Is that my home...?

1st day 16th
Brother and I return home,
brother brought gifts home.
when that question came asking "where's yours?"
in front of brother..

I was told no need to bring gifts home
every calls before the trip home..
she would think it's a joke,
to me, it's humiliation and lost in the stand.

There's a few new appliances
I have never seen since a year
from my last return.

I was happy mom finally
decided to replace olds appliances for new.
Kettle, rice cooker, fridge, microwave, TV from brother and herself...
Brother was able to convince mother successfully...
I was sad I never succeed.

Mother never says yes to me...
with a lots of reasons...
but never says no to brother..

After lunch,
mom calls me into the kitchen,
she was making the meat for wantan making,
she takes over immediately when I made a mistake,
I get no second chance to do it when I finally get her..

Where's the "Practice makes perfect" motto
that she kept..?

I rush my work.
Mother and brother
make raw wantan in the living room.
We have guests visit
later for dinner.

The hour before 7pm,
seem like the amount of wantan
were not enough, and the wantan making
continues.

Mother was busy in the kitchen,
brother starts making more,
I washed my hand and was about to join brother,
grandma paused me to clear me and brother's shoes
for space to put guests' shoes.

I put at balcony,
washed my hand again
and return to join brother,
brother said,
"don't touch the wantan with your dirty hands"
mentioned he would do it by himself.

I washed twice... brother..
and he wasn't feeling appreciate that I join in,
was my wantan making ruining his arrangement and perfection?

At night after sending brother to hotel,
we stopped by hospital to get a number from the pharmacy,
but closed. I couldn't follow, as I waited at an emergency lane
inside the car.

2nd day, 17th
I found out my shoe needed repair last evening,
I wanted to buy super glue to repair myself,
and informed mother that I wanted to take a quick out to shop.
But mother stopped me and spending more than 5 minutes looking the house for a glue.
I kept convince mom to let me buy, and she kept insist to search the house... and more minutes wasted.

I finally got out the house to look for the glue.
When I return, mother questioned me and complained
that we were late to temple... I knew she would said that
Such thing always happened on me... and I foresee I would never miss the lectured
The more I reasoned with mother,
the more she never stop bringing up old stories..
and the easier, sour the relationship.. if I start the flame.. I silent.

I wore a multi-pocket short pants,
possession the key in my lower pocket,
mother insist she carries in her bag,
for she sees it looked bulky with my shorts...
I insist that I carry for her for that's the purpose of having multi-pockets.

To the hospital.
to get a number from the pharmacy after fetching brother from hotel.
Mom gave a blur instruction of the pharmacy's location to me.
Rushing up time like disarming a boom, (I don't know why it has to be like that)
so I rush to get off to ask for direction from a counter I could find,
followed by brother.

I headed wrong area.
Brother questioned me.. he was unhappy..
brother asked a counter and got the correct direction..
brother did the queue, brother got the number,
we quickly get into the lift,
to return to the destination we just agreed back in the car,
the bus stop.

but, mother called impatiently waiting and said
the guard is chasing her away from the emergency lane,
weren't we agreed to meet at the bus stop?

We got in the car,
that very first thing in mind was mother questioned me and
thought I knew a place I have rarely visit.
When I told mother that her instruction wasn't clear,
she didn't admit it instead she blamed me of it..
I wanted to show everyone that I'm capable and useful,
but I got this.. embarrassment,
and in front of brother..
why wasn't she question brother who travel frequent home than me...?

6.08pm
We were heading to Hilltop for the famous house dumplings, Tuaran mee and grilled stingrays.
I really looking forward to make an advance order when we sat down
only to know brother had already ordered unknownly he arrived before us. (he didn't update me)
Mother questioned me whether I knew brother arrive, I was blank.
Brother cancelled the order and went to pick stingray.

I recalled I wanted to order a grilled stingray for dinner near the house
from my first day in K.K from my last visit..
I really braved myself with my that depressing condition to walk to the stall
to look for a fitting size and price IF I can, and no harm if couldn't,
but mother followed seconds when the fish was weighting.

It was a very sound alarming voice
calling my name "Sze Ee!!!" in the public.
showing up at the grill stall where I stood,
"You don't know how to choose, too big we cannot finish, let's order something else!!"
right before I think examining price for another size and decide want or not in the last....
(I never get complete the process, I never experience it at all.. how can I learn if she always stops me in the process...?)
I was really tolerable and holding up tears...
for being shamed in public.. there were children, parents, youngster group.. and being shamed in that age at the fish stall...

All I had wanted was to eat grilled stingray when I'm... and treat the family...  and I never able to fulfill it at will...



Brother picked two stingrays grilled with sambal..
mother complained nothing at the size and amount except the spiciness..
grandma never touch the fish, she hates stingrays.
Brother paid the bill again...

