Ever since the new housemate couple moved in, I became so aware of their daily movement, a bad way...
Anger traps me, thinking of the trouble they pushed on me, and things they shouldn't use as they pleased without thinking others uses too.
We had argument over the cloth rack before my emergency flight return to hometown. I blamed myself for being too kind that others start taking me for granted, using the easiest choice to solve their problem by taking the rack as their own, taking the peace from me. In fact, everybody should have its own place to put, they not only have it and even so far taking the spot I always use claiming as thiers, not to mention they use the cloth rack I bought as a convenient without my permission.
Another housemate from the small, who just content about shouting foul words while playing phone games.. Didn't step up to interfere.. a coward or just the same type as them who never take responsible to the things he had owned.
The owner didn't seemed to step up for me in this situation, probably thinking I'm racist or the lawmaker in the house, what I felt. All he cares is asking my due rental payment the next day while I still struggling to sleep in peace.
When owner questioned me curiously about the increase of utility fees, I told him I weren't around on the stated date in October, he mentioned he would inform the rest about the increasing bill, but I can't sure whether they listened or
I'm a semi-active Blogger, and this is my digital journey blog. I write almost everything as long as I remember. It can be thoughts, unforgettable dreams, games that I playing, or hobbies. The title of [ No Escape ] meaning there's no ending in reality, there's always fear and new mishaps in life and new, unexpected discoveries unfolded or yet to explore. Humbly say, I'm an average designer and video editor in real life. Check my original works in Portfolio Tab.
Saturday, November 23, 2019
Sunday, October 20, 2019
20th October 2019, Sunday
7.21am,
I received a call from mother.
I was informed that popo just
passed away.
Her voice was emotionally broken,
and she had went through
the second time.
She did gave me a choice to
whether flying home to attend
the funeral as we discussed
a week ago.
She probably wished that
I'm there with her.
7.21am,
I received a call from mother.
I was informed that popo just
passed away.
Her voice was emotionally broken,
and she had went through
the second time.
She did gave me a choice to
whether flying home to attend
the funeral as we discussed
a week ago.
She probably wished that
I'm there with her.
Friday, October 18, 2019
Wednesday, October 9, 2019
5 October 2019, Saturday
6 October 2019, Sunday
Around 12.45am.
While I finally gone to sleep, but I awoke by a poke on my left knee. To my surprise, pops was standing near my left knee without her sarong, she didn't make any sound., just stood there.
I thought she wanted change new diaper, that's in my mind. After I woke, popo walked between my legs to sit on the edge of bed. That time, mom was sleeping.
I put popo back to bed, switch on the bed light, mom awoke by the light, and asked me why I trying to take off the diaper. We put her back to bed, without changing diaper. Popo fast asleep again.
I sit back on the chair, thought how did popo stand beside me as my legs has blocked the bed edge. The only way she could reach me is by getting off from another edge and walks towards me.
Mother put me to her chair and covered me comfortably with pillows, I was grateful, but I just couldn't sleep. Mother left me to the pantry room to do reading. A new patient bed ridden opposite us was having trouble sleeping, the nurses and doctor were busy attending her. It was noisy..
Mother returned after 3.35am-4.00am, I was still awake at that time, tired.. but couldn't fall asleep. She was standing at the end of the bed, I slowly closed my eyes.
4.40am - 4.45am, I finally gone to sleep when I was awoke by voices of nurses and doctor shouting "auntie match!", that was a big "TAT" falling sound. I put back on my glasses, only then I realised popo was not on bed. They already carrying her towards the bed.
I asked popo why she leaves the bed, she replied she wanted to go poop but couldn't find me.
A while then, the same doctor came checking polo's head, asked about the head pain. When popo blurred, he started speaking in Hokkien, she replied him. I couldn't understand the conversation, so I asked
6 October 2019, Sunday
Around 12.45am.
While I finally gone to sleep, but I awoke by a poke on my left knee. To my surprise, pops was standing near my left knee without her sarong, she didn't make any sound., just stood there.
I thought she wanted change new diaper, that's in my mind. After I woke, popo walked between my legs to sit on the edge of bed. That time, mom was sleeping.
I put popo back to bed, switch on the bed light, mom awoke by the light, and asked me why I trying to take off the diaper. We put her back to bed, without changing diaper. Popo fast asleep again.
I sit back on the chair, thought how did popo stand beside me as my legs has blocked the bed edge. The only way she could reach me is by getting off from another edge and walks towards me.
Mother put me to her chair and covered me comfortably with pillows, I was grateful, but I just couldn't sleep. Mother left me to the pantry room to do reading. A new patient bed ridden opposite us was having trouble sleeping, the nurses and doctor were busy attending her. It was noisy..
Mother returned after 3.35am-4.00am, I was still awake at that time, tired.. but couldn't fall asleep. She was standing at the end of the bed, I slowly closed my eyes.
4.40am - 4.45am, I finally gone to sleep when I was awoke by voices of nurses and doctor shouting "auntie match!", that was a big "TAT" falling sound. I put back on my glasses, only then I realised popo was not on bed. They already carrying her towards the bed.
I asked popo why she leaves the bed, she replied she wanted to go poop but couldn't find me.
A while then, the same doctor came checking polo's head, asked about the head pain. When popo blurred, he started speaking in Hokkien, she replied him. I couldn't understand the conversation, so I asked
Tuesday, October 1, 2019
1 October 2019, Tuesday
1 October 2019, Tuesday
Just few days ago, I received a call from home. Grandma was hospitalised and through a CT scan, there's a 5cm growth in Pancreas, and I was asked to return home.
Mother is thinking to have me move back for some reason, untold.
Today, I just received the news about my job confirmation, will be end of this month. I texted mom about it, however she seemed... unhappy.
Therefore,
I don't know how I should express it,
getting confirmation a happy news or a bad news for mom..
Just few days ago, I received a call from home. Grandma was hospitalised and through a CT scan, there's a 5cm growth in Pancreas, and I was asked to return home.
Mother is thinking to have me move back for some reason, untold.
Today, I just received the news about my job confirmation, will be end of this month. I texted mom about it, however she seemed... unhappy.
Therefore,
I don't know how I should express it,
getting confirmation a happy news or a bad news for mom..
Saturday, September 28, 2019
Today's Dream
I board a train. I have books and stuff carried with me, standing between the two coaches.
There is a man clad in brown / black & White shawl with his head looking down. I noticed that he has been traveling almost the same long distance like me. What comes after is, he peed himself, the urine floods around him to the train's floor. It was thick brownish colour with strong stench. he squad down in embarrassment not knowing what to do.
Everyone dash away from the spot, I have too many heavy stuff that I couldn't manage to lift on the ground is left on there, I stand on another end of the coach and watch from a distance.
I board a train. I have books and stuff carried with me, standing between the two coaches.
There is a man clad in brown / black & White shawl with his head looking down. I noticed that he has been traveling almost the same long distance like me. What comes after is, he peed himself, the urine floods around him to the train's floor. It was thick brownish colour with strong stench. he squad down in embarrassment not knowing what to do.
Everyone dash away from the spot, I have too many heavy stuff that I couldn't manage to lift on the ground is left on there, I stand on another end of the coach and watch from a distance.
Tuesday, September 24, 2019
Unmotivated ?
how not to feel regret?
I'm no scholar or "god".
I am myself.
Most of life,
I feel unmotivated,
Play games makes me move
from mission to mission
of the game's story.
So, how's my life story goes?
Easy,
got get played by someone lar.
I'm no scholar or "god".
I am myself.
Most of life,
I feel unmotivated,
Play games makes me move
from mission to mission
of the game's story.
So, how's my life story goes?
Easy,
got get played by someone lar.
Friday, September 20, 2019
There is a woman, a young mother sits in another sector in my workplace. Most of the time, we don't see each other during the working days unless bump in walk way, relief room, or using lift. The odd is, how I wish I don't bump into her when I'm away from chair. She never response whenever I greet her like I'm transparent since I join this company. She rarely look at meI clearly felt that she's avoiding me.
Eventhough I have a cheerful personality, but people says that I have serious face.
Well, ya. That's my unmasked face.
Eventhough I have a cheerful personality, but people says that I have serious face.
Well, ya. That's my unmasked face.
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
2019,
Age 30,
Single.
Introvert.
I have a new job after hunting for 6 months.
on six months probation period until October.
The previous designers had the average of 6 months working in my current position,
it's either disqualified due to low performance or resigned due to workload.
Bosses strictly monitor everyone's KPI,
I may not know whether I would be in this company in November
as I admit, my creativity and speed is not bosses' expectation.
