Things I did have one reason

For peace at mind.

For the past 5 days, I spend outside the room, is about exploring new places and going event. my first day break going to the extend mile just to experience the unique [ The Library ] bookstore, where it’s open 24/7.

I spend the whole afternoon in one of the spot sharing table and sketching my storyboard, watching the color of the sky changing from blue to sunset to nightfall.

Sharing table is an unpleasant experience, because you will feel the shake and knock from people simplly releasing strength on the table, it’s kind of annoying.

Next is people constantly watching you, curious about what you are doing, they purposely walk towards and pretending they passing with a sneak peek.

They talk loud, sometimes it’s quiet.

Day 2, I was initially going to the park, I ended at IOI Damansara mall, another route end of the line. It’s relatively empty, not much to see, very few people, I went to the outdoor where there’s a yoga centre. Walking up the stairs and more stairs led me to trees and plants round park, further up is linked to resident entrances for both blocks, kids playground and a fenced basketball court, however it’s not accessible.

Surprisingly there’s a Rakuzen Restaurant where most other branches are packed or queue in numbers, I can walk in here and enjoy quiet time surrounded by favorite set menu I would order.

As belly is stuffed, next is bookstore. BookXcess, I saw a stationery its online platform, and decided I could buy souvenir for a friend I be meeting at Comic Fiesta.

I ended up buying more things than just gift. A Hello Kitty notebook, 1 therapy coloring book, 1 teenage novel Phantom’s Emerald by Avril Herng. Another wallet strike.

I bought 1 game Arknights Vol6 illustration book just a day before at a bookstore I frequently visit.

On the 2nd day, when meeting up with an ex-colleague and her family.

“ You still can find back money, but don’t miss the chance of doing what you love. ” 

After getting advice by her as a mid-age woman with family. 

I bought two more books, a manga series and RedJuice Illustration book at the same bookstore. More bleeding to my wallet, but I see value in them.

I have Facebook account only when I reached 19 through recommendation by older cousin, slowly I have other accounts, I read about both good, inspiring, hurtful and hated comments of other accounts. I find those hateful comment from hateful people who have different opinions and 'their method' way, small minded, or simply having short temper over sensitive subjects like bringing out own religions to the table, some dislike unfairness, comparisons, dislike difference, and not understanding other people's culture. All these wide topics aren't taught in schools, rare steps in counselling on resolves matter when matters occured. Age of schoolings are already overwhelmed with grades, exams, tests, homework and assignments, competitive and peers, when comes to finally able to enjoy some entertainment, some met with criticism on the very thing they enjoyed to do, thus worsening mental health, seeing the world only black, no white or seeing self no longer being pure. Unable to accept the reality, they choose to leave the world, leaving sad parents behind. Bad things are learnt faster.

When you get along with everyone

People here, whenever there’s bad terms among themselves, they relay message to someone who get along with everybody to pass, me.

K and J // = A1.

When you are the [ get along with everyone ] type, you unintentionally get to know more of the silent drama in the office.

Some not their business, just don’t want to get involve as much as possible. They shove away instantly or order people around.

That’s A2, extra to me.

No need to involve the name but was mentioned to follow up with.. I still have to update them of the project I’m in.

Some do indirectly add in misc task they were tasked to another person.

 

 

It gets frustrated and even upset when :

 

People shares video clips on a social media platform that I don't have an account to access to watch on mobile phone, expect me to watch, remind me to watch.. remind again another day or two or whenever they remember. I found a way via laptop even without an account. But when I share video clips to the people who doesn't have, they brush off, I stop sharing that platfform and choose one that everyone has, I never make reminder, none, end of me. In the end, I felt unfairness in heart. 

 

 

Trouble finds me all the time, whenever I thought I could recharge energy over phone call, it became draining me faster, and more pressure speech I received.... at the same time avoiding replies that might become argument, constantly stopping of what I really wanted to say and finish what I want to say, regretted I brought up some old to make sure the relationship doesn't turn sour or worse,  knowing I will never win, and I always in the wrong.

