29 June 2020, Monday - Today's Dream

Today's Dream

I was in a building floor that looks like an office with many pillars and almost everything is painted white. This one woman looks like an extreme manipulator, chases me from room to room to make me her puppet.

My self anxiety and conscious makes my heart beats abnormal, I can't think any way to get out but running tiredly until I found someone who tries her best to buy me some time while I try to search my contact number in my phone for help. Brother is all I remember. My hands shaking, my mind is half blanking.

I was rounded up in a open meeting room, with all eyes on me with questions, with overwhelming feelings, I ran out door, exit out the building with that crazy woman tailing me. To a place, which I thought is my brother's residence, I tried to call him but was interrupted by undead. I forgot brother has already moved out quite some time ago, so I play "hide and escape" into town.

I walk up into a street with empty pockets, a street that I remember being here before (in another dream long ago), the brightest lights comes from Tong Hing Supermarket.

I wander up further, and discover a store. Almost everything inside is made of trunk and wood base, like I just step into a cottage/hut. What really shocks me is, an fish that has the body of an eel and head of an arowana/snake with greenish gold scales that swim in the air. WHAT IS THAT !? I check my surrounding, no I'm not inside water, I'm not floating, how can that swim? It really does freaks me out to dash out the door and close before it swim any closer.

I almost out of words, seeing that unusual creature. I have no food or place to sleep, oh wait.. this motel still here (I been here long ago, and reception counter is close at midnight, but there's a big open area upstairs for lost travellers to spend the night) I reserve by setting up the mattress and pillow, I remember I hid a stack of cash at the entrance of the supermarket, so I walk back, with many stores like stationary and the "cottage souvenir" and food stalls (only I can remember).

Damn, those stack of cash is still untouched *really saved me*, but the second keep from another location nearby is nowhere to be found. I brought all with me, and return to motel. Just before I walk up, in my surprise, I met Lennie at the stairs, she speaks like we were having trip all these while,"they already upstairs, Kelly also," wait.... how did she knows Kelly ?

Kelly is here beside me. Her younger cousins are here too, setting next to me and she's here as well. Since when those younger cousins are that attach to me? But, she sets far from me, only shows her back, and goes to sleep, silently.

Put Self-Learning to Test

1 Goal Principle

Subject : Blender

Description : Memorize critical shortcut Keys

Duration : 7 Days

Day 1

Progress : Interface. Move, Select, Rotate & Transform keys

Day 2

Progress : Fundamental, Add & Delete options

Day 3

Progress :

Day 4

Progress :

Day 5

Progress :

Day 6

Progress :

Day 7

Progress :

 

Summary

 

21st June 2020, Sunday

I have been having weird dreams lately.. 

I learn that another of my colleague is updating resume in the late of night, and he seemed serious about looking for job elsewhere. The part I know about men is their passion and great problem-solvers in things they start to love to do. Most of my designer peers are self-learners to profession.

Everyone in creative team, has plan to leave the company due to dissatisfaction by boss's treatment.. If they leave, I will be in hotpot.. as my design expectation is still far more amateur and weak compare to them, I'm unable to produce design professionally of what they have been doing..

I did learn some lesson from them, but didn't absorb much for the past 1 year in this company. Most of my task is mainly editing and adapting to their themed designs instead of fully taking one project from scratch.. By time I have finished them, they were already done the new designs and getting lots of changes and feedback from bosses.

I have always whine about my abilities, it just couldn't improve any further eventhough there's much more to learn... There are many I know who graduated this field, but couldn't succeed creatively.. Was I struggling in this field? Was I one of them all this time but manage to come this far?

Why can't I be as good as playing games..? Oh wait, I couldn't even conquer games like they do as the last to survive...

 My biggest enemy is Procrastinator and Self-Defeateder.

What I need now is 1 Goal principle, self aware of any circumstances and an effective way to keep motivation moving from start to completion.

Was I spoiling anybody?
Or was I in the way?
I feel the hurt of scolding
from people who don't understand
the pure intention.. or what handling of others.

TOday's

9 June 2020, Tuesday - Today's Dream

Speed of Road.

Bike Racer? Me?
Wait.. she too ?

The race has already begun, it does have organizer and proper hosting location and permit. Somewhat me and her were mixed in with unparticipate gang of racer on the road.

To lose them, I drove to 1st lane same pace with a large container truck, she followed. We may end up badly if we weren't carefully drawing attention away from the truck's blindspot nor we have any idea of what those thugs will harm us if we weren't hidden.

We didn't finish the race, but we just felt lucky none of those events trouble the both of us.

The New Normal World - Part 4

The Recovery Movement Control Order.

Feel promising, feeling freedom is coming back..
but to me, why wasn't I feel the same?

During the Conditional Movement Control Order, my workplace is one of the earliest badges to return office hour especially from my department, which is set to work daily without alternate work from home unlike others... I find it peaceful taking public transport because, :

1. Many still apply 1 meter social distancing (some not, while other take this advantage to cut your queue and pretended they didn't know)
2. There's no naughty kids and crying babies
3. No one to take extra space intentionally for sitting my lap ( but you will see ALOT others occupy the marked seats with their personal belongings until they reach their destinations )

There are many people who want to be who they are, to be themselves, but their actions selfishly disturbing others who want to be themselves peacefully.. and that begins the conflict.