13 September, Friday
I witnessed boss critiqued my Senior Art Director goes
" This is what you do for two hours? "
The boss's words were harsh towards the him,
I was helpless.. I felt I'm at fault for him shouldering all those works..
A Graphic Designer,
working with a group of talented team under a Senior Art Director.
An event and publishing company.
Event, fairs, advertisements, icons, brochures and books.
Salary is average. Started out working overtime on my first 4 months.
I get two days off a week, most of the time.
The company has Talent Focus and SOC for employees every month, I get to have allowance to cover expenses and earn more EPF at the same time.
I also start getting more freelance work from ex-colleagues,
sometimes not well paid.
Age 30,
Single.
Introvert.
I have a new job after hunting for 6 months.
on six months probation period until October.
The previous designers had the average of 6 months working in my current position,
it's either disqualified due to low performance or resigned due to workload.
Bosses strictly monitor everyone's KPI,
I may not know whether I would be in this company in November
as I admit, my creativity and speed is not bosses' expectation.
13 September, Friday
I witnessed boss critiqued my Senior Art Director goes
" This is what you do for two hours? "
The boss's words were harsh towards the him,
I was helpless.. I felt I'm at fault for him shouldering all those works..
A Graphic Designer,
working with a group of talented team under a Senior Art Director.
An event and publishing company.
Event, fairs, advertisements, icons, brochures and books.
Salary is average. Started out working overtime on my first 4 months.
I get two days off a week, most of the time.
The company has Talent Focus and SOC for employees every month, I get to have allowance to cover expenses and earn more EPF at the same time.
I also start getting more freelance work from ex-colleagues,
sometimes not well paid.
Wednesday, September 4, 2019
31st August 2019, Saturday
I have an uneasy time fall on last weekend and replacement holiday.
It supposed to be a relax celebration day, but the sudden visit from the landlord has ruined my day and the following days.
Summer cleaning..
Landlord has hired cleaning repair services that came without my knowledge.. and I have to take part in the cleaning process, took out a lot old appliances, electronics, boxes other expired stuff hidden inside cabinets to throw. The landlord took part this role as wel, but I felt like the responsibility has shouldered more in my place.
It's a total mood swing. Bugged to check on and replying text messages with landlord started to feel annoyed for the first time.
After all that cleaning, I had a bad headache.. The moment I start the nap... the moment it ruined my sleep cycle the next following days. I slept 4 hours from 4pm - 8pm, I stayed until 7am in the morning, and 9-10am.
It supposed to be a relax celebration day, but the sudden visit from the landlord has ruined my day and the following days.
Summer cleaning..
Landlord has hired cleaning repair services that came without my knowledge.. and I have to take part in the cleaning process, took out a lot old appliances, electronics, boxes other expired stuff hidden inside cabinets to throw. The landlord took part this role as wel, but I felt like the responsibility has shouldered more in my place.
It's a total mood swing. Bugged to check on and replying text messages with landlord started to feel annoyed for the first time.
After all that cleaning, I had a bad headache.. The moment I start the nap... the moment it ruined my sleep cycle the next following days. I slept 4 hours from 4pm - 8pm, I stayed until 7am in the morning, and 9-10am.
Thursday, August 22, 2019
22th August 2019, Thursday
I was afraid..
to take up new task
Probably I'm not a challenger,
fears not able to deliver the request that one asks.
It take courage and responsibility to do so.
I don't always take, unless I fully understand to commit the task
that I'm about to take.
Somehow I don't have the choice, and I take it as a serious practice.
I wanted to be as brave as a soldier.
I wanted to have a clear path,
a clear mind to act through
Because the cycle of disruption never ends,
it comes unexpectedly, ruining your schedule
and mood so easily.
so when it comes, I need to be prepared mentally
to deal with it as soon as possible
to get back on schedule track.
to take up new task
Probably I'm not a challenger,
fears not able to deliver the request that one asks.
It take courage and responsibility to do so.
I don't always take, unless I fully understand to commit the task
that I'm about to take.
Somehow I don't have the choice, and I take it as a serious practice.
I wanted to be as brave as a soldier.
I wanted to have a clear path,
a clear mind to act through
Because the cycle of disruption never ends,
it comes unexpectedly, ruining your schedule
and mood so easily.
so when it comes, I need to be prepared mentally
to deal with it as soon as possible
to get back on schedule track.
Thursday, August 8, 2019
7th August 2019, Wednesday
What I and my group of colleagues witness the two large military planes flying extreme close on sight near from the workplace. Those planes were amazingly big, is Captain America inside? XD
8 August 2019, Thursday
Feeling strange all the sudden to leave office around exact working hour, seeing the sky still bright and watching the setting sun down the horizontal.
I have been eating alot meat with very less greeny leaves in my daily diet.. It's getting me fatter, I can feel my oily tummy bouncing when I take a light jump or jog.. And very worry about my imbalance health as I have always been working on desk chair for more than regular working hours.. without proper sleeping time
It was the time that biggest event has ended. All designers are finally relaxed and less pressure.
I'm persuaded to leave with them.
But yesterday's work should have done faster.. Many of my work are scanned through by the senior art director with quite of the mistake and corrections.
I felt I wasn't done enough with improvement and still creative stuck and bad time management. Was I procastinating..? I would have been shunned if I'm a guy.. Still struggling
Other designers, their professionality help shape their performance and time management at the same time. I lack that professional... I doubt my level.. 30-40 below their equal level in the party...
Feeling strange all the sudden to leave office around exact working hour, seeing the sky still bright and watching the setting sun down the horizontal.
I have been eating alot meat with very less greeny leaves in my daily diet.. It's getting me fatter, I can feel my oily tummy bouncing when I take a light jump or jog.. And very worry about my imbalance health as I have always been working on desk chair for more than regular working hours.. without proper sleeping time
It was the time that biggest event has ended. All designers are finally relaxed and less pressure.
I'm persuaded to leave with them.
But yesterday's work should have done faster.. Many of my work are scanned through by the senior art director with quite of the mistake and corrections.
I felt I wasn't done enough with improvement and still creative stuck and bad time management. Was I procastinating..? I would have been shunned if I'm a guy.. Still struggling
Other designers, their professionality help shape their performance and time management at the same time. I lack that professional... I doubt my level.. 30-40 below their equal level in the party...
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
1st May 2019, Wednesday - Today's Dream
1st May 2019, Wednesday
I had a upset dream about meeting ex-company's
Today's Dream
I was with a few colleagues hanging out in a place that look high-end, wide mall. It's like we were enjoying a short dine or activity before part our ways.
I was approached by the two ex-company married couple, the one who put my life upside down. She ordered me to board a bus, and they shall be waiting for me to show up on the said bus station ahead.
and swiftly switching to a train station scene.
I was standing thinking all that coming, I ended up boarding train away from them, ignoring them, I still felt upset the way they wanted to use me test the safety of taking bus at night, and I couldn't confirm whether they would really be waiting there. Wasting time, fooling me for their little testimony.
I woke up, feeling angry.
it's 10am,
and Labour Day.
I had a upset dream about meeting ex-company's
Today's Dream
I was with a few colleagues hanging out in a place that look high-end, wide mall. It's like we were enjoying a short dine or activity before part our ways.
I was approached by the two ex-company married couple, the one who put my life upside down. She ordered me to board a bus, and they shall be waiting for me to show up on the said bus station ahead.
and swiftly switching to a train station scene.
I was standing thinking all that coming, I ended up boarding train away from them, ignoring them, I still felt upset the way they wanted to use me test the safety of taking bus at night, and I couldn't confirm whether they would really be waiting there. Wasting time, fooling me for their little testimony.
I woke up, feeling angry.
it's 10am,
and Labour Day.
Sunday, April 7, 2019
6th April 2019 - Today's Dream
An outskirt place,
I live and work on desk job
inside an old looking apartment.
It was the same apartment
I once had in my dream,
and I'm still staying there.
I sat on the back seat,
my mom is driving a white small car,
my dad sat on passenger seat.
I help clean up the plastics underneath
the seat and beside me before alight the car.
I live and work on desk job
inside an old looking apartment.
It was the same apartment
I once had in my dream,
and I'm still staying there.
I sat on the back seat,
my mom is driving a white small car,
my dad sat on passenger seat.
I help clean up the plastics underneath
the seat and beside me before alight the car.
16th March 2019, Saturday
After hearing my mom having sciatic nerve pain
on Saturday evening, I read articles about it,
even planning to fly home.
I made online purchase of items
suitable for sciatic nerve or back pain
condition.
18th March 2019, Monday
My brother knew,
and bought me one-way morning flight ticket
home.
I made preparation
for the trip unannounced.