ALL mother said to me was "Brother paid this, brother paid that"
when I had stable job and income, I finally volunteer at will to do the same to pay groceries and replace old appliances,or atleast for meal treats, it's always rejections come whether I had job or jobless... the same...
when I haven't say "Thank you,"
mother would reminded me, "Hey, you haven't say 'thank you', it's brother's treat, don't you know?"
this made me felt miserable and useless even I didn't want to ....

3rd day, 18th
Mother and I went to make our passport together
after dropping brother to hotel.

On a road walking to the building,
mother brought up topic again,
about my bag.
I bought this bag nearly 3 years ago,
mom had seen it and criticized about it,
I already aware of it, and really, really take necessary prevention for bringing this bag
whenever she visits me in KL.
for the sake of bringing up the topic again and complaining.

I found this unavoidable as I have to carry my laptop and many other necessary gadgets home.
I carry this bag with my sketch book, passports, pencil, eraser, money, IC everything here, and mom's pharmacy number.
she never give up to wanted to show me the size of my bag on my back... and has the idea of showing me with her taking photos behind me..

Brother prepared dinner,
mother assist in the kitchen,

I was happy, that brother could but
it would never happen on me for the next century..
They are both alike, intelligent but power-and-mind control, best doing themselves without help of minors.
I had offered to cook too in the past, but mother never accepts or stops me for she likes cooking her own style.
I never cook for her as I obeys her, I knew her every answer is a "no"...
so I never have that chance coming as my wish...

Dinner,
sitting down enjoy brother's homemade dish.
Grandma always has that never forgeting habit of calling me to eat all the leftovers
and I never sound out ever since mother stops me for being rude.
If the situation were different, especially with brother's presence
he would stop me and mother would support him,
and I would get more trouble to myself..
because it happened before.. and I had to ignore quietly..

4th day, 19th
auntie coming for lunch before our flight in the evening.
She is a sister-like to my mother.
we all sat down for lunch,
and the conversation continued,
brother took the chicken into the kitchen to de-bone,
returned and placed into the bowl of soup,
the auntie and mother compliment brother for doing a loving job.
They asked brother whether he frequent cook in KL
and in return mother praised brother's cooking at me in front everyone
"nah, see? Brother can cook well,"
which I sat staring at mother.

Brother served grandma.
I served mother,
I served auntie,
but I am the only one get backfired for not serving the guest first,
I was not praised for doing kind but
shamed for not doing in right order..

I listened, but I get humiliation, embarrassment, questioned and shamed..
I offered, I get "no"

I wanted to start a conversation and shared him that we are in the same boat about the auntie,
Brother didn't want to comment, he dropped my question instantly..
for brother who's power-control would met with an auntie
who has more voices than him in the conversation,
definitely feel unpleasant, inescapable, annoying and upset..


There's nothing in that house
that has a mark of me...
That washing machine was one last I offered for replace... I get the answer "no".....I gave up...
I began see everything I don't own, it's brother and mother's house... I don't see any pieces of myself as part of that house..
Was I really part of the family..? Was I just an extra member as a laughing stock, a puppet..?

With repeated same phrase everytime, every calls, every year
"economies very bad, going worse" (not a single year is good before war started)
"Don't get married, don't have children" (I'm a LGBT)
"Don't befriend smoker, gambler, drinker" (50% population you will meet in KL)
non-encouraging words
negative energy
unpeaceful reminders

being minor in the family,
they never listen or taking my words seriously..
never question themselves, never admit, never understand...
why I became like this... weak with a smile

everything the same....
a born "extra"..
useless..
failure..
like father, like daughter...
broken family, that is going to repeat itself...

That photo triggered depression once again,
crushes me hard.. I couldn't be myself, have what I like or what I choose.

I chose the bag I like
it gives me the efficiency, secure and organized,
but was criticized for its look
(I'm not tall or big to match with it, but I appreciate what it gives me)
I like multi pocket pants
given its extra pockets
when I'm not carrying my bag,
but was criticized looking short for wearing short, bulky.
I have natural broad shoulder..
but...
really what's wrong with it..?
dislikeness, rejections, blaming.. it's pointing all over me...
from my very own close family...
really.. what's left for me is mine..?

I had that enthusiastic to practice driving whenever I return home once or twice a year.
I asked numerous times of permission to drive, for at least inside the court,
but I always gets the numerous rejections from mother to eventually I gave up asking...
I lost the interest to drive.. from all that effort of learning, failed and passing test...
I watched every same and younger age drive their siblings and parents... I couldn't....

I couldn't stop crying for days with overload thinking of all that past unfulfilling events,
how can I get a job with my depression strike like this again..... it's very depressing...

CNY in KL 2019

My CNY again in Kuala Lumpur. Atleast this time is much better than last year.

31st January 2019, Thursday
I was invited to join a reunion dinner with my ex-colleagues. It's was indeed a rush hour for most young people with happy and stress look to return hometown for the Chinese New Year celebration.

We celebrate LouSang at New Paris Restaurant at SS2 yearly, it was a nice restaurant indeed. I have the chance to meet with my ex-junior colleague who return from 1 year study course oversea and start fresh again in a company she likes.