 

I hate and angry to people who don't treat me the same as I treat them. Not appreciating the organized, clean and quiet quality sleep I give to them, instead they return with loud music, loud talking party, squeaky walking slippers, dirty bathroom, dirty kitchen counter, smelly laundry, messy shoes and slippers blocking my only walkway to the exit, banging door 

25th October 2025, Saturday

I often receive request for freelance work out of whim, but many times, the conversation disperses like thin air, and never heard of since and then return in circle with a new request that's gonna be the next disappearance repeatedly.

When I finally take on the freelance, created the draft, set price and shown to middle person who I known, the friend of the person ghosted me.

Guess that would happen alot in this industry. Most who wants cheaper in the market, often go to another store. In design & craft industry, many would reject your design, but steal your design idea to another person to re-copy, so that they could pay cheaper.

27th October 2025, Monday

Anxiously waiting, the 2nd most priced electronic is being scheduled to delivered to my workplace, where I can keep an eye on. One thing I concern, was my workplace is inside a hotel floor which is heavily guarded due to involvement in housing one of the countries VVIPs for the ASEAN Summit period.

I want to keep my delivery a private matter, but things could happen as driver might encounter parcel check or not allowed to enter. The entire morning to afternoon, I couldn't focus, always looking on my phone screen for the update and time they might deliver.

4.01pm, the parcel arrived at loading bay. So far, only one colleague knows. Didn't expect it could be a small-medium package. my colleague who stationed at reception counter guided mw to 2nd floor where I collect on a table.

When I got there, there's 3 more parcels at the table as well. I was planning to use the service lift, even carried the remote access controller with me. Seem like that entrance were guarded by scan machine and police. Anyway, I successfully collected my parcel, in hand, that's only step 1.

Next step, I be checking the condition, feeling exhausted with 5 channels of conversation with different people from time to time, excitedly yet another money exhaustion for this latest purchase, a tablet on-the-go for artist, drawing enthusiasts. I have been eyeing on it since its release has been upgraded from minor error.

 

I paid in full, if installment is roughly RM195/per month, meaning I should take care myself not to overspend more than I earn on hobbies.

 

Unboxing in my room, I was hoping to do outside, but would affect the messiness afterwards. Excitement in my quiet room with lights from light bar. Unwrapping the plastic pieces, unfolding the boxes, carefully examine, setup and test the drawing. It needs sometime to polay around as standalone tablet and laptop has different mechanical features and touch.

 

I start the Medibang drawing app, when comes saving files for the first time, the ads was long... also other brushes requires watching video ads and only has 3 hours limit of usage a day.

 

28th October, (Tuesday)

Today I tried to figure out the settings for brushes and layers usage, the clipping masks seems different from the usual I use on Photoshop or Clip Studio Paint as it only colour the line drawing instead of real Bucket Paint.

24th October 2025, Friday

A Chilling Friday lunch,

my kohai invited me for a versus phone game,

genuinely, I was afraid to play along,

thinking I might not be a good player and good entertainer, 

so I wasn't expecting much while playing,

but never expecting I would win a few games,

and being praised as skilled player

by my kohai.

It all based on what I learnt from people who play real game such as snooker, 

how they control the wheel and take the shot, and it actually helps.

The battleship game, I remembered my brother used to place his ship vertically.

But it also based on luck and who my opponent is.

interested? can download the app with Apple or Google Play.

This short lunch hour,

we played snooker, soccer, dart, battleship, chess.

I actually beat him in 4 out of 5 games,

with my surprises. 

The last game was chess.

Those who knows me,

I represented my primary school once won 5th place and

participated District Level chess competition, won 2nd place, 

(so close to win 1st)

trained by tutor.

I never had this very much pressured,

all the sudden, I placed my pride so seriously

to want to win that round of chess.

I won, without mercy. 

Sorry, my kohai XD

 

19th October 2025, Sunday

Most people would go to friends or family first for help. 

You chose a stranger to "help you" to "solve" money "problem".

THat's what scam people do.

Sunday,

I walk to train station after the Sunday Class, 

taking the route as usual.

I heard someone calling "mister", 

the voice was faint, like it's far.

Assume it's not to me, so I continue walking forwards.. 

until the voice return again,

this time is louder, behind me.

When I turn around,

3 feet behind me,

sweaty and catching breathe-looking

Indian guy 

"mister !" he called.

I don't know why I already had 

this serious stance at him,

which he pointed out.

What a way to try to let my guard down?

Thanks but, no thanks.