19th March 2019, Tuesday
It is my first day going out without wearing a cap in public.
I felt sky is wider.
I wasn't scared of public eyes like I was,
still I don't look in direct eye contact.
I felt there's something I can help
as sibling and as children
for brother and mother
before my new job starts.
After hearing my mom having sciatic nerve pain
on Saturday evening, I read articles about it,
even planning to fly home.
I made online purchase of items
suitable for sciatic nerve or back pain
condition.
18th March 2019, Monday
My brother knew,
and bought me one-way morning flight ticket
home.
I made preparation
for the trip unannounced.
19th March 2019, Tuesday
It is my first day going out without wearing a cap in public.
I felt sky is wider.
I wasn't scared of public eyes like I was,
still I don't look in direct eye contact.
I felt there's something I can help
as sibling and as children
for brother and mother
before my new job starts.
1st Week on New Job
Day 1,
I get to know a new colleague.
His name is Daniel Lee, a Chinese-Muslim.
We have our briefing with the HR, Emily Tan.
She gave us a welcome goodie bag each
contained a file, a notebook, a blue pen,
a mug and a washroom key.
We are the same company but
in different sector and different department.
Daniel is in MC sales, while
I'm in Creative.
Emily took both of us for a tour,
introducing to all the departments.
There are editorial, finance, secretary, sales,
creative and marketing and another sector.
Then she led us to our sector,
and pointed our desks.
Two pantries, one east and one west,
has coffee machine, water purifier,
microwave and a fridge.
First day with surprises.
The creative department is using MAC desktop.
and... it's my first time to touch on MAC...
from scratch... That's my first challenge.
The colleagues cleaned my desk.
Guide me with MAC.
I felt warm welcome.
I'm already on my first task,
to re-create an artwork for web ad.
Instruction wasn't that clear at the beginning,
I had no clue of what it wants.
( And, I tried to get those puzzle piece back in picture
for the passed three days )
I had trouble with shortcut keys,
but managed to go through with an artwork
today.
I had OT on my first day job
til 8.30pm
2nd Day,
I surf shortcut keys when commuting train
so that I could move my fingers quicker.
My artwork was rejected. (I don't know who rejected it.)
Thus, I came out a few more artworks
for that same task as instructed.
While I was doing it,
my marketing manager kept
changing my creations,
by following the colour and style of the logo
especially the type font.
which from my perspective,
definitely not meeting the meaning of "grand" look.
I felt my marketing manager wasn't clear
of what task he was given either
as he just joined the company
in just one week.
One of the directors
who returned from outstation,
came to my department
to check on me
and accidentally saw one of the artworks...
He comment about it
not being grand,
which I agreed.
I had OT on my 2nd day job
til 7.20pm
I realized my hand had adapted to working mouse,
but greatly affected my home-mouse...
I learned Mac, but keys and directions
greatly confused me while using Windows..
3rd Day,
I began struggled when I was passed on with existing works
while still doing that same task on the 3rd day.
I thought how am I going to stay long in this company
when it's just my 3rd day...?
My marketing manager was
seen more stressful when meetings and tasks
were on his shoulder,
he sat between me and senior colleague
with his MacBook constantly.
I kept switching a few tasks at the same time
in short hours, and then back to the first task
until finishing.
OT til 7.15pm,
4th Day
My first week was more of finishing up reject/amend of works
from my senior while he focused on more important projects.
I came out a logo with the suggestion from marketing manager
which made easy completion in short time in the the late 4pm+
OT until 7.10 pm
5th Day
I was told to create two more logos
for choices to vote for the meeting later
and given until 11.20am to get it done.
Technicians came over
to install printer driver and
register new user for me
while another party fixing
the internet problem.
I was glad that I did some sketches
while commuting earlier so that
I was able to catch up bit time
and had idea in mind to accelerate my work.
I was dragged into the meeting,
and received comments about the total of 3 logos I made,
logo making was then to be continued with a deadline until 5pm.
12.50pm,
I and other new staffs
were invited for lunch
as welcoming celebration
at Nandos, Paradigm Mall
by our directors.
I only returned to office
at 2.30pm, with no ideas in mind
to improvise the logo...
The meeting at 5pm,
I printout the artwork in paper
and present to director.
To my surprise,
the director actually
likes the 2nd logo,
while the majority of vote from meeting earlier
was 1st followed by 3rd logo..
I got this as a homework to pass up
the next Monday.
I get to know a new colleague.
His name is Daniel Lee, a Chinese-Muslim.
We have our briefing with the HR, Emily Tan.
She gave us a welcome goodie bag each
contained a file, a notebook, a blue pen,
a mug and a washroom key.
We are the same company but
in different sector and different department.
Daniel is in MC sales, while
I'm in Creative.
Emily took both of us for a tour,
introducing to all the departments.
There are editorial, finance, secretary, sales,
creative and marketing and another sector.
Then she led us to our sector,
and pointed our desks.
Two pantries, one east and one west,
has coffee machine, water purifier,
microwave and a fridge.
First day with surprises.
The creative department is using MAC desktop.
and... it's my first time to touch on MAC...
from scratch... That's my first challenge.
The colleagues cleaned my desk.
Guide me with MAC.
I felt warm welcome.
I'm already on my first task,
to re-create an artwork for web ad.
Instruction wasn't that clear at the beginning,
I had no clue of what it wants.
( And, I tried to get those puzzle piece back in picture
for the passed three days )
I had trouble with shortcut keys,
but managed to go through with an artwork
today.
I had OT on my first day job
til 8.30pm
2nd Day,
I surf shortcut keys when commuting train
so that I could move my fingers quicker.
My artwork was rejected. (I don't know who rejected it.)
Thus, I came out a few more artworks
for that same task as instructed.
While I was doing it,
my marketing manager kept
changing my creations,
by following the colour and style of the logo
especially the type font.
which from my perspective,
definitely not meeting the meaning of "grand" look.
I felt my marketing manager wasn't clear
of what task he was given either
as he just joined the company
in just one week.
One of the directors
who returned from outstation,
came to my department
to check on me
and accidentally saw one of the artworks...
He comment about it
not being grand,
which I agreed.
I had OT on my 2nd day job
til 7.20pm
I realized my hand had adapted to working mouse,
but greatly affected my home-mouse...
I learned Mac, but keys and directions
greatly confused me while using Windows..
3rd Day,
I began struggled when I was passed on with existing works
while still doing that same task on the 3rd day.
I thought how am I going to stay long in this company
when it's just my 3rd day...?
My marketing manager was
seen more stressful when meetings and tasks
were on his shoulder,
he sat between me and senior colleague
with his MacBook constantly.
I kept switching a few tasks at the same time
in short hours, and then back to the first task
until finishing.
OT til 7.15pm,
4th Day
My first week was more of finishing up reject/amend of works
from my senior while he focused on more important projects.
I came out a logo with the suggestion from marketing manager
which made easy completion in short time in the the late 4pm+
OT until 7.10 pm
5th Day
I was told to create two more logos
for choices to vote for the meeting later
and given until 11.20am to get it done.
Technicians came over
to install printer driver and
register new user for me
while another party fixing
the internet problem.
I was glad that I did some sketches
while commuting earlier so that
I was able to catch up bit time
and had idea in mind to accelerate my work.
I was dragged into the meeting,
and received comments about the total of 3 logos I made,
logo making was then to be continued with a deadline until 5pm.
12.50pm,
I and other new staffs
were invited for lunch
as welcoming celebration
at Nandos, Paradigm Mall
by our directors.
I only returned to office
at 2.30pm, with no ideas in mind
to improvise the logo...
The meeting at 5pm,
I printout the artwork in paper
and present to director.
To my surprise,
the director actually
likes the 2nd logo,
while the majority of vote from meeting earlier
was 1st followed by 3rd logo..
I got this as a homework to pass up
the next Monday.
Wednesday, April 3, 2019
My first day on a new company.
I and another new staff/colleague
have a briefing with the HR
before introduced to each department
on the tour.
It's also my first time
to have so many colleagues in one roof,
and experience staff benefits,
which is very fresh to me.
More staff means
more work,
more stress,
faster working environment.
They all know what they are working,
they all have "that invisible direction",
a network and teamwork.
They work fast,
and efficient with clear direction.
I am still falling behind,
and had OT on my first day..
I and another new staff/colleague
have a briefing with the HR
before introduced to each department
on the tour.
It's also my first time
to have so many colleagues in one roof,
and experience staff benefits,
which is very fresh to me.
More staff means
more work,
more stress,
faster working environment.
They all know what they are working,
they all have "that invisible direction",
a network and teamwork.
