaper and RM3 difference not include RM5 delivery fee. I saved RM8.00, plus it's just short minutes walk from where I stay.

I decided to bring my sketch folder with bag carry, the tiny 2-story Burger King is more busier packing meals than servicing customer at the counter, business is better during pandemic.

It takes longer time to order and wait for my meal than usual, but I just want the feeling of leaving my room on my off day, which I may get creative boost by staying outside. Eating silently, no phone, no music interruption, just watching my surrounding with my fries, soft drink and burger. It didn't taste good, was my taste changing?

I was intending to sketch while enjoy my meal, but the people around me made me uneasy to bring my sketch out. I should have bravely walk up to the 2nd floor which I thought was closed.

I suddenly wanted to stop by Watson to find shower gel, I find a few things I need to restock and bought them. Carrying the items in my bag, I felt purpose. Walking to a different road back, I felt peace, probably because I felt less a robot with same routine every weekdays, I felt much alive.

The New Normal World - Part 5

Recovery Movement Control since 4 May -

2nd month has passed now. Government has encouraged Malaysians to spend locally to help the dying economy back to its feet. All sectors have slowly resumed businesses, with many promotions and discounts everywhere pops up online and emails. I haven't been to malls in the weekends but I assumed shoppers are taking chance to grab on sales.

While business in company resumes with much positive and promising deals, we the employees are gotten overworked from another dimension. Just recently, our boss wanted a backlog from us and expecting our extra time to work on his projects even in the weekends.. to which I really against it but none of us have the power to voice against his way of achieving his goals and advantage of this New Normal.. For us, it's just not fair, an agreement business hour 9.30am - 6pm, (previously 9.30am-6.30am) not all of us especially marketing and designers can leave on time,  and all those comfort words he spoke to us about exercise, enough sleep and work life balance is shit talks. Now he doubts us for nothing finishing work on his own short schedule (instead of marketing's given schedule), we are forced to write down every completion task as daily report. Not all designs can be done in one day, not all ideas can pop up like fish jumps out from an ice hole.

25 July 2020, Saturday
Social distancing in the public transportation by my observation, is no longer practicing at all. Although bus drivers only allow 25 max passenger, train isn't likely controlling in any bit, as people are more worry to miss the train than getting COVID-19. Mask wearing is compulsory in public transport and crowded places.

Roads are back to its rush hour jam period, now schools for certain grades and universities are open, and you see kids roaming in the busy malls, screaming. It's something I started getting sensitive about child scream 5 months after. Bye bye blue sky..

New clusters are discovered every week, and cases are increasing about 20 a day., but people are more concerned about job, with tax and bills in debt.

I'm working from 9.30am to 7.30 or 8.30pm every working day, reaching room would be 9.30pm-10pm, tired to the point of forgetting to send mom texts occasionally, she suddenly said she missed hearing my voice...

29 June 2020, Monday - Today's Dream

Today's Dream

I was in a building floor that looks like an office with many pillars and almost everything is painted white. This one woman looks like an extreme manipulator, chases me from room to room to make me her puppet.

My self anxiety and conscious makes my heart beats abnormal, I can't think any way to get out but running tiredly until I found someone who tries her best to buy me some time while I try to search my contact number in my phone for help. Brother is all I remember. My hands shaking, my mind is half blanking.

I was rounded up in a open meeting room, with all eyes on me with questions, with overwhelming feelings, I ran out door, exit out the building with that crazy woman tailing me. To a place, which I thought is my brother's residence, I tried to call him but was interrupted by undead. I forgot brother has already moved out quite some time ago, so I play "hide and escape" into town.

I walk up into a street with empty pockets, a street that I remember being here before (in another dream long ago), the brightest lights comes from Tong Hing Supermarket.

I wander up further, and discover a store. Almost everything inside is made of trunk and wood base, like I just step into a cottage/hut. What really shocks me is, an fish that has the body of an eel and head of an arowana/snake with greenish gold scales that swim in the air. WHAT IS THAT !? I check my surrounding, no I'm not inside water, I'm not floating, how can that swim? It really does freaks me out to dash out the door and close before it swim any closer.

I almost out of words, seeing that unusual creature. I have no food or place to sleep, oh wait.. this motel still here (I been here long ago, and reception counter is close at midnight, but there's a big open area upstairs for lost travellers to spend the night) I reserve by setting up the mattress and pillow, I remember I hid a stack of cash at the entrance of the supermarket, so I walk back, with many stores like stationary and the "cottage souvenir" and food stalls (only I can remember).

Damn, those stack of cash is still untouched *really saved me*, but the second keep from another location nearby is nowhere to be found. I brought all with me, and return to motel. Just before I walk up, in my surprise, I met Lennie at the stairs, she speaks like we were having trip all these while,"they already upstairs, Kelly also," wait.... how did she knows Kelly ?

Kelly is here beside me. Her younger cousins are here too, setting next to me and she's here as well. Since when those younger cousins are that attach to me? But, she sets far from me, only shows her back, and goes to sleep, silently.

Put Self-Learning to Test

1 Goal Principle

Subject : Blender

Description : Memorize critical shortcut Keys

Duration : 7 Days

Day 1

Progress : Interface. Move, Select, Rotate & Transform keys

Day 2

Progress : Fundamental, Add & Delete options

Day 3

Progress :

Day 4

Progress :

Day 5

Progress :

Day 6

Progress :

Day 7

Progress :

 

Summary

 

21st June 2020, Sunday

I have been having weird dreams lately.. 