There was an old Indian lady staring at both of us, 

because my stance looked like

I'm about to fight him, 

totally eyes locked on his movement. 

(it's just my alertness)

Here's his "story".

"Listen, I need help.

My motorcar broke down,

it's now at the workshop 

beside Sentul Police Station,

I don't have enough money,

see my phone? "

as he drew out his phone readily his TouchNGo screen, 

with the amount RM27.xx shown.

"Please, I need RM70 to fix the tyre. 

Do you want my IC ? I can proof it".

I paused. 

I wanted to think a sentence to tell him to FUCK OFF, 

but in a civilized and firm manner. 

So I go,

"I don't have any cash". Twice, I said.

He turned his back quickly 

and left in hurry or furiously, I don't know.

But one thing I should do, 

I didn't have in mind at that time

was to call the police for his suspicious act.

I was in high alert, 

I had my priced stuff behind my back, 

probably that explained my serious stance 

against stranger who starts talking to me

out of blue.

After that suspicious approach,

I had phone call with my mom,

reporting her that I'm safe.

I went to usual spot, as usual, 

I was pulling midnight oil the passed few days

on a freelance work I took weeks ago

after a volunteer poster work just approved.

Struggled to come up variation of creative logos

that could owe my client,

made me tense the whole week,

especially the 3 full days, (including Deepavali day.)

At the Thursday, 23rd Oct

I finally had the courage,

gathered up the last spark of idea,

I finish the last potential idea to logo in 2 hours 

the same morning and proposed in the early morning before work.

Because of my lateness,

I believed my client (actually an acquaintance)

had deleted our chat, 

and I revived it by presenting the logos.

14th October 2025, Tuesday

My shout, 

made two kids trembled and cried

throughout the year.

New students that joined this year 

were quietly "exited" the class 

I felt bad,

was there a way 

to make kids listen and respect 

when teacher speaks?

 

I wasn't told the truth,

but I kind of knew

from heart,

that,

I'm the reason

they quietly left...

8th October 2025, Tuesday

Have anyone felt like they had foreseen 

a glimpse of future before the actual day came? 

It occurred to me. 

The place, 

the music track played 

and then this message 

from the person came, 

and my reply

... they all matches.

That instant struck me stunt.

9th October 2025, Thursday - Today's Dream

 Today's  Dream

Nightmare that felt real..

Woke up from bed.

Angry spirit had my phone disassembled,

The phone cover was placed on an induction cooker,

melted dried a little.

I told mom about it,

that something had been wrong going around.

The kind of paranormal activity,

I kept tracing back the road I had been to,

things that I saw or objects that I had touched

that might had angered a spirit which put a curse on me.

Mom calmed me down,

and to leave my phone as it is.

Not long before someone came,

presumably the curse breaker,

came with his small team. 

At some time...

I kept sensing the fear around me,

made me anxious and panic.

and at some time...

I felt light,

As if my soul were pulling me off.

The curse breaker approached me,

calming me from feeling fear,

he did something on me,

it when I felt something appeared,

caught in my mouth.

A shape of mid length jelly glue, soft.

The curse breaker told me throw up,

while the team was doing what seemed to be 

a normal cleaning the room.

They even re-patched my phone in

what seemed impossible to repair.

Astonishing..

6th October 2025, Monday

I have been waking up by 

the noises in the morning lately,

when they in and out of the shower room.

 

 

Blowing off steam,

by doing workout loudly,

just to payback,

and make my presence

known,

just so happen others probably 

taken leave return hometown 

and then just the two of us. 

 

He isn't living in a house by himself,

should he makes noises are heard by others

is very irritating and distracting. 

 

should he know noise made by others 

can make him feeling disturbed,

and that's no kidding

for him to repeat the mistake. 

 

And should he reflect himself 

of all the squeaky slipper and door banging

that he did to others

comes consequences

of him making enemies under the roof. 

 

I simply make the same habits he makes,

Describing how hateful that others hear them.

Other can make noises he make, but chose not to.

30th September 2025, Tuesday

After work 8.30pm train towards Dato Keramat/ Jelatek.

 

I couldn't do anything..

when the train made a surprised brake.

 

Watching as

a Malay lady

being pulled by force

She struggled to make a firm stand,

but couldn't,

I helplessly watched he

taking a light fall.