We had 3 meetings from boss lately. He seemed anxiously pushing our department to work beyond working hours and demanded we give our weekends for the company as well... to which I felt unpleasantly annoying... everyone has own goals to achieve outside of working hours.. so please don't cage me back to depression.


Lately, everyone were probably exhausted from their achievement during the weekend. Even I too.. skipped playing at night last week. I play other games and read manga. work is just not a an option for me. They are starting busy and didn't respond to play when mentioned in the afternoon work. I too, want to try playing in different time and want to sleep early.

One of the colleagues suddenly interested to pick up a guitar in a cheap online offer. Others are eager to help fulfill him and even help him bargain, survey and negotiate for him with his time. I only silently read the text messages. Men actions are instant and strong decisive even outside of work. They pursue dream for real with swift actions.

I still waver alot.. I have a habit of owning things but not putting 100% in use.. my goals... are always blur...

10 June 2020, Wednesday - Today's Dream

I brought laptop to a cafe, popularly crowd with regular customers who are like happy-going youths chilling with classmates and friends.

I too eventually get to know customers from next table, suddenly I have to switch table because of the sudden strong sunlight that only lighted my current seat, so when the meal arrives, I decided to look for other seats further inside the cafe, and I couldn't believe my eyes... this cafe is large, and even has a grand staircase to the 2nd floor.

Most seats are fully occupied with fresh hot meals, however no one is sitting, that didn't get me suspicious. The only seats available is at another section at the buffet area but it was either closed or reserved.

So, I return to my seat. I was then encouraged to explore the 2nd floor. I did, to find the area so wide. There, I found a small group of people that look like martial arts club, I think ? They let me join in for a warm-up and kick practice session.

As I was doing my round of stand kicks, the instructor came in turn to check on me, his assistant brought a filter and holding below my kick pose for a model photograph. I felt suspicious all the sudden that two of the students have their neck hand-locked and their energy drained by the instructor, he transformed into an evil Ultraman, there's a flashing light (Ultraman seed) from the students chest which became fainter.. and they try to turn on me next, I know I must do something to free them, sudden... deep down in my heart, there's a dim of light that awaken me as an identity of Ultraman, still powerless... I knew I stand no chance to fight the super villain. I dashed down for help, but as soon as I reach the ground floor, everyone were already fleeing for their lives, leaving half eaten food on the tables.

Outside the cafe, from peaceful walkers turning panic atmosphere. I ran into a few fellow Ultramen who they came to defend me from pursuers. They were overpowered one by one, fallen from back-attack.. I took a taxi trying to reach KL Sentral, but halfway, I got off from the busy road. From the moment, I took a glance on Ultraman Taro from one building, captured and witnessing the gruesome of his horns being slashed off.

Awake from shock of what I last saw Ultraman Taro in dream ... what was that... about? Who am I?

The New Normal World - Part 3

3rd Month Battle COVID-19 in Malaysia and entering
2nd Month of Conditional Movement Control Order,


1st Week,

I can hear news erupted days ago, riot in Hong Kong starting again and then a rise of rage started in few states of US for the death of a George Flyod under custody of one police officer sparked outrage riot, even some rumour circulating among Chinese communities around world that what happened to US is a judgement for sticking nose on Hong Kong's unrest.

For me, Western countries has always unfavour people of different skin tones other themselves white as being almighty than the rest of the world. It's a matter of time they lower their heads and be humble, and be equal to all.

Rapid KL is introducing a 70% discount package for all commuters named the "MY30", which can help ease my wallet monthly until December 2020, and save as much money as possible.

Fortunate to have one ex-colleague introduced my workplace of affordable lunch delivery of around RM50 to cover 5 days lunch meal a week. The food taste delicious and healthy, not mentioned they are home-cooked, sometimes may have little over saltiness or unwell cooked rice but we are grateful to have our belly full.

I experienced pain on my ass, probably from sitting this new gaming chair? or I masturbate too mad lately? My room is quite the stuffed with stack of newspapers, leaflets and boxes, it's getting smaller space.

Barber and saloon will be re-open for business soon the next week.

Saturday,
My housemate texted me in the afternoon, asking for RM50/100 in cash. I didn't directly tell him but instead I replied I hadn't withdraw cash. I felt cruel is some point though. My housemate works in a saloon nearby, and has been staying in his room playing and watching dramas for as long as MCO is not lifted.

Should I be more bold to hit him with a message how bad the economy situation right now?
** Update: Fooled or not, I bought both of us a full course dinner take-out include drinks eventhough I didn't feel like eating ... heeeh... was I too kind... ? He claimed that he's lazy to go out to ATM..

About my father,

I'm in my dad's newly wed age, with belly that resembles his physical body. No doubt I'm his child heh.. During the MCO, father texted me, and he sent me money for the 3rd month eventhough his industry is one of the most badly affected around this period. Thoughts come to me one day to search information about what estranged fathers think of their adult children and why he sends me money and should I accept it or reject it.

If I stand in father's feet, what philosophy is in him right now is probably some incident reminded him being a responsible father once again, lonely without real family, and wish to win back relationship and dependable when old age hits.

Like Casca said, " I'm not born to be woman by choice. " And that my life of sexually attracted to women is not by choice either; and to have life given by estranged father, I hold no grudge of the past, I accepted and went through reality of being chased down, being looked down and yet I got so far, standing with my feet, have food on the table, have job for warmth room, have hobby of my own from the support of people who who came and left my circle. Same goes to father, who may or may not think this would comes back to hit his senses and thoughts of his once loved ones living elsewhere.