They work fast,
and efficient with clear direction.
I am still falling behind,
and had OT on my first day..
Saturday, March 30, 2019
It's Like a Stage
A fury arguement
with a boss over work.
My feeling about the work was,
trying hardest managing given task.
Instead, the boss ruined it,
and still get reprimanded for arguing.
I kept thinking,
was all the work I had done
not good enough?
I struggled going to work,
I stayed away from crowds,
I avoid complete eye-contacts
except animals like cats.
For those affected people (interviewees),
I started feeling guilty (for making them wait),
When I realised my unusual condition
unable to work normally,
I felt myself a burden.
I was switched to work-at-home,
I managed the company's social media and website
in return of monthly wages
to live.
I spent 8 months
isolated from outside,
and only come out once to eat,
pay rent, and cinema alone.
I wear cap and hood sweater
whenever I go out to eat and walk,
usually when the sun has set.
I have weak knees, weak memories
after that.
I have speech delay, anxiety,
after months isolation.
My communication through texting
with co-workers about works,
and only accept calls from families.
I was reluctant to participate in company's events.
The only thing to keep me afraid was reminding myself
that I'm helping out my close senior on the work
to keep myself stay focus.
I ran up low money
after lending money to an ex-colleague,
that's when anxiety focus on money to eat.
I got a job after 3 months hunting,
with low pay
short distance commute,
weekend off days
and daily staff meals.
I wasn't wearing cap in office,
I still capped whenever
I'm outside.
I started building confidence
and work performance
on work, interact with co-workers
during my 8 months at the company
before it shut down in December 2018.
I'm unemployed again,
I continued working freelance
from ex-colleague and ex-boss
from time to time.
I was tolerable until
my freelance works didn't get paid
since last year yet more work were done
between January and February 2019.
Payment was delayed
without a news.
I was upset during my trip home
for Chinese New Year.
I felt that I wasn't part of the family
in that house with constant rejections and critics.
I thought of ending my life,
I shut myself from family texts and calls
for a month.
I spent 4 months job hunting,
and got a job offer after an interview
the next day,
a job offer I never expected,
well another low pay,
far distance job
starting on 1st April 2019.
with a boss over work.
My feeling about the work was,
trying hardest managing given task.
Instead, the boss ruined it,
and still get reprimanded for arguing.
I kept thinking,
was all the work I had done
not good enough?
I struggled going to work,
I stayed away from crowds,
I avoid complete eye-contacts
except animals like cats.
For those affected people (interviewees),
I started feeling guilty (for making them wait),
When I realised my unusual condition
unable to work normally,
I felt myself a burden.
I was switched to work-at-home,
I managed the company's social media and website
in return of monthly wages
to live.
I spent 8 months
isolated from outside,
and only come out once to eat,
pay rent, and cinema alone.
I wear cap and hood sweater
whenever I go out to eat and walk,
usually when the sun has set.
I have weak knees, weak memories
after that.
I have speech delay, anxiety,
after months isolation.
My communication through texting
with co-workers about works,
and only accept calls from families.
I was reluctant to participate in company's events.
The only thing to keep me afraid was reminding myself
that I'm helping out my close senior on the work
to keep myself stay focus.
I ran up low money
after lending money to an ex-colleague,
that's when anxiety focus on money to eat.
I got a job after 3 months hunting,
with low pay
short distance commute,
weekend off days
and daily staff meals.
I wasn't wearing cap in office,
I still capped whenever
I'm outside.
I started building confidence
and work performance
on work, interact with co-workers
during my 8 months at the company
before it shut down in December 2018.
I'm unemployed again,
I continued working freelance
from ex-colleague and ex-boss
from time to time.
I was tolerable until
my freelance works didn't get paid
since last year yet more work were done
between January and February 2019.
Payment was delayed
without a news.
I was upset during my trip home
for Chinese New Year.
I felt that I wasn't part of the family
in that house with constant rejections and critics.
I thought of ending my life,
I shut myself from family texts and calls
for a month.
I spent 4 months job hunting,
and got a job offer after an interview
the next day,
a job offer I never expected,
well another low pay,
far distance job
starting on 1st April 2019.
My Productivity
Most of my productivity
is inside train.
I find a spot,
I sketch.
I find it the least disturbed,
there's less distraction
compare in my room.
I can really focus,
I can really think,
where there's no laptop
and less phone usage.
I can sketch two semi-detailed pages
during train commute to work and after work.
is inside train.
I find a spot,
I sketch.
I find it the least disturbed,
there's less distraction
compare in my room.
I can really focus,
I can really think,
where there's no laptop
and less phone usage.
I can sketch two semi-detailed pages
during train commute to work and after work.
Friday, March 15, 2019
15th March 2019, Friday
15th March 2019, Friday
It was 3.02am..
I couldn't sleep..
I brought a mechanical penciland a notebook
and went out in the night with a RM 1, hoping to get
a sip of carbonated drink from the vending machine
at LRT station.
RM 1 selections were all sold out.
I wandered at the bridge, looking over the empty road
with empty mind.
I stopped at the Aeon mall,
couldn't imagine the daylight was so bright with cars and shopping carts
were empty, pitch dark with only lights coming from vending machines.
I turned into residential and commercial areas inside the neighbourhood,
there were still a restaurant open for the soccer match with soccer fans
cheering and eating wee hour supper.
The night wandered in the quiet neighbourhood,
with no cars and 1 or 2 people and waking cats,
it's sure feeling spooky passing the empty seat of cars
on the road and hearing sounds from TVs.
One thing sure safe is
stand in the middle of the road
in the middle of the night
when most are sound asleep.
I returned at about 4.15am,
the security guard thought
I was ghost or trespasser,
maybe I didn't gave her eye contact..
sorry kak..
I wasn't feeling mood
letting you see my teary eyes..
I couldn't make myself sleep,
eventhough the headache strikes,
I couldn't remember the names of the interviewers,
HR and interviewers' faces in my mind were also blurred..
I only know one wore spects.
I logged on Youtube,
and happened to found a trailer of a popular anime form last Fall season,
Mahoutsukai no Yome (The Ancient Magus's Bride),
will there be a second season soon..?
the main protagonist looked taller and confident with a clear mind of goals
but I just couldn't remember her name...
I finally went to sleep about an hour later..
woke up from 9.30am alarm clock.
I had a dream..
of a girl closely attached to me,
but I just couldn't remember the face,
I felt we met before, classmate or a close friend...
There was a house party..? seeing a group of familiar faces
enjoying themselves with old buddies.
She was smiling and happy being around me..
eventhough I'm a hopeless..failure...
who is she...?
I just went for the interview the previous day,
and I received a phone call today...
I was prepared to accept the rejection,
but it came with a news of the confirmation offer and start day..
Frankly, I wasn't feeling joy or relief...or lucky...
After that reality talk with the interviewers
made me felt unsure of myself...
I was afraid I might slow them down..
I'm sure there's alot candidates applied for the job at the Jobstreet fair,
so what is the value they see me worthy enough to be given the job offer..?
a trial? an opportunity..? what are the jobscope..?
It was 3.02am..
I couldn't sleep..
I brought a mechanical penciland a notebook
and went out in the night with a RM 1, hoping to get
a sip of carbonated drink from the vending machine
at LRT station.
RM 1 selections were all sold out.
I wandered at the bridge, looking over the empty road
with empty mind.
I stopped at the Aeon mall,
couldn't imagine the daylight was so bright with cars and shopping carts
were empty, pitch dark with only lights coming from vending machines.
I turned into residential and commercial areas inside the neighbourhood,
there were still a restaurant open for the soccer match with soccer fans
cheering and eating wee hour supper.
The night wandered in the quiet neighbourhood,
with no cars and 1 or 2 people and waking cats,
it's sure feeling spooky passing the empty seat of cars
on the road and hearing sounds from TVs.
One thing sure safe is
stand in the middle of the road
in the middle of the night
when most are sound asleep.
I returned at about 4.15am,
the security guard thought
I was ghost or trespasser,
maybe I didn't gave her eye contact..
sorry kak..
I wasn't feeling mood
letting you see my teary eyes..
I couldn't make myself sleep,
eventhough the headache strikes,
I couldn't remember the names of the interviewers,
HR and interviewers' faces in my mind were also blurred..
I only know one wore spects.
I logged on Youtube,
and happened to found a trailer of a popular anime form last Fall season,
Mahoutsukai no Yome (The Ancient Magus's Bride),
will there be a second season soon..?
the main protagonist looked taller and confident with a clear mind of goals
but I just couldn't remember her name...
I finally went to sleep about an hour later..
woke up from 9.30am alarm clock.