I learn that another of my colleague is updating resume in the late of night, and he seemed serious about looking for job elsewhere. The part I know about men is their passion and great problem-solvers in things they start to love to do. Most of my designer peers are self-learners to profession.

Everyone in creative team, has plan to leave the company due to dissatisfaction by boss's treatment.. If they leave, I will be in hotpot.. as my design expectation is still far more amateur and weak compare to them, I'm unable to produce design professionally of what they have been doing..

I did learn some lesson from them, but didn't absorb much for the past 1 year in this company. Most of my task is mainly editing and adapting to their themed designs instead of fully taking one project from scratch.. By time I have finished them, they were already done the new designs and getting lots of changes and feedback from bosses.

I have always whine about my abilities, it just couldn't improve any further eventhough there's much more to learn... There are many I know who graduated this field, but couldn't succeed creatively.. Was I struggling in this field? Was I one of them all this time but manage to come this far?

Why can't I be as good as playing games..? Oh wait, I couldn't even conquer games like they do as the last to survive...

 My biggest enemy is Procrastinator and Self-Defeateder.

What I need now is 1 Goal principle, self aware of any circumstances and an effective way to keep motivation moving from start to completion.

Was I spoiling anybody?
Or was I in the way?
I feel the hurt of scolding
from people who don't understand
the pure intention.. or what handling of others.

TOday's

9 June 2020, Tuesday - Today's Dream

Speed of Road.

Bike Racer? Me?
Wait.. she too ?

The race has already begun, it does have organizer and proper hosting location and permit. Somewhat me and her were mixed in with unparticipate gang of racer on the road.

To lose them, I drove to 1st lane same pace with a large container truck, she followed. We may end up badly if we weren't carefully drawing attention away from the truck's blindspot nor we have any idea of what those thugs will harm us if we weren't hidden.

We didn't finish the race, but we just felt lucky none of those events trouble the both of us.

The New Normal World - Part 4

The Recovery Movement Control Order.

Feel promising, feeling freedom is coming back..
but to me, why wasn't I feel the same?

During the Conditional Movement Control Order, my workplace is one of the earliest badges to return office hour especially from my department, which is set to work daily without alternate work from home unlike others... I find it peaceful taking public transport because, :

1. Many still apply 1 meter social distancing (some not, while other take this advantage to cut your queue and pretended they didn't know)
2. There's no naughty kids and crying babies
3. No one to take extra space intentionally for sitting my lap ( but you will see ALOT others occupy the marked seats with their personal belongings until they reach their destinations )

There are many people who want to be who they are, to be themselves, but their actions selfishly disturbing others who want to be themselves peacefully.. and that begins the conflict.


We had 3 meetings from boss lately. He seemed anxiously pushing our department to work beyond working hours and demanded we give our weekends for the company as well... to which I felt unpleasantly annoying... everyone has own goals to achieve outside of working hours.. so please don't cage me back to depression.


Lately, everyone were probably exhausted from their achievement during the weekend. Even I too.. skipped playing at night last week. I play other games and read manga. work is just not a an option for me. They are starting busy and didn't respond to play when mentioned in the afternoon work. I too, want to try playing in different time and want to sleep early.

One of the colleagues suddenly interested to pick up a guitar in a cheap online offer. Others are eager to help fulfill him and even help him bargain, survey and negotiate for him with his time. I only silently read the text messages. Men actions are instant and strong decisive even outside of work. They pursue dream for real with swift actions.

I still waver alot.. I have a habit of owning things but not putting 100% in use.. my goals... are always blur...

10 June 2020, Wednesday - Today's Dream

I brought laptop to a cafe, popularly crowd with regular customers who are like happy-going youths chilling with classmates and friends.

I too eventually get to know customers from next table, suddenly I have to switch table because of the sudden strong sunlight that only lighted my current seat, so when the meal arrives, I decided to look for other seats further inside the cafe, and I couldn't believe my eyes... this cafe is large, and even has a grand staircase to the 2nd floor.

Most seats are fully occupied with fresh hot meals, however no one is sitting, that didn't get me suspicious. The only seats available is at another section at the buffet area but it was either closed or reserved.

So, I return to my seat. I was then encouraged to explore the 2nd floor. I did, to find the area so wide. There, I found a small group of people that look like martial arts club, I think ? They let me join in for a warm-up and kick practice session.

As I was doing my round of stand kicks, the instructor came in turn to check on me, his assistant brought a filter and holding below my kick pose for a model photograph. I felt suspicious all the sudden that two of the students have their neck hand-locked and their energy drained by the instructor, he transformed into an evil Ultraman, there's a flashing light (Ultraman seed) from the students chest which became fainter.. and they try to turn on me next, I know I must do something to free them, sudden... deep down in my heart, there's a dim of light that awaken me as an identity of Ultraman, still powerless... I knew I stand no chance to fight the super villain. I dashed down for help, but as soon as I reach the ground floor, everyone were already fleeing for their lives, leaving half eaten food on the tables.

Outside the cafe, from peaceful walkers turning panic atmosphere. I ran into a few fellow Ultramen who they came to defend me from pursuers. They were overpowered one by one, fallen from back-attack.. I took a taxi trying to reach KL Sentral, but halfway, I got off from the busy road. From the moment, I took a glance on Ultraman Taro from one building, captured and witnessing the gruesome of his horns being slashed off.