 

Both my hands were occupied with phone and snack bag.

I too felt the force, and I had to rely a hand bar 

to keep myself from pulling forward, 

 with only 45% of my usual stance help.

 

I felt ashamed for not acting up.

I felt remorseful that my instinct chose snack bag on hand 

over a person's safety..

25th September 2025 (Thursday)

 Employees who labeled as white shirts,

and employees who labeled as broken coffee machine.

broken machine may be old, but parts still able to fix and get running again.

 When it broke, it and starts spilling, it doesn't stain as much as the white shirts do, in fact, it can easily be wiped off clean and be fixed as good as new.

 

White shirts have different story. 

When white shirts get too close to a broken coffee machine, 

it stained white shirt.

It took a damn long while to or probably never be cleaned off completely to its original state. 

More importantly, it did nothing but get stained on, and all it get from the voices is the blame, "why get so near.".

 

White shirt, no matter how damn long the time pass,

Once it get stained, chances of seeing it in the trash can, recycle box is a high possibility. A very Expendable outcome, tragic incident with rumour roaming debating true or false.

 

I am the white shirt that got stained not even completing 3 months probation and has already finger pointed, fucking thanks to a broken coffee machine, shoving responsibility, have me to clean up the dirt and deal with ends, still begged of me to respond with a smile. My image can be stained and affected how others believe false rumour of my performance, my mentality is disturbed, my job stability and lateness seen.

 

 

  

Movie - Dead To Rights

 

1st September 2026 (cloudy/rain)

I found out the movie that recommended by an ex-colleague has been officially aired in Malaysia is available in GSC, seeing myself slacking off for the past 2 days lying bed, it’s best that I go for a movie, so I quickly book a ticket online, quick dress and leave the condo.

8pm,

I regret buying popcorn, well… it’s not an enjoying comedy I’m watching but the historic years of Nanjing Massacre. It all started with tense on the scene of the invasion by Japan in 1937-1947.

It depicted the cruelties of the Imperial Japanese treating the civilians like pavements and dogs to torture, rape and execution of their so-called achievements, trophies and glory.

How civilians survived or died were in their hands to choose. In the end, those generals and commanders were executed after found convicted and guilty, thanks to the bravery of survivors secretly hiding negative films sown to clothes which all taken by a Japanese war photographer as evidences against their war crimes.

I have this feelings of reflection, for being the survivors’ descendants who put their lives to escape and finally settled down to have families in another land, where I’m born and raised as Malaysian Chinese.

Mixed feelings :

Feeling ashamed that I didn’t spend good time to make my family proud enough and wealth when 

 Hard but reality,

 that I would be 

the one shielding a colleague

under same department

with my working experience

by taking more load and responsibility

to guide colleague who has the same position

but younger experience under my wings.

 

I was always the one looking up to people

and shielded by people.

 

Now,

I need to aid and care the people

in this new company

that I just joined.

 

People actually sees me

working hard to meet deadlines,

to some point they reminds me 

to leave work at 6pm sharp

no matter the work unfinish or not.

 

During discussion of errors,

I was questioned, 

The tone they speak can sound like they are 

scolding, or think I'm not professional.

One of the thing that my predecessor experienced working here once shared.

Many might sounded friendly to you, but actually making you miserable.

 

No one wants more work,

all they want is to get paid by the jobscope. 

My Desk Transformation Story

My dream workstation transformation in 12 years,

starting from a shoe-box "table".

 

I rented an empty room,

no fans, no table, no bed.

Empty.

 

I bought essential stuff from the nearest mall,

carried back with both hands and feet.

Setting up my mattress on the floor,

and formal shoe shoe-box as my table,

very simple with little luggage,

feels like camping in a room.

 

Moving into a smaller room next room, after the guy return to hometown.

Inherited the stuff that's left behind owned by the guy.

I save another RM100 per month for the rental and more for a free double-decker bed.

 

Gradually,

I work hard,

earn and save by eating biscuits dipped with Milo for breakfast.

By collecting 8 Jacob biscuit tins and stack up into "biscuit tin-pillar",

while scraping a "3-leg" coffee table for its plank, 

my shoe-box table transforms into "tin-pillar" desk.

 

Some time later,

I brought back 2 study desks recovered from the dumpsite during a walk.

The conditions were a little worn but free.