I had a dream..
of a girl closely attached to me,
but I just couldn't remember the face,
I felt we met before, classmate or a close friend...
There was a house party..? seeing a group of familiar faces
enjoying themselves with old buddies.
She was smiling and happy being around me..
eventhough I'm a hopeless..failure...
who is she...?
I just went for the interview the previous day,
and I received a phone call today...
I was prepared to accept the rejection,
but it came with a news of the confirmation offer and start day..
Frankly, I wasn't feeling joy or relief...or lucky...
After that reality talk with the interviewers
made me felt unsure of myself...
I was afraid I might slow them down..
I'm sure there's alot candidates applied for the job at the Jobstreet fair,
so what is the value they see me worthy enough to be given the job offer..?
a trial? an opportunity..? what are the jobscope..?
Thursday, March 14, 2019
14th March 2019, Thursday
The Interview
In Menara Kelana Parkview
Every interview has new questions pop up,
unexpectedly..
I just wasn't prepared to answer any of it today...
In fact, I was overwhelmed..
that I hope no more questions coming from them..
I tried very hard holding back my tears..
And in my head is all questions
of what those lifetime I had went through..?
what had I not done..?
College..
why Cosmopoint...?
I didn't ask that question myself,
I finished my national service.
Mom saw the hanging banner,
There was an intake,
I saw the course I was looking for,
I enrolled.
No, I wasn't aware any of other college/university
even if there is, travel expenses and safety were hefty calculation...
Since father left the house, I had been using whatever pocket money I had saved since Grade 1,
taking bus to classes, even walked 40-60 minutes way home to save money for the next days classes.
Yes... many Malays, Kadazans and only 6 Chinese from different badges.
When they asked how long I get to design the poster (they randomly picked)
I replied 2 - 3 days, yes.. I shocked them.
But it's truth... ideas doesn't pop up when somebody ask me do an artwork design..
I did alot internet surf to find the idea for my design.. and suitable pictures for the work...
And I was surprised of how their staff turned freelancer, did 2 magazine book designs in one month... I never experience in publishing company, I had no idea how fast their cyberbrain ran for design ideas..
I did a 12 pages catalogue for pre-made products once in the past, and that surely took me at least several days just to touch clean all the given product pictures, and next several days to design cover, bg, typo and group everything... are all the graduates trained fast design in universities...?
I felt devastated hearing my pace was that slow..
In Menara Kelana Parkview
Every interview has new questions pop up,
unexpectedly..
I just wasn't prepared to answer any of it today...
In fact, I was overwhelmed..
that I hope no more questions coming from them..
I tried very hard holding back my tears..
And in my head is all questions
of what those lifetime I had went through..?
what had I not done..?
College..
why Cosmopoint...?
I didn't ask that question myself,
I finished my national service.
Mom saw the hanging banner,
There was an intake,
I saw the course I was looking for,
I enrolled.
No, I wasn't aware any of other college/university
even if there is, travel expenses and safety were hefty calculation...
Since father left the house, I had been using whatever pocket money I had saved since Grade 1,
taking bus to classes, even walked 40-60 minutes way home to save money for the next days classes.
Yes... many Malays, Kadazans and only 6 Chinese from different badges.
When they asked how long I get to design the poster (they randomly picked)
I replied 2 - 3 days, yes.. I shocked them.
But it's truth... ideas doesn't pop up when somebody ask me do an artwork design..
I did alot internet surf to find the idea for my design.. and suitable pictures for the work...
And I was surprised of how their staff turned freelancer, did 2 magazine book designs in one month... I never experience in publishing company, I had no idea how fast their cyberbrain ran for design ideas..
I did a 12 pages catalogue for pre-made products once in the past, and that surely took me at least several days just to touch clean all the given product pictures, and next several days to design cover, bg, typo and group everything... are all the graduates trained fast design in universities...?
I felt devastated hearing my pace was that slow..
Thursday, February 21, 2019
Is that my home...?
1st day 16th
Brother and I return home,
brother brought gifts home.
when that question came asking "where's yours?"
in front of brother..
I was told no need to bring gifts home
every calls before the trip home..
she would think it's a joke,
to me, it's humiliation and lost in the stand.
There's a few new appliances
I have never seen since a year
from my last return.
I was happy mom finally
decided to replace olds appliances for new.
Kettle, rice cooker, fridge, microwave, TV from brother and herself...
Brother was able to convince mother successfully...
I was sad I never succeed.
Mother never says yes to me...
with a lots of reasons...
but never says no to brother..
After lunch,
mom calls me into the kitchen,
she was making the meat for wantan making,
she takes over immediately when I made a mistake,
I get no second chance to do it when I finally get her..
Where's the "Practice makes perfect" motto
that she kept..?
I rush my work.
Mother and brother
make raw wantan in the living room.
We have guests visit
later for dinner.
The hour before 7pm,
seem like the amount of wantan
were not enough, and the wantan making
continues.
Mother was busy in the kitchen,
brother starts making more,
I washed my hand and was about to join brother,
grandma paused me to clear me and brother's shoes
for space to put guests' shoes.
I put at balcony,
washed my hand again
and return to join brother,
brother said,
"don't touch the wantan with your dirty hands"
mentioned he would do it by himself.
I washed twice... brother..
and he wasn't feeling appreciate that I join in,
was my wantan making ruining his arrangement and perfection?
At night after sending brother to hotel,
we stopped by hospital to get a number from the pharmacy,
but closed. I couldn't follow, as I waited at an emergency lane
inside the car.
2nd day, 17th
I found out my shoe needed repair last evening,
I wanted to buy super glue to repair myself,
and informed mother that I wanted to take a quick out to shop.
But mother stopped me and spending more than 5 minutes looking the house for a glue.
I kept convince mom to let me buy, and she kept insist to search the house... and more minutes wasted.
I finally got out the house to look for the glue.
When I return, mother questioned me and complained
that we were late to temple... I knew she would said that
Such thing always happened on me... and I foresee I would never miss the lectured
The more I reasoned with mother,
the more she never stop bringing up old stories..
and the easier, sour the relationship.. if I start the flame.. I silent.
I wore a multi-pocket short pants,
possession the key in my lower pocket,
mother insist she carries in her bag,
for she sees it looked bulky with my shorts...
I insist that I carry for her for that's the purpose of having multi-pockets.
To the hospital.
to get a number from the pharmacy after fetching brother from hotel.
Mom gave a blur instruction of the pharmacy's location to me.
Rushing up time like disarming a boom, (I don't know why it has to be like that)
so I rush to get off to ask for direction from a counter I could find,
followed by brother.
I headed wrong area.
Brother questioned me.. he was unhappy..
brother asked a counter and got the correct direction..
brother did the queue, brother got the number,
we quickly get into the lift,
to return to the destination we just agreed back in the car,
the bus stop.
but, mother called impatiently waiting and said
the guard is chasing her away from the emergency lane,
weren't we agreed to meet at the bus stop?
We got in the car,
that very first thing in mind was mother questioned me and
thought I knew a place I have rarely visit.
When I told mother that her instruction wasn't clear,
she didn't admit it instead she blamed me of it..
I wanted to show everyone that I'm capable and useful,
but I got this.. embarrassment,
and in front of brother..
why wasn't she question brother who travel frequent home than me...?
6.08pm
We were heading to Hilltop for the famous house dumplings, Tuaran mee and grilled stingrays.
I really looking forward to make an advance order when we sat down
only to know brother had already ordered unknownly he arrived before us. (he didn't update me)
Mother questioned me whether I knew brother arrive, I was blank.
Brother cancelled the order and went to pick stingray.
I recalled I wanted to order a grilled stingray for dinner near the house
from my first day in K.K from my last visit..
I really braved myself with my that depressing condition to walk to the stall
to look for a fitting size and price IF I can, and no harm if couldn't,
but mother followed seconds when the fish was weighting.
It was a very sound alarming voice
calling my name "Sze Ee!!!" in the public.
showing up at the grill stall where I stood,
"You don't know how to choose, too big we cannot finish, let's order something else!!"
right before I think examining price for another size and decide want or not in the last....
(I never get complete the process, I never experience it at all.. how can I learn if she always stops me in the process...?)
I was really tolerable and holding up tears...
for being shamed in public.. there were children, parents, youngster group.. and being shamed in that age at the fish stall...
All I had wanted was to eat grilled stingray when I'm... and treat the family... and I never able to fulfill it at will...
Brother picked two stingrays grilled with sambal..
mother complained nothing at the size and amount except the spiciness..
grandma never touch the fish, she hates stingrays.
Brother paid the bill again...