Awake from shock of what I last saw Ultraman Taro in dream ... what was that... about? Who am I?

The New Normal World - Part 3

3rd Month Battle COVID-19 in Malaysia and entering
2nd Month of Conditional Movement Control Order,


1st Week,

I can hear news erupted days ago, riot in Hong Kong starting again and then a rise of rage started in few states of US for the death of a George Flyod under custody of one police officer sparked outrage riot, even some rumour circulating among Chinese communities around world that what happened to US is a judgement for sticking nose on Hong Kong's unrest.

For me, Western countries has always unfavour people of different skin tones other themselves white as being almighty than the rest of the world. It's a matter of time they lower their heads and be humble, and be equal to all.

Rapid KL is introducing a 70% discount package for all commuters named the "MY30", which can help ease my wallet monthly until December 2020, and save as much money as possible.

Fortunate to have one ex-colleague introduced my workplace of affordable lunch delivery of around RM50 to cover 5 days lunch meal a week. The food taste delicious and healthy, not mentioned they are home-cooked, sometimes may have little over saltiness or unwell cooked rice but we are grateful to have our belly full.

I experienced pain on my ass, probably from sitting this new gaming chair? or I masturbate too mad lately? My room is quite the stuffed with stack of newspapers, leaflets and boxes, it's getting smaller space.

Barber and saloon will be re-open for business soon the next week.

Saturday,
My housemate texted me in the afternoon, asking for RM50/100 in cash. I didn't directly tell him but instead I replied I hadn't withdraw cash. I felt cruel is some point though. My housemate works in a saloon nearby, and has been staying in his room playing and watching dramas for as long as MCO is not lifted.

Should I be more bold to hit him with a message how bad the economy situation right now?
** Update: Fooled or not, I bought both of us a full course dinner take-out include drinks eventhough I didn't feel like eating ... heeeh... was I too kind... ? He claimed that he's lazy to go out to ATM..

About my father,

I'm in my dad's newly wed age, with belly that resembles his physical body. No doubt I'm his child heh.. During the MCO, father texted me, and he sent me money for the 3rd month eventhough his industry is one of the most badly affected around this period. Thoughts come to me one day to search information about what estranged fathers think of their adult children and why he sends me money and should I accept it or reject it.

If I stand in father's feet, what philosophy is in him right now is probably some incident reminded him being a responsible father once again, lonely without real family, and wish to win back relationship and dependable when old age hits.

Like Casca said, " I'm not born to be woman by choice. " And that my life of sexually attracted to women is not by choice either; and to have life given by estranged father, I hold no grudge of the past, I accepted and went through reality of being chased down, being looked down and yet I got so far, standing with my feet, have food on the table, have job for warmth room, have hobby of my own from the support of people who who came and left my circle. Same goes to father, who may or may not think this would comes back to hit his senses and thoughts of his once loved ones living elsewhere.

The New Normal World - Part 2

3rd Week of
New Normal

Trains are occupied more than ever and expecting long queue in a certain time period in the morning rush hour. Thus, my time adjustment is set to depart at least 30 mins to 1 hour earlier to avoid peak hours which is around 8.15am.

Bus, while on the other end is 30 mins schedule, to prevent unnecessary waiting time, I need to calculate the estimate time from the start of trip.

Monday,
I help picked up dropped tissue pack and nail clipper to a passenger in the moving train. I was on the earphone, so I only see her quick eye contact that look like thanking me.

Wednesday,
I was browsing my phone when two non-Malaysians came to me at the bus stop after work. One of them shoved me his phone, it was a bit sudden but I get it from the start that they were behaving a bit helpless feeling earlier. I took a quick look, it's a calling phone from their Grab Driver who is a Chinese, so I picked up pace of what's going on and told the driver my location. The driver requested a photo of the nearby location. After I hung up the call, I told them to take a quick photo, but they seemed not good in English as well.

After a minute or two, they sent a photo that I direct at the recognizable store nearby, and help look out for the car plate. The driver came minute later. I pointed the car that's approaching to them, although they didn't thank me in the process, I gave them a pat on the shoulder that action says "You're on your own, take care", and return to my seat for the bus.


Thursday,
Everyone in the company is trying their best to catch up with the New Normal's new technology into our projects and events, so it's both fresh but heated with new and proposal changes to most of out upcoming projects.

Our company also going tech including clock in/out, leave applications and claims using one phone application.

Three new staffs welcomed to the family this week to help taking over projects. The department I'm in is as busy as usual eventhough everyone is looking forward to long holiday. I however got to work longer hours today to take care of many changes and another urgent task from another department, staying up until 9pm.

I missed the last bus which I thought it will not come, but it's really been a while I take a long walk to the train station in the quiet neighourhood at night. I feel cooler body from sweats, I feel energetic. It's adventure that drives me to have more trembling with excitement.


Friday,
Not ashamed to share it, I felt horny from my crazy fantasies and mind blowing internet surfing, sex drive is pulling me back to bed every couple hours during the long holidays of Raya... I am feeling the great pleasure in masturbating for hours that I couldn't force myself to stop doing until I fatigue..


4th week of
New Normal

Thursday,
I read back a manga somewhere online since the phone app's starts charging real cash. Those chapters brought me unstoppable tears unexpectedly... I thought what had happened to me all the sudden, as I haven't cried in a long while but this couple, this expression in their face, this act.. made me cried.