Others is either found another job and moving on or stay in current company with success and busy lifestyle. I had a job, but the company didn't last after joining 7 months, I hardly save any money there with an entry salary.. but the co-workers are very nice, suggest, advice, gossip and critics to one another, and they are short gap in age. Now I'm back into my square room again. Thanks to ex-boss and ex-colleagues, I have some income doing freelance work, not much but good experience.

Round 2 began after 9.30pm.

We gathered at one colleague's friend's condo unit. The "Try Luck" plays poker and mahjong, since these aren't much in my childhood, I look after the toddler and play baby toys.

That friend has a few boxes of LEGO, and she's kind to give me one box to play. I felt my eyes just shined from the dark.

I have the habits of organizing parts by parts, it may be slow at the beginning but it starts interesting when assembling the parts together (It's super easy to find the parts you are looking for)

I finished assembling in 1.30 hours. They were amazed with the whole thing. The problem is, it needs to dismantle =__=lll aaa.... So I took a few snap memorable photo to keep.

Outside

Inside

 Overall

5th February 2019, Tuesday
Brother treated me a meat feast at Rocku 7th Floor, Pavilion on the first day of CNY, also celebrate my birthday who happens to be 365 days jackpot today.. According to mom and Chinese belief, it's not a good day to celebrate my birthday on the first day of CNY. 

They serve beef, pork, lamb, fish, chicken, prawn, scallop, squid and mussel.
Veggies, sauces, others are self service at a buffet counter.

Drinks and alcohol drinks are additional charged, ice-cream too.

 Very recommended for groupies of 2, 4 and above. We made reservation for 12pm, reach 11.35am, get into plate licking until 1.15pm. Brother skillfully-cooked me fish and prawns. They are very nice.

He even bought 2 refreshing regular size drinks at Tealive with e-coupon for only RM6 (Rm3 each) before we heading back to KLCC to take the train back.

6th February 2019, Wednesday
 An ex-colleague invited me to join her trip to relative house on the second day of CNY.

This is an unexpected trip to Pahang. Cost me RM100 spending while still jobless on the first week of the month... =...= I really should have taken serious about thinking before reply when comes to "keep in touch" people.

The houses here is as old as granny. I like it.

As soon as we arrive in Raub, Pahang. We visit her relative's house. I finally able to eat a delicious durian. It's a D24, has a sweet creamy taste.
(Supermarket durian is very degraded, expensive, tasteless and unflavoured)

We had chit-chat with her nephew who works in Singapore and own two condo units in Johor. He is the reason that my ex-colleague travel to visit after 20 years of un-contact.

While they were still at it, I stepped out the terrace house. The weather was hot with slightly windy. Thinking what I can do while spending the time in someone's house..
Yes! My sketch paper. I was glad that I brought it.
I sketch inside the car with the door opened.
Her sister's son would tag along and watches me sketch.

An iconic place.

In the last minute, we booked a hotel family room on Agoda
(discounted price which saves alot when booking online instead of walk-in) ,
We were staying in this hotel called Nice Stay Hotel.
erm .. it should be address motel.. with 2 storey height and backstairs which is located along the shop-lot houses.

Our room is on the ground floor. There's 1 double bed and 2 single beds.
 My sense told me the corner a little unusual.
Well.. that's why a room with a discounted price for.. -..-
and it wasn't my choice to choose a corner bed.

This is a good hang out place for youngsters. The food is nice and the price is affordable.

What I don't like about is having to take care of people's leftover when you plan to have light meal of the night.

Back into hotel room.

After shower, and everyone's getting ready to sleep. I don't enjoy the sleep part at all. I wasn't feeling to lie down because of the unusual, And yes, it's creepy and dark from my side when the lights is switched off.

From

3am - 5am

Things did happened to me.

I wasn't sleepy, but I tried to relax with my eyes closed.

The aircon was on, the fan was on,

but apart from body, hand, legs and face, I felt only my right ear very close from a source of heat

exactly same of heat when you stood close to fire.

And it came on and off between this period.

Then,

I could hear the demonic breathe, (no, even I did, I don't breathe like that)

and next thing I experienced sleep paralyze. I felt a weight shock pressing shockness, pinning my right side head against the pillow.

I fought fiercely,

letting out a growl and shove my arm backward

to break the paralyze mode.

I was feeling scared at the same time.

I breath moderately.

My ex-colleague woke up from her bad cough,

she suggested to switch bed with me

because of her dry cough.

I asked her whether she is okay with it

(I actually hinted [if she could sense too] and look for her assurance)

before switching.

and she agreed.

Her dry cough stopped longer after switching bed,

the aircon really troubled her sleep with her bed position. 

I was worry at the same time.

I slept well after that.

After checking out,

I told them about it.

They didn't mentioned that they felt

or they didn't want to make doubt about their religion belief

or knew but rather not making a fuss when a child is around.

Finally back to room,

I went out again to bank to pay rent and others,

and walk in the crowd in the holiday.

I start my freelance work again.

Sleep through the night,

and things back to normal.