ALL mother said to me was "Brother paid this, brother paid that"
when I had stable job and income, I finally volunteer at will to do the same to pay groceries and replace old appliances,or atleast for meal treats, it's always rejections come whether I had job or jobless... the same...
when I haven't say "Thank you,"
mother would reminded me, "Hey, you haven't say 'thank you', it's brother's treat, don't you know?"
this made me felt miserable and useless even I didn't want to ....
3rd day, 18th
Mother and I went to make our passport together
after dropping brother to hotel.
On a road walking to the building,
mother brought up topic again,
about my bag.
I bought this bag nearly 3 years ago,
mom had seen it and criticized about it,
I already aware of it, and really, really take necessary prevention for bringing this bag
whenever she visits me in KL.
for the sake of bringing up the topic again and complaining.
I found this unavoidable as I have to carry my laptop and many other necessary gadgets home.
I carry this bag with my sketch book, passports, pencil, eraser, money, IC everything here, and mom's pharmacy number.
she never give up to wanted to show me the size of my bag on my back... and has the idea of showing me with her taking photos behind me..
Brother prepared dinner,
mother assist in the kitchen,
I was happy, that brother could but
it would never happen on me for the next century..
They are both alike, intelligent but power-and-mind control, best doing themselves without help of minors.
I had offered to cook too in the past, but mother never accepts or stops me for she likes cooking her own style.
I never cook for her as I obeys her, I knew her every answer is a "no"...
so I never have that chance coming as my wish...
Dinner,
sitting down enjoy brother's homemade dish.
Grandma always has that never forgeting habit of calling me to eat all the leftovers
and I never sound out ever since mother stops me for being rude.
If the situation were different, especially with brother's presence
he would stop me and mother would support him,
and I would get more trouble to myself..
because it happened before.. and I had to ignore quietly..
4th day, 19th
auntie coming for lunch before our flight in the evening.
She is a sister-like to my mother.
we all sat down for lunch,
and the conversation continued,
brother took the chicken into the kitchen to de-bone,
returned and placed into the bowl of soup,
the auntie and mother compliment brother for doing a loving job.
They asked brother whether he frequent cook in KL
and in return mother praised brother's cooking at me in front everyone
"nah, see? Brother can cook well,"
which I sat staring at mother.
Brother served grandma.
I served mother,
I served auntie,
but I am the only one get backfired for not serving the guest first,
I was not praised for doing kind but
shamed for not doing in right order..
I listened, but I get humiliation, embarrassment, questioned and shamed..
I offered, I get "no"
I wanted to start a conversation and shared him that we are in the same boat about the auntie,
Brother didn't want to comment, he dropped my question instantly..
for brother who's power-control would met with an auntie
who has more voices than him in the conversation,
definitely feel unpleasant, inescapable, annoying and upset..
There's nothing in that house
that has a mark of me...
That washing machine was one last I offered for replace... I get the answer "no".....I gave up...
I began see everything I don't own, it's brother and mother's house... I don't see any pieces of myself as part of that house..
Was I really part of the family..? Was I just an extra member as a laughing stock, a puppet..?
With repeated same phrase everytime, every calls, every year
"economies very bad, going worse" (not a single year is good before war started)
"Don't get married, don't have children" (I'm a LGBT)
"Don't befriend smoker, gambler, drinker" (50% population you will meet in KL)
non-encouraging words
negative energy
unpeaceful reminders
being minor in the family,
they never listen or taking my words seriously..
never question themselves, never admit, never understand...
why I became like this... weak with a smile
everything the same....
a born "extra"..
useless..
failure..
like father, like daughter...
broken family, that is going to repeat itself...
That photo triggered depression once again,
crushes me hard.. I couldn't be myself, have what I like or what I choose.
I chose the bag I like
it gives me the efficiency, secure and organized,
but was criticized for its look
(I'm not tall or big to match with it, but I appreciate what it gives me)
I like multi pocket pants
given its extra pockets
when I'm not carrying my bag,
but was criticized looking short for wearing short, bulky.
I have natural broad shoulder..
but...
really what's wrong with it..?
dislikeness, rejections, blaming.. it's pointing all over me...
from my very own close family...
really.. what's left for me is mine..?
I had that enthusiastic to practice driving whenever I return home once or twice a year.
I asked numerous times of permission to drive, for at least inside the court,
but I always gets the numerous rejections from mother to eventually I gave up asking...
I lost the interest to drive.. from all that effort of learning, failed and passing test...
I watched every same and younger age drive their siblings and parents... I couldn't....
I couldn't stop crying for days with overload thinking of all that past unfulfilling events,
how can I get a job with my depression strike like this again..... it's very depressing...
Brother and I return home,
brother brought gifts home.
when that question came asking "where's yours?"
in front of brother..
I was told no need to bring gifts home
every calls before the trip home..
she would think it's a joke,
to me, it's humiliation and lost in the stand.
There's a few new appliances
I have never seen since a year
from my last return.
I was happy mom finally
decided to replace olds appliances for new.
Kettle, rice cooker, fridge, microwave, TV from brother and herself...
Brother was able to convince mother successfully...
I was sad I never succeed.
Mother never says yes to me...
with a lots of reasons...
but never says no to brother..
After lunch,
mom calls me into the kitchen,
she was making the meat for wantan making,
she takes over immediately when I made a mistake,
I get no second chance to do it when I finally get her..
Where's the "Practice makes perfect" motto
that she kept..?
I rush my work.
Mother and brother
make raw wantan in the living room.
We have guests visit
later for dinner.
The hour before 7pm,
seem like the amount of wantan
were not enough, and the wantan making
continues.
Mother was busy in the kitchen,
brother starts making more,
I washed my hand and was about to join brother,
grandma paused me to clear me and brother's shoes
for space to put guests' shoes.
I put at balcony,
washed my hand again
and return to join brother,
brother said,
"don't touch the wantan with your dirty hands"
mentioned he would do it by himself.
I washed twice... brother..
and he wasn't feeling appreciate that I join in,
was my wantan making ruining his arrangement and perfection?
At night after sending brother to hotel,
we stopped by hospital to get a number from the pharmacy,
but closed. I couldn't follow, as I waited at an emergency lane
inside the car.
2nd day, 17th
I found out my shoe needed repair last evening,
I wanted to buy super glue to repair myself,
and informed mother that I wanted to take a quick out to shop.
But mother stopped me and spending more than 5 minutes looking the house for a glue.
I kept convince mom to let me buy, and she kept insist to search the house... and more minutes wasted.
I finally got out the house to look for the glue.
When I return, mother questioned me and complained
that we were late to temple... I knew she would said that
Such thing always happened on me... and I foresee I would never miss the lectured
The more I reasoned with mother,
the more she never stop bringing up old stories..
and the easier, sour the relationship.. if I start the flame.. I silent.
I wore a multi-pocket short pants,
possession the key in my lower pocket,
mother insist she carries in her bag,
for she sees it looked bulky with my shorts...
I insist that I carry for her for that's the purpose of having multi-pockets.
To the hospital.
to get a number from the pharmacy after fetching brother from hotel.
Mom gave a blur instruction of the pharmacy's location to me.
Rushing up time like disarming a boom, (I don't know why it has to be like that)
so I rush to get off to ask for direction from a counter I could find,
followed by brother.
I headed wrong area.
Brother questioned me.. he was unhappy..
brother asked a counter and got the correct direction..
brother did the queue, brother got the number,
we quickly get into the lift,
to return to the destination we just agreed back in the car,
the bus stop.
but, mother called impatiently waiting and said
the guard is chasing her away from the emergency lane,
weren't we agreed to meet at the bus stop?
We got in the car,
that very first thing in mind was mother questioned me and
thought I knew a place I have rarely visit.
When I told mother that her instruction wasn't clear,
she didn't admit it instead she blamed me of it..
I wanted to show everyone that I'm capable and useful,
but I got this.. embarrassment,
and in front of brother..
why wasn't she question brother who travel frequent home than me...?
6.08pm
We were heading to Hilltop for the famous house dumplings, Tuaran mee and grilled stingrays.
I really looking forward to make an advance order when we sat down
only to know brother had already ordered unknownly he arrived before us. (he didn't update me)
Mother questioned me whether I knew brother arrive, I was blank.
Brother cancelled the order and went to pick stingray.
I recalled I wanted to order a grilled stingray for dinner near the house
from my first day in K.K from my last visit..
I really braved myself with my that depressing condition to walk to the stall
to look for a fitting size and price IF I can, and no harm if couldn't,
but mother followed seconds when the fish was weighting.