I have my first dine-in experience after a 2 months MCO at a noodle restaurant in Mid Valley. It felt great, like there's a new chemical just flows into your body and soul, like an energy boost. However, most stores business operations closed after 7.45pm.


Saturday,
Second time I dream about her again this week.. eventhough I had finally let go that love feeling 2 years ago. She still appears in my dream, I missed being with her so much... that I wanted to fell back to sleep.

The New Normal World

18 May 2020, Monday

- The New Normal World -
with less cars,
slow economy,
high retrenchment,
low employment,
fewer income,

Will our world getting much greener? Having fresh air but mask is put on the entire time whenever I'm outside.

Many exercise Work From Home lifestyle, less people likely go to mall shopping, more business will grow on takeaways.

People practice distancing from each other, and Zoom is the only way to interact in large number virtually.

We won't be seeing lively marathon, less mass exercising necessary. It will be Gym At Home until approval

Public transports are risky but it's the only way affordable, longer queue everyday and longer time departing.

Masking tape,
Battery,
Sanitizer,
Soap,
Shampoo

Gaming Chair

Purchase date : 18 April 2020
Delivery date : 28 April 2020
Sender : GDex
Price : RM305.20 + shipping fee RM35

During this Movement Control Order, I spent most of my time sitting in front of the screen with my plastic chair which is uncomfortable for sitting long and it's killing my back. I sometimes have to lie down or apply Salonpas to relief myself. Therefore, I'm looking forward to my first purchase of gaming chair. I never really invest on chairs, but I think it's necessary especially this period, working and overtime sometimes, this chair can exchange with some comfort and for my back.

The package came just about time I return from takeaway around 1.35pm. The external box is damaged and bit wet probably due to recent crazy rainstorm. Apart from that, all pieces are in its most condition.

Comes with a assembling piece of guide paper (fully Chinese) and tool+screw set.

The gaming chair named Chaho, weights about 13kg. Assembling the chair took me about 45 minutes plus cleaning.

My first sit on the gaming chair is pain relief. When I adjust the back chair lower, my mind looking up the wall, mind is thinking something, but I forget about. I'm 151cm tall, I may still feel my feet slightly lifted and not touch firmly on ground.

The head rest is making me sleepy, I can easily lay down my head  and pass out time but I hope this doesn't affect my work hour badly.

Cushion material is vinyl fabric on both body and pillow (well I call those) , it may be solid (a bit hard) and durable, most often I would hear squeaky sound whenever I adjust my seating, slowly my ass will start to feel some warm feeling, not really for people who are swamp ass-type, as many will feel uncomfortably hot unless their room is air-conditioned.

I did surveyed in online app, I find this having the functionality in both body tilt and height adjustment with an affordable price. However, I still recommend whoever wants to purchase a gaming chair, should go for the leg-rest as well, it might cost more than without one, but might do good for the legs. Gaming chairs with leg-rest is fast-selling item especially there's sales.

Update
2 May, Saturday

5 day seat test,
I feel uncomfortable when weather is hot, my back gets sweaty. My ass sitting feels that the cushion stretch my ass skin, I place extra fabrics on the seat, less effective but still feel better bit.

New Mobile Game - Arknights

I came across Arknights through a trailer in Youtube sometime in February, I fell in admiration of its powerful trailer, that gave me goosebumps by its blending music, the voice of enrage and hope of these people in the game story, resembling the real world of cruelty towards less fortunate people that caught by the wind of fire unwillingly and have to live for their rights which moved my heart.

 In the start of this game, I'm the mysterious, faceless character addressed both doctor and strategist. Our mission is to find a cure to heal the infected, whom humans despised and treated badly.

This is the main page, displays missions & events, your squads & base, and status, hiring section and store.

Currently there's 5 chapters in the latest implementation, each chapter has its stage and different enemy types, and different terrains and as you move on further, more powerful enemy swarms to survive and more manpower to win the stage.


Human Resources is needed to fight the battle, they are called Operators with ranking from 1-6.

This is a sign of getting a Rank 6 Operator

If you are lucky, you may get more than 1 Rank 6 Operators.

In Operator room, you will see the all Operators' names, ranks, level, skills and their classes. 

With some luck, you will get a Rank 5 or 6 Operators in the game, many among are volunteers, mercenaries, former fighters, human, and infected. The graphics are just damn good, that you would fall for all the Operators.

This is the base centre, for Operators to work on command center, workshop, factory, trading post etc to earn cash for upgrading levels and skills, purchase resources and expand more areas.

The game is simple, eliminate the enemies to unlock the next stage, if you fail, you must redo the mission until you pass, there will be rewards at the end of each accomplishment, and the game story will continue.

The only trigger to drive me serious is
life threatening, and that's true.

Danger and escape unharmed is excitement,
danger and still struggle to when will it end is depression.

My journey may have sailed far since the beginning,
but.. my sword hasn't improve much since the beginning of journey..
I didn't appreciate what I have now,
even if I buy the world's fastest ship,
without master to sail at its latest technology
is equal to zero.

What is my goal starting this year?
How can I keep this goal going without being distracted from works and minor achieves?
How do I pump up my motivation?
What can I do to have the determination towards this goal?
How do I make sure every plan I scheduled to complete without fail?
How will I execute my own slack attitude with inescapable punishment?
How will I keep my word ...?

I will continue to make bed as routine every morning, includes weekends,
I will replace snack per week with fruits and drink more water.
I will buy takeaways from nearby eateries.
I will continue 1 ink sketch and 3 sets workout completion per day,
I will switch off computers eventhough my works is unfinished before bed,
Gaming is only on weekends, and 1 episode anime per day.