Carried back with both hands and feet.

(R.I.P in pieces to the 2 study desks for being with me many years until recent year.)

 

Only between 2021 and present time,

with allowance given every month, 

2-times salary adjustment each year for 4 years 

and receiving bonus each year, 

My savings finally grew stable.

 

Knowing money is a hard earn process,

I'm starting to love myself by investing myself a little more 

to make one of my dreams come true,

through the Youtubers' influence of gaming station makeover 

and my brotherly colleagues fond of gaming.

 

First, 

I upgraded to a mid-end gaming laptop 

replacing [ Scholar ], my 1st laptop's name. 

Currently [ Hectar ] with GTX 1080 ti 

better graphic card and better cooling system

and still up and running well, (but not enough for Ray Tracing in gaming )

though it's RTX 50 series for many game lovers today.

 

[Scholar] has very bad overheat issue when running game or old version Adobe, 

and met with auto-restart due to overheat

because most of its body are 85% made of aluminum.

Most of all, I can't use Adobe Suite as older laptops didn't met the spec requirement.  

Moving on,

I slowly surveying the net and chose my gadgets carefully,

In 12 years, I have changed mouse generations 3 times, headset 4 times, mousepad 3 times 

recently pick up a decent external keyboard & mouse and a 27"inch gaming monitor on sale,

adding monitor rack for laptop, 

a storage desk rack for my tiny collection of Arknights merchandise, artbook and manga.

 

Finally found a decent monitor mount LED light bar. 

That make up a 85% completion, Result : A- Satisfied, Though still have room for more but can be wait, feeling fulfilled of the long-term waiting dream. What's next in my list is me to keep.

Housemates can be so noisy 

and inconsiderate of 

others staying in the same unit.

Banging, banging, 

and banging doors!

 

I get where those hypes comes from,

can't wait to continue your games, movies

after a long, tiring work

to release the stress

but they release it 

in everything they touch.

I could have done the same.

banging everything I touch

put up max bass until the wall trembling 

stomp until footsteps echoes the living room,

until the floor shakes.

 

but I never done so

by releasing stress that way.

 

It's just SO ANNOYING

being distracted, shocked 

and woke by noises they made.

 

I get that why 

brother rather owns a unit 

than sharing with others.

 

Peace and quiet,

all the privacy and customizes.

spacious and clean.

 

If only I have money

for a studio apartment

all by myself.

17th January 2025, Friday

Recalling back in college, there's fewer Chinese Race that I could count within fingers, so we were easily bonded different Course Term yet same class subject, with one exception.

His name is just not worth remembering, but worth feeling cautious about. The only thing I know about this dude was his twisted fantasism and very weird personality. We had common interest of anime related event such like Hobbycon, maid cafe and cosplay, but the rest was just his made up fantasy of animeXJapanhistory combo = "Sarin Attack-Edo Period childhood profile" about himself to get "closer" relationship on me, but I'm not what he thought by the way.

This dude tried his everything to wanted to get his so called "get together and closer" bond, to have me hold hands in public by using "brother-sister" relationship. 

 

To him, I might be his fantasy crush, a man-woman love relationship; To me, was for my experiment test on self, well.. I am Lesbian-LGBT as result. I see myself as a dude holding a grown ass large dude's hand, a gross-creepy-pity term. When was the last time I held my real brother's hand? 9?

 

I had no trust on every word that came out of this dude's mouth after his plot was achieved as he wished. (Well, good for him, mine never officially recognized when I was with my crush girl.) His mood completely changed and revealed, he acted more with aggressive gesture in talks and walks. 

Well yeah, deep down felt like he OWNED me, which pissed me off. I ended that creepy friendship.

I was a weirdo in everyone's eyes in that association after my secret confession got out the following morning. I guess that's how my crush felt of me, a creep of those years my presence around her. She's now a married woman belong to a man whom she texts me as husband, drawing a clear red line that I must not ignore but feeling jealous and bitter.

 

I still.. missed her voice. Not together, but I missed the memory I had with her.

Brother and I weren't close in childhood, we used to fights over games and silly things. But as adult age today, we could enjoy over dinner. I bought a CNY LEGO set, he likes them so much that he appreciated and thanked me many times. I too couldn't thank him enough for the years he paid my data, trips, gifts and meals.