It was a very sound alarming voice
calling my name "Sze Ee!!!" in the public.
showing up at the grill stall where I stood,
"You don't know how to choose, too big we cannot finish, let's order something else!!"
right before I think examining price for another size and decide want or not in the last....
(I never get complete the process, I never experience it at all.. how can I learn if she always stops me in the process...?)
I was really tolerable and holding up tears...
for being shamed in public.. there were children, parents, youngster group.. and being shamed in that age at the fish stall...
All I had wanted was to eat grilled stingray when I'm... and treat the family... and I never able to fulfill it at will...
Brother picked two stingrays grilled with sambal..
mother complained nothing at the size and amount except the spiciness..
grandma never touch the fish, she hates stingrays.
Brother paid the bill again...
ALL mother said to me was "Brother paid this, brother paid that"
when I had stable job and income, I finally volunteer at will to do the same to pay groceries and replace old appliances,or atleast for meal treats, it's always rejections come whether I had job or jobless... the same...
when I haven't say "Thank you,"
mother would reminded me, "Hey, you haven't say 'thank you', it's brother's treat, don't you know?"
this made me felt miserable and useless even I didn't want to ....
3rd day, 18th
Mother and I went to make our passport together
after dropping brother to hotel.
On a road walking to the building,
mother brought up topic again,
about my bag.
I bought this bag nearly 3 years ago,
mom had seen it and criticized about it,
I already aware of it, and really, really take necessary prevention for bringing this bag
whenever she visits me in KL.
for the sake of bringing up the topic again and complaining.
I found this unavoidable as I have to carry my laptop and many other necessary gadgets home.
I carry this bag with my sketch book, passports, pencil, eraser, money, IC everything here, and mom's pharmacy number.
she never give up to wanted to show me the size of my bag on my back... and has the idea of showing me with her taking photos behind me..
Brother prepared dinner,
mother assist in the kitchen,
it would never happen on me for the next century..
They are both alike, intelligent but power-and-mind control, best doing themselves without help of minors.
I had offered to cook too in the past, but mother never accepts or stops me for she likes cooking her own style.
I never cook for her as I obeys her, I knew her every answer is a "no"...
so I never have that chance coming as my wish...
Dinner,
sitting down enjoy brother's homemade dish.
Grandma always has that never forgeting habit of calling me to eat all the leftovers
and I never sound out ever since mother stops me for being rude.
If the situation were different, especially with brother's presence
he would stop me and mother would support him,
and I would get more trouble to myself..
because it happened before.. and I had to ignore quietly..
4th day, 19th
auntie coming for lunch before our flight in the evening.
She is a sister-like to my mother.
we all sat down for lunch,
and the conversation continued,
brother took the chicken into the kitchen to de-bone,
returned and placed into the bowl of soup,
the auntie and mother compliment brother for doing a loving job.
They asked brother whether he frequent cook in KL
and in return mother praised brother's cooking at me in front everyone
"nah, see? Brother can cook well,"
which I sat staring at mother.
Brother served grandma.
I served mother,
I served auntie,
but I am the only one get backfired for not serving the guest first,
I was not praised for doing kind but
shamed for not doing in right order..
I listened, but I get humiliation, embarrassment, questioned and shamed..
I offered, I get "no"
I wanted to start a conversation and shared him that we are in the same boat about the auntie,
Brother didn't want to comment, he dropped my question instantly..
for brother who's power-control would met with an auntie
who has more voices than him in the conversation,
definitely feel unpleasant, inescapable, annoying and upset..
There's nothing in that house
that has a mark of me...
That washing machine was one last I offered for replace... I get the answer "no".....I gave up...
I began see everything I don't own, it's brother and mother's house... I don't see any pieces of myself as part of that house..
Was I really part of the family..? Was I just an extra member as a laughing stock, a puppet..?
With repeated same phrase everytime, every calls, every year
"economies very bad, going worse" (not a single year is good before war started)
"Don't get married, don't have children" (I'm a LGBT)
"Don't befriend smoker, gambler, drinker" (50% population you will meet in KL)
non-encouraging words
negative energy
unpeaceful reminders
being minor in the family,
they never listen or taking my words seriously..
never question themselves, never admit, never understand...
why I became like this... weak with a smile
everything the same....
a born "extra"..
useless..
failure..
like father, like daughter...
broken family, that is going to repeat itself...
That photo triggered depression once again,
crushes me hard.. I couldn't be myself, have what I like or what I choose.
I chose the bag I like
it gives me the efficiency, secure and organized,
but was criticized for its look
(I'm not tall or big to match with it, but I appreciate what it gives me)
I like multi pocket pants
given its extra pockets
when I'm not carrying my bag,
but was criticized looking short for wearing short, bulky.
I have natural broad shoulder..
but...
really what's wrong with it..?
dislikeness, rejections, blaming.. it's pointing all over me...
from my very own close family...
really.. what's left for me is mine..?
I had that enthusiastic to practice driving whenever I return home once or twice a year.
I asked numerous times of permission to drive, for at least inside the court,
but I always gets the numerous rejections from mother to eventually I gave up asking...
I lost the interest to drive.. from all that effort of learning, failed and passing test...
I watched every same and younger age drive their siblings and parents... I couldn't....
I couldn't stop crying for days with overload thinking of all that past unfulfilling events,
how can I get a job with my depression strike like this again..... it's very depressing...
Friday, February 8, 2019
CNY in KL 2019
My CNY again in Kuala Lumpur. Atleast this time is much better than last year.
31st January 2019, Thursday
I was invited to join a reunion dinner with my ex-colleagues. It's was indeed a rush hour for most young people with happy and stress look to return hometown for the Chinese New Year celebration.
We celebrate LouSang at New Paris Restaurant at SS2 yearly, it was a nice restaurant indeed. I have the chance to meet with my ex-junior colleague who return from 1 year study course oversea and start fresh again in a company she likes.
Others is either found another job and moving on or stay in current company with success and busy lifestyle. I had a job, but the company didn't last after joining 7 months, I hardly save any money there with an entry salary.. but the co-workers are very nice, suggest, advice, gossip and critics to one another, and they are short gap in age. Now I'm back into my square room again. Thanks to ex-boss and ex-colleagues, I have some income doing freelance work, not much but good experience.
Round 2 began after 9.30pm.
We gathered at one colleague's friend's condo unit. The "Try Luck" plays poker and mahjong, since these aren't much in my childhood, I look after the toddler and play baby toys.
That friend has a few boxes of LEGO, and she's kind to give me one box to play. I felt my eyes just shined from the dark.
I have the habits of organizing parts by parts, it may be slow at the beginning but it starts interesting when assembling the parts together (It's super easy to find the parts you are looking for)
I finished assembling in 1.30 hours. They were amazed with the whole thing. The problem is, it needs to dismantle =__=lll aaa.... So I took a few snap memorable photo to keep.
5th February 2019, Tuesday
Brother treated me a meat feast at Rocku 7th Floor, Pavilion on the first day of CNY, also celebrate my birthday who happens to be 365 days jackpot today.. According to mom and Chinese belief, it's not a good day to celebrate my birthday on the first day of CNY.
They serve beef, pork, lamb, fish, chicken, prawn, scallop, squid and mussel.
Veggies, sauces, others are self service at a buffet counter.
Drinks and alcohol drinks are additional charged, ice-cream too.
Very recommended for groupies of 2, 4 and above. We made reservation for 12pm, reach 11.35am, get into plate licking until 1.15pm. Brother skillfully-cooked me fish and prawns. They are very nice.
He even bought 2 refreshing regular size drinks at Tealive with e-coupon for only RM6 (Rm3 each) before we heading back to KLCC to take the train back.
6th February 2019, Wednesday
An ex-colleague invited me to join her trip to relative house on the second day of CNY.
This is an unexpected trip to Pahang. Cost me RM100 spending while still jobless on the first week of the month... =...= I really should have taken serious about thinking before reply when comes to "keep in touch" people.
An iconic place.
In the last minute, we booked a hotel family room on Agoda
(discounted price which saves alot when booking online instead of walk-in) ,
We were staying in this hotel called Nice Stay Hotel.
erm .. it should be address motel.. with 2 storey height and backstairs which is located along the shop-lot houses.
Our room is on the ground floor. There's 1 double bed and 2 single beds.
My sense told me the corner a little unusual.
Well.. that's why a room with a discounted price for.. -..-
and it wasn't my choice to choose a corner bed.
31st January 2019, Thursday
I was invited to join a reunion dinner with my ex-colleagues. It's was indeed a rush hour for most young people with happy and stress look to return hometown for the Chinese New Year celebration.