My goal is
mastering shading and eye colouring through both traditional and digital sketch.
Deadline 12 May 2020.

Final Fantasy Xlll - Review

Final Fantasy Xlll

I do hear many gamers criticised about this game. So I played, and it's not what they sound that bad, but instead I grow loving for it, play until the end. I think for FF fans who played since the first of FF game would think of many lack of things in the game and what they would prefer the old ways. As for me, I'm a new fan because of this. The storyline teaches us how naive and blockhead we were sometimes making mistakes in that age, and seeing how the characters grow in the game, it pictured us too of how we have grown, enjoy, remorse or hate in our reality of who we are. I do sincerely hope that parents to play and who played would recommend storyline games such as this to their teen kids, be it a way of counselling, brain development, anti-depression instead of hard lecturing them for what they can't understand. 10 years passed, while I look at it, and be surprised just how great those movement and graphics created 10 years ago. Praise the teams and singers of their efforts for making such beautiful of almost perfection games, it's not easy, and definitely not easy to win all the hearts of both old and new fans.

18 Mar - 3 May [Work From Home]

The day Before

The Movement Control Order was announced, and the day will start from 18 March until 31 March, which is two weeks.

I took a Grab Car, bringing the iMac set with me like everybody else. The road was fine and smooth. with little traffic. Many has gone to supermakerts and marts to stock food and supplies. I had too, spent half an hour buying groceries near my workplace.

It's was a rough night with unexpected heavy rain around 10pm++. The thunder were loud, because it happened to be above my area. Reminded me that one of my boss's house caught fire and how much he had lost and in business too, send shivers to my spine to switch off electronics and went to bed immediately.

Work from home.



Day 1,

First thing, when I look at my closet. Next thing I dress a shirt and tie with a vest. Dressing up fill me mood, and it's starting to get fun.

It feels weird sitting in my room with the camera ON. I can see my double-decker bed behind me. Everyone will see, so I did played the app around yesterday and find it Green Screen works, and solve my embarrassing room.

Early 8.40am, I standby. Switching on iMac, connect to wifi, set up my workstation. This will be my two-week temporary workstation, hoping I can fulfil my work and enjoy for the time being. 9.20am, it's clocking time, a few who clock in with me, saw my outfit and sightful background of KLCC, some even thought  where I was. My first impression to them was, a broadcaster, because of the outfit I wore which matched with the scenery, I even joked about only wear formal at home.

Second thing,
Silent room. The desktop I placed reminded me of my office table. My imaginative mind took me to the office atmosphere where I look left, right and front, I see figures of my colleagues around me eventhough it seems real.

third thing,
Sleepy in the afternoon.

fourth thing,
I'm lucky to have good bosses who care us like kids of their own. I'm lucky that.. I still have a job and able to work at home during this difficult period. I'm lucky that I face lesser impact here, and still able to survive another month.

Hearing from news, that many people are still defying the MCO, and still eating at kopitiam, mostly are people who are is elder age.

Day 2
Clock in at 9.20am, starting work from 9.30am to 6.30pm. Takes a lot of energy not to focus on work but to self-control now with minimum supervision. I'm already taking the struggle on my 2nd day, trying not to slow down or procrastinating my work.

Thinking how time pass like Sonic speed.


Day 3,
I get upset in the morning when mom shared a lot of audio clips via whatsapp, because I hate unknown people claiming he/she knows who Dato this Dato that like rumours without proof but said. I as her child, hate it when others shares fake news to her, it's putting her danger and bad influencing when the situation is already heated.

I went to Jusco to replenish stock for next week, but was told they will be closed at 8pm and I returned empty hand with just my card, gonna bring cash next time.

I and my fellow team work overtime today after 8.30pm to 11.00pm, while my boss still texting at 3am for changing to my director who is still working around the clock.


Day 4,
Work at home these days isn't good for my back as my chair isn't as comfortable as office chair.

I drop a message to my ex-loveatsight, I just kind of missed her all the sudden, and she and her family are fine. I really wanted to hear her voice.

I failed to replenish stock yesterday, I plan to head out again. I was surprised that we have to queue to enter the supermarket, all the entrance is guarded and for exit only. The weather is fine, and I only waited 10 minutes before my turn for entry.

Only 50 people is allowed to enter one at a time, kids are not allowed, and practice social distancing which is 1 meter measured by blue taps on the floor. My temperature is checked and hands sanitize before I grab a basket into the supermarket.

Things that are cheap gone such as sausage, sardines, baked beans, milk etc, leaving only expensive brands on the shelves. Cans are quickly sold out, but instant noodles are plenty. All cashiers are fully operating. My strength capability is only 8 light-medium items with protective glove hands and legs to carry home.

I surf Grab out of blue at night, and bought a few items from MyNews, more importantly is Salonpas, and two embarrassing items which I never bought from store, is condom and razor. (to be honest, kotex is one of the embarrassing items I wish the cashier to speed up their work when it's my turn)

I try Razor for the first time to shave pubic hairs, I find it very convenient and fast. As for the condom... don't know, sexual fantasies ?


Day 6,
After reading the news about US's condition, with more than 82,000 people tested positive for COVID-19, I thought about whether I should plant vegetables as there's no guarantee to when the economy will get any better.

Our government exercises movement control towards kopitiam and restaurant to have their eating tables remove from outlets to prevent anyone sitting. Road blocks starting double.


Day 11
I was invited to join a free game called World War Z. It took like 3 hours to install the game around 6.30pm to 9pm. It's a Third person shooter mode, so I can enjoy to play, but also there's 40% chance to get motion sick.

I can play offline my and online with either random players or with friends. We started the game at 11pm, and the first gameplay is awesome, ganging up with friends bang bang zombies to complete the mission. We stayed playing until 1am. It's easier and less time consuming when playing with friends than with comp-players who they only follow and shoot.


Day 14
Work From Home culture, I can cook healthy food with less oil. Self-Discipline important to keep my job, by coping up with the work without much supervision, trying to speed done any work with creativity given, and updating to superior daily.

Rumour spreading like wild fires, from insecure people usually from our older friends and parents. I received a lot voice messages or texts from mother since the MCO started, and I help mother snap out from rumour brainwash by talking logical thoughts and thinking rational to stop her from believing those unhealthy spreading and to secure her sanity. She usually would believe that someone mentions about a popular person's name

Road blocks has stricken, only with a good reason they would let you pass. Many who defied the MCO are fined RM1,000.


Day 16
I had a dream. I visited her house. There is a undergoing construction behind the yard. The house is fully air-conditioned with sliding screen door and windows. The dining room infront the yard is dim, and it has a large marble table, perfect fit for her working project. Her cousin too gives us some space alone. It's a happy time to be with her.

Rain pour and strong thunder, strong wind from east and west... the pattern has changed  drastically and mad.

I listened to LIVE Facebook on Myperintis in recent days, about the Movement Control Order aka MCO affecting many major business throughout the country. Many low income are shut down, forcing staff unemployed during difficult situation, while many still retain staff but negotiation on half pay. The government too, stand firm to help SMEs with wages subsidies and residents to apply via BPN to cope with this hardest period in history.

Business revive could takes months to a year for some fields. From the advise of former Tun M, all lifestyle has to be changed, and pick up new skill that makes profit to this turnout and turn hobbies into business is the only way to survive.


Day 20
When I saw one of my ex-colleague shared a news post in the group, followed by her online purchase and delivery to the needy homes, Ms. Jo followed. I, however.. surfed the internet and reminded me of my home, that I should help my own home, Sabah. I'm familiar with any trusted homes, that made think of finding a larger NGO, I finally donated to Tzu Chi.


Day 24
I start to adapt the "work from home" style, but at the same time I play half way work.. it's very hard to maintain self-discipline and accomplish self-plannings without a partner of positive encouragement.. I do lack the motivation when heating hard rocks and lost in dark room.

I get frustrated too for not doing a good job and feeling guilt for playing.

Ordering food delivery is double to triple time more expensive than regular dine-in and take outs.. But the ideal of food delivery can't be avoided when I need some specific nutrients from seafood and enough proteins or I just want to crave some taste other than instant noodles..

Scam and illegal entertainment in condo is on the new especially people were scammed from purchasing flu mask in bulk online even police imposters claimed your IC were falsely used on illegal  shipping drug whatever excuses think to be true.


Day 25
LIVE talks has became the next trend for less digitalized country as a way to do business and target certain audiences.

Works here never less, looking back the passed three weeks, my planning of activity never complete and not in colours. I didn't do much for myself..


Day 26
Another two weeks extension announced on 10 April, to 28 April. Grocery prices are seen more expensive than a month ago, items among price increase are milk, and canned food. The most popular items empty from shelves are bread loaves since the 1st day of Movement Control Order. I do limit myself snacking once a week.

I received text message from father, who works in West Malaysia is alive and worry. He deposited some cash into my account during this crisis. Mother isn't interested in any of him, so I only keep it to myself, and use wisely.

Food delivery is hella expensive for some stores, it's not surprising... They try to survive by providing food on their families' table as well. I too, bought some cucumbers and potatoes from an auntie, a vegetable seller on my way back from Jusco. I cooked potatoes the next day and shared the dinner potion with my housemate who seldom really do home-cooking himself, being quite malnutrition
from taking only instant noodles and rice to fill belly.

The whole three weeks spending more than 8 hours working from home, does make my eyes heavy and stress. I do love blow off some steam by playing another new game called Risk of Rain 2 with my 3 other colleagues, usually starts at 11pm or 11am on weekends. They are eager to share what free games is on the online store and we download and play together online, and chat through Discord. Now most often we play World War Z, quite similar to the pandemic COVID-19 =w=, except that we are heroes exterminating them.

News about a police inspector's bad behaviour for confining two Mongolian woman in a hotel, is a shock of a shock, during this MCO. law enforcement is what we most trusted during this period, and this bad officer is ruining the reputation of other good ones


Day 28
I received call from courier service around 2.30pm. I traced back my online purchase app, Shopee, indeed there's a package, one is mechanical pencil nib and one is Apple charger cable. When I received the package, I kept guessing which item was it.

Wait, the address of the sender is from.... CHINA. ! COVID COVID! Sure I do make funny panic. To my surprise, it turns out the saviour has come, Apple charger cable. I placed the order since 5 April, and receive on 14 April. Just about time I need it to re-charge my Apple mouse and keyboard, damn worried the battery will run out before it arrives.

So, it's a relief for me, no more worries on that.


Day 29
I went to bed as early as 9.30am the previous night, feeling sleepy and no mood to even play.