We celebrate LouSang at New Paris Restaurant at SS2 yearly, it was a nice restaurant indeed. I have the chance to meet with my ex-junior colleague who return from 1 year study course oversea and start fresh again in a company she likes.
Others is either found another job and moving on or stay in current company with success and busy lifestyle. I had a job, but the company didn't last after joining 7 months, I hardly save any money there with an entry salary.. but the co-workers are very nice, suggest, advice, gossip and critics to one another, and they are short gap in age. Now I'm back into my square room again. Thanks to ex-boss and ex-colleagues, I have some income doing freelance work, not much but good experience.
Round 2 began after 9.30pm.
That friend has a few boxes of LEGO, and she's kind to give me one box to play. I felt my eyes just shined from the dark.
I have the habits of organizing parts by parts, it may be slow at the beginning but it starts interesting when assembling the parts together (It's super easy to find the parts you are looking for)
I finished assembling in 1.30 hours. They were amazed with the whole thing. The problem is, it needs to dismantle =__=lll aaa.... So I took a few snap memorable photo to keep.
Outside
Inside
Overall
5th February 2019, Tuesday
Brother treated me a meat feast at Rocku 7th Floor, Pavilion on the first day of CNY, also celebrate my birthday who happens to be 365 days jackpot today.. According to mom and Chinese belief, it's not a good day to celebrate my birthday on the first day of CNY.
They serve beef, pork, lamb, fish, chicken, prawn, scallop, squid and mussel.
Veggies, sauces, others are self service at a buffet counter.
Drinks and alcohol drinks are additional charged, ice-cream too.
6th February 2019, Wednesday
An ex-colleague invited me to join her trip to relative house on the second day of CNY.
This is an unexpected trip to Pahang. Cost me RM100 spending while still jobless on the first week of the month... =...= I really should have taken serious about thinking before reply when comes to "keep in touch" people.
The houses here is as old as granny. I like it.
As soon as we arrive in Raub, Pahang. We visit her relative's house. I finally able to eat a delicious durian. It's a D24, has a sweet creamy taste.
(Supermarket durian is very degraded, expensive, tasteless and unflavoured)
(Supermarket durian is very degraded, expensive, tasteless and unflavoured)
We had chit-chat with her nephew who works in Singapore and own two condo units in Johor. He is the reason that my ex-colleague travel to visit after 20 years of un-contact.
While they were still at it, I stepped out the terrace house. The weather was hot with slightly windy. Thinking what I can do while spending the time in someone's house..
Yes! My sketch paper. I was glad that I brought it.
I sketch inside the car with the door opened.
Her sister's son would tag along and watches me sketch.
Yes! My sketch paper. I was glad that I brought it.
I sketch inside the car with the door opened.
Her sister's son would tag along and watches me sketch.
In the last minute, we booked a hotel family room on Agoda
(discounted price which saves alot when booking online instead of walk-in) ,
We were staying in this hotel called Nice Stay Hotel.
erm .. it should be address motel.. with 2 storey height and backstairs which is located along the shop-lot houses.
Our room is on the ground floor. There's 1 double bed and 2 single beds.
My sense told me the corner a little unusual.
Well.. that's why a room with a discounted price for.. -..-
and it wasn't my choice to choose a corner bed.
This is a good hang out place for youngsters. The food is nice and the price is affordable.
What I don't like about is having to take care of people's leftover when you plan to have light meal of the night.
Back into hotel room.
After shower, and everyone's getting ready to sleep. I don't enjoy the sleep part at all. I wasn't feeling to lie down because of the unusual, And yes, it's creepy and dark from my side when the lights is switched off.
From
3am - 5am
Things did happened to me.
I wasn't sleepy, but I tried to relax with my eyes closed.
The aircon was on, the fan was on,
but apart from body, hand, legs and face, I felt only my right ear very close from a source of heat
exactly same of heat when you stood close to fire.
And it came on and off between this period.
Then,
I could hear the demonic breathe, (no, even I did, I don't breathe like that)
and next thing I experienced sleep paralyze. I felt a weight shock pressing shockness, pinning my right side head against the pillow.
I fought fiercely,
letting out a growl and shove my arm backward
to break the paralyze mode.
I was feeling scared at the same time.
I breath moderately.
My ex-colleague woke up from her bad cough,
she suggested to switch bed with me
because of her dry cough.
I asked her whether she is okay with it
(I actually hinted [if she could sense too] and look for her assurance)
before switching.
and she agreed.
Her dry cough stopped longer after switching bed,
the aircon really troubled her sleep with her bed position.
I was worry at the same time.
I slept well after that.
After checking out,
I told them about it.
They didn't mentioned that they felt
or they didn't want to make doubt about their religion belief
or knew but rather not making a fuss when a child is around.
Finally back to room,
I went out again to bank to pay rent and others,
and walk in the crowd in the holiday.
I start my freelance work again.
Sleep through the night,
and things back to normal.
Wednesday, January 23, 2019
My First Concept Art
I had irregular sleep for the passed weeks chasing up deadline work as an amateur in concept art drawing work.
Stressed from the start,
with the size of the wall in ai.
I learnt about PSB format and resize file.
Concentrating on sketching out the concept,
Angle and perspective is a pain but one of the fundamentals to apply on concept art.
I find it hard as I never actually learn the 7 art principles
as I merely just sketch by imagining.
For that,
I took reality pictures of bridge and buildings and platforms hanging around train stations and KLCC,
finding art samples of many artists and alot research on the theme.
I even place up empty snack box and others daily stuff to make as prop to get bit more clear of my composition.
Really took a lot energy and mentality to bring clearer image to my concept,
but often ends longer time in distressed of unworked plan.
I looked for articles and tutorials on Youtube about digital drawings in Photoshop, idea of brushes custom creation, but painting is really not worked on me although I always admire artists who got nasty sketch but paint godly to inspiration, pure artwork.
I tried, didn't work out realistically, it lacks textures and colour blend, mostly are contrast and point-perspective really hit me so hard..
At first it's okay, but I can't use those reference pic for my art. It isn't my original. So I changed.
I modified some building pictures and drew some of my buildings from sketch, my latest draft. However... my drawing has drove out of the original theme, cyberpunk... upset my ex-boss..this looked futuristic... is another failed draft.. and gonna restart over..
In mind, I keep the HQ in the back, place a cyborg overlooking the lawless city.
To make the cyborg less stand out, I put another one, changing the colour to sunset with the bright red Tune Talk. This is so far the acceptable visual.
It became a picture insert and retouch art...
Stressed from the start,
with the size of the wall in ai.
I learnt about PSB format and resize file.
Concentrating on sketching out the concept,
Angle and perspective is a pain but one of the fundamentals to apply on concept art.
I find it hard as I never actually learn the 7 art principles
as I merely just sketch by imagining.
This was my 3rd sketch.
but the final draft came a complete different concept..
For that,
I took reality pictures of bridge and buildings and platforms hanging around train stations and KLCC,
finding art samples of many artists and alot research on the theme.
I even place up empty snack box and others daily stuff to make as prop to get bit more clear of my composition.
Really took a lot energy and mentality to bring clearer image to my concept,
but often ends longer time in distressed of unworked plan.
I looked for articles and tutorials on Youtube about digital drawings in Photoshop, idea of brushes custom creation, but painting is really not worked on me although I always admire artists who got nasty sketch but paint godly to inspiration, pure artwork.
I tried, didn't work out realistically, it lacks textures and colour blend, mostly are contrast and point-perspective really hit me so hard..
To make the cyborg less stand out, I put another one, changing the colour to sunset with the bright red Tune Talk. This is so far the acceptable visual.
It became a picture insert and retouch art...
22 January 2019, Tuesday - Today's Dream
22 January 2019, Tuesday
Today's Dream
I was in the living room of the house. The sky was reddish pitch in the sunset eclipse.
Sitting on a chair is my father and my mother. Father has dark hair but wriggle face, mother looked a bit older and skinnier. They sat together in one table, looking peaceful in mind. I was stood beside the round little table, gazing them.
There's so much contrast and little orange red light in the room, it somewhat made the atmosphere abit of...sad, as if it's a last trip.
A knock on the door, I opened. A young lady with luggage seemed lost, probably sounding the wrong door.
Today's Dream
I was in the living room of the house. The sky was reddish pitch in the sunset eclipse.
Sitting on a chair is my father and my mother. Father has dark hair but wriggle face, mother looked a bit older and skinnier. They sat together in one table, looking peaceful in mind. I was stood beside the round little table, gazing them.
There's so much contrast and little orange red light in the room, it somewhat made the atmosphere abit of...sad, as if it's a last trip.
A knock on the door, I opened. A young lady with luggage seemed lost, probably sounding the wrong door.
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