I had a nightmare...
I received a text message that's written in BM,
which says my screening test result for COVID-19 turns out to be positive, and the health staff is on their way to pick me up at once.

Shhsssss ~!!!
I woke up about 5am, with the sense of terrified.

Just a dream... COme ON, April fool passed already !

7.35am, I prepare myself to hit the morning shopping at Jusco. There wasn't much fresh meat or fruit standby on shelves yet. Bread loaf are available, soup can ran out, replaced with soup packets. Not much choice to choose.


Day 30,
9.40pm, I stare at the window, looking at the pool. How time flies... working away from home since 2013. (write-up moved to previuos post)

With the MCO further extension to 28 April, I looked back the years I have spent working here. To my lifestyle of age 30s, more successful and ambitious people would already started family, own car and house and even long and steady side income during this period.

I have things that everybody would admires about. After 3 years of work and savings, I have a budget gaming laptop that support most games to play. and another 3 years, I own my first graphic tablet.

I may not have a high pay salary job, having big network in freelance business, nor lucky enough to have a girlfriend to love or family to raise. At least... I achieved to have things and hobbies that I affordably reach to enjoy on my free time. I have older colleagues who enjoy playing games invite me to play during this period, for the first time in life. And, whenever I want fresh air, I can always look outside of my window, where's luck to find a rented room with coconut tree s and swimming pool? I definitely cherish all this.

This kind of stay and enjoyment will not last forever, it will change in the time of future... just like the years I spent in Wushu, or companies I had joined, it will become memories, be it sad or joy..


Day 33
Gamers ready at 2.30pm,
We played Horde Mode [Normal] in World War Z, it was fun at the end of receiving big reward and EXP. Really fast to level, we play 2 rounds. The first round end in Wave 14, the 2nd ends in Wave 18. That's the advantages of partying in group, you get to level faster, by reaching up to 5 levels.

Mom on the phone spoked about travelling recently, to Dalat, Vietnam and Tokyo, Japan. However, my work will be very busy around the end of the year as many projects have been postponed to around the time. She might join brother side to Tokyo end of this year.


Day 34,
I had many dream today.. that made my brain fatigue... and only get out of bed 8.32am.

I was walking along a neighbourhood, and caught the attention of kids toys made in quality plastic, which was dumped on the road. I picked up and play, and for as long as the time I have. Bystanders thought I was "disturbed", came to check on me. I critique the great quality of them, and I just felt emotional that the toys were dumped. I packed them into my bag when the rain started falling.

I return home to see relatives gathered in. They were holding a ritual feast? I saw grandma walking around. And the relatives were quite disappointing about my lack of responsibility to bring more food  like whole pig or goat as gift for the dead.

I went to the kitchen counter, there's a woman with water tap turned on to clean the dirty area. I joined in to help as her age may have little difficulty to bend over.


I woke up, my eyes are tiring.. feeling dizzy.


Day 35
I couldn't pick up my sleep, my back is hurting, my feet is hurting from standing, my knee is somewhat weak.. moreover, the temperature is 34C, it's hot enough to get me pissed off the whole afternoon yesterday..

I laid down on my bed just not helping, and I didn't have the appetite to eat either. I woke up feeling sleepy and tired. I managed to shower and make breakfast, eat it and wash it in 1 hour before 9am.

I have headache in the afternoon, the heat is killing me, I took watermelon, and then panadol, laid on bed about 4.45pm after I have no work to do, and constantly checking message.

Rain poured, it cools the room a bit. Finally 6.30pm, first time I went takeaway at the eatery I used to go, and it only cost RM4.60. I could have saved a lot for daily meal... each food delivery cost me between RM30 to RM65...


Day 38

The only affection from the lockdown is I can’t go out exercise, socialising isn’t a matter, I’m semi-introvert and long-term single LGBT anyway. I can be friendly with anyone but doesn’t mean I would do anything they want.

I don’t address others as friends but as people. Bonding may last longer, but relationship will either become memory/nightmare. They are either straight, in relationship, married or motive. The only people I trusted are older colleagues, who they gave me advices and work | lifestyle experience.

I used to had 8 months isolation due to depression and suicidal in 2017. I played games, I watched documentaries and related articles and animes, I envied them, I felt them, I learnt the lessons from them, I started to accept things it will eventually be, I stopped holding the past because medicine can’t heal the scars.

I understand that they will part their ways and have their lives of marriage and have babies which I see is a common human life cycle, and I will have my circle of new people, new colleagues start over unconsciously.

That 8 months stage has finally over. I found that life has to continue, which comes to a new stage of return to society, starting work again from lowest salary to pay bill and rent just to enjoy games, animes or drawing or try things I may start to enjoy until whatever accident/disaster/disease/poverty/aging kills me so that atleast I feel content.

Day 40
MCO really created business struggles to whole country, many people either lost their job or struck by pay cut. Many business running during MCO also highly affected and had no choice to retrench their staffs or force pay leave. However, to contain the virus of the country's people is the ruler's top priority to ensure all the people be safe from the deadly infection spread, and life to resume running the country securely...

Other EMCO aka Enhanced Movement Control Order are placed in certain area with higher COVID-19 cases, with immediate effect of road closure with barred wires set to resident gates by soldiers. Business hit by the EMCO, many people caught in road block to enter and have to drive to another town for supplies and groceries...

I too, received a form to fill up for my workplace, to how employees' heart to help the company keep running during and after this MCO. My bosses are working hard everyday to prepare topics for LIVE Facebook and Webinar with many top companies, senior management too advise us to continue save up extra income for the unforeseen future.

I... however.... regretted with many things I did during this awful period.... for spending expensive food delivery, still procrastinating my freelance work and office work... unmotivated and lazy to work harder... I'm such a loser... half-assed ambitious person... who has owned valuable things but never appreciate much to learn and master them for new road skill....


Day 42
We had a town hall meeting before end of the work day. Our bosses are struggling at the beginning of February to keep our job secure and have food on table. It is indeed their darkest hour to share his similar past experience. Yet, there's still minor of us want him to shoulder more, and want the remaining bonuses. With many of our events cancelled and postponed, the real problem after MCO.

I received my gaming chair this afternoon and quite excited, and later exhausted after tiring work, I took a nap on the chair, it feels like paid off.

Day 45
Labour Day, also the announcement by Prime Minister that the Movement Control Order will be lifted, and almost all business sector can back to business starting 4 May. According to our last meeting, boss mentioned his darkest hour as event industry is largely more impact than travel and Tourism industry, even after MCO lifted, there will be no events large gathering allowed as the so call "New Normal".

https://www.thestar.com.my/business/business-news/2020/05/01/get-ready-for-a-post-mco-reset#cxrecs_s

The company will more likely to be zero income this year, which affecting all employees longer pay cut period, and virtual agreement of taking 2 days unpaid leave a month, delayed bonus and may come to a voluntarily resign and find job elsewhere...

My question will be :
1. Which industry will have more hiring power in this New Normal?
2. What skill person will company recruit in this New Normal?
3. Will landlord has intention to sell his property, and force tenants to move out in short notice?
4. Will there be any room rentals available?
5. Will I be jobless and homeless due to Global economic down crisis in the next 2 months?


Day 46
Today's Dream
A large house, with one area can fit a office studio. It's a grand Victoria interior, I'm one of the employees working in the studio. curious of the surrounding I follow the hallway to different rooms, I somewhat ended up dragged by a colleague into forbidden basement, locked.

There's no food, just low lights and narrow corridor that probably an escape route to garden? Boss found two of us misbehave and for leaving our desk post, he gave the word that stunned me, "You're fired, leave at once."

I woke up, relieved.... a nightmare.

Day 48
Today marked the end of Work From Home in Malaysia though some states remain under MCO watch including East Malaysia.

The feeling of coming out of the town, with inspiring music rhythm in the grab car, I'm updating this on my first day way to office.

I woke between 5.15am - 7am, went LRT renew my TnG..

Office, only designers and management department are required to work in office daily. I regretted that I didn't make good use of the iMac when it's in my room. (like freelances)

Shuttle bus is unavailable during this CMCO ( Conditional Movement Control Order), some of us are forced to take Grab from train station to office. The cost per trip is between RM5 - RM6 in the morning while RM9 - RM10 in the evening. Even with my current salary, taking Grab daily to work is un-affordable.

I drop by KLCC to fetch some groceries, the atmosphere of 7.25pm is like 8am, with many shops remain closed, those open rarely stand like camels, and business close at 8pm.


Day 50
Today's Dream
A woman sneaked through the public toilet door I was in, caught me by surprise when I'm most vulnerable of being sexual prey. The next thing I know, I'm awake, felt like anxious but awesome than thinking it's a nightmare.

Wesak Day. Go no where.


Day 54
Today is public holiday, yet I still never done much on the work.. my achievement deadline is tomorrow, and I yet master the shading or follow the to-do list on time, again...

three days of rest feels restless to me, for playing multiplayer games late at night, wake up 10am in the morning.

Despite long wind and reminder from boss, I still ... spend unnecessary on food delivery.. just wanted to eat fast food and cheeses.

Day 55
2nd week of working in office. Worms crawling out on the 3rd day from takeout boxes. Gaming at 11pm-2.30am really messed up my sleeping pattern. I was supposed to get some work done.. The weekend passed like waterfall.

I stayed awake the entire night, washing clothes and smelly shoe. I did workout when I heard there will be a photograph session today. My tummy and thigh ain't losing much after 1.5months miserable stay-at-home unsystematic due goal schedule failed!

I took shower, trim under hair the 2nd time in my life! It turns out more neat and save more time from neck getting pain.

In the train, I feel the slight of sleepiness hit my brain. When I missed my sleep for a day, I feel like I have not sleep for very long time, I kind of missed my bed so much..

It's been a while since I did a proper sketch. I thought my creative went dull, but I actually need a start of figure pose to get creativity run along.

Works pile up very fast and keeps coming. That sense of constant alert really worked me diligent and feeling sharp.

I didn't do a fine post, when I myself actually think that post a strong meaning applying to current pandemic. Well, after being mentioned, the post did look like more of a message than about business..


Day 56
Overslept. Woke up 8.25am, my Grab still not working. I have to get it done before I ready to head out. 9.07am.. Works.


Day 57
Today has finally come.. Long queue at the train station, train capacity applying 1 meter social distancing is almost full.


Day 58
Today's Dream
I met the ex-colleague one day coincidently on a street. He looked fine. We sat down have a drink, but I felt uneasy meeting him for two reasons, he's cunning. Second he asks for money.

When he finally opened mouth, I refused. However I was concern about my girlfriend's, as he knew I live with her. I took a dash home to lock every windows after being followed. Afraid he might already know my stay, use her as my weakness to get the money he wants, I contact her not to come home, instead I meet her nearby a safe place.