Brother and I return home,
brother brought gifts home.
when that question came asking "where's yours?"
in front of brother..
I was told no need to bring gifts home
every calls before the trip home..
she would think it's a joke,
to me, it's humiliation and lost in the stand.
There's a few new appliances
I have never seen since a year
from my last return.
I was happy mom finally
decided to replace olds appliances for new.
Kettle, rice cooker, fridge, microwave, TV from brother and herself...
Brother was able to convince mother successfully...
I was sad I never succeed.
Mother never says yes to me...
with a lots of reasons...
but never says no to brother..
After lunch,
mom calls me into the kitchen,
she was making the meat for wantan making,
she takes over immediately when I made a mistake,
I get no second chance to do it when I finally get her..
Where's the "Practice makes perfect" motto
that she kept..?
I rush my work.
Mother and brother
make raw wantan in the living room.
We have guests visit
later for dinner.
The hour before 7pm,
seem like the amount of wantan
were not enough, and the wantan making
continues.
Mother was busy in the kitchen,
brother starts making more,
I washed my hand and was about to join brother,
grandma paused me to clear me and brother's shoes
for space to put guests' shoes.
I put at balcony,
washed my hand again
and return to join brother,
brother said,
"don't touch the wantan with your dirty hands"
mentioned he would do it by himself.
I washed twice... brother..
and he wasn't feeling appreciate that I join in,
was my wantan making ruining his arrangement and perfection?
At night after sending brother to hotel,
we stopped by hospital to get a number from the pharmacy,
but closed. I couldn't follow, as I waited at an emergency lane
inside the car.
2nd day, 17th
I found out my shoe needed repair last evening,
I wanted to buy super glue to repair myself,
and informed mother that I wanted to take a quick out to shop.
But mother stopped me and spending more than 5 minutes looking the house for a glue.
I kept convince mom to let me buy, and she kept insist to search the house... and more minutes wasted.
I finally got out the house to look for the glue.
When I return, mother questioned me and complained
that we were late to temple... I knew she would said that
Such thing always happened on me... and I foresee I would never miss the lectured
The more I reasoned with mother,
the more she never stop bringing up old stories..
and the easier, sour the relationship.. if I start the flame.. I silent.
I wore a multi-pocket short pants,
possession the key in my lower pocket,
mother insist she carries in her bag,
for she sees it looked bulky with my shorts...
I insist that I carry for her for that's the purpose of having multi-pockets.
To the hospital.
to get a number from the pharmacy after fetching brother from hotel.
Mom gave a blur instruction of the pharmacy's location to me.
Rushing up time like disarming a boom, (I don't know why it has to be like that)
so I rush to get off to ask for direction from a counter I could find,
followed by brother.
I headed wrong area.
Brother questioned me.. he was unhappy..
brother asked a counter and got the correct direction..
brother did the queue, brother got the number,
we quickly get into the lift,
to return to the destination we just agreed back in the car,
the bus stop.
but, mother called impatiently waiting and said
the guard is chasing her away from the emergency lane,
weren't we agreed to meet at the bus stop?
We got in the car,
that very first thing in mind was mother questioned me and
thought I knew a place I have rarely visit.
When I told mother that her instruction wasn't clear,
she didn't admit it instead she blamed me of it..
I wanted to show everyone that I'm capable and useful,
but I got this.. embarrassment,
and in front of brother..
why wasn't she question brother who travel frequent home than me...?
6.08pm
We were heading to Hilltop for the famous house dumplings, Tuaran mee and grilled stingrays.
I really looking forward to make an advance order when we sat down
only to know brother had already ordered unknownly he arrived before us. (he didn't update me)
Mother questioned me whether I knew brother arrive, I was blank.
Brother cancelled the order and went to pick stingray.
I recalled I wanted to order a grilled stingray for dinner near the house
from my first day in K.K from my last visit..
I really braved myself with my that depressing condition to walk to the stall
to look for a fitting size and price IF I can, and no harm if couldn't,
but mother followed seconds when the fish was weighting.
It was a very sound alarming voice
calling my name "Sze Ee!!!" in the public.
showing up at the grill stall where I stood,
"You don't know how to choose, too big we cannot finish, let's order something else!!"
right before I think examining price for another size and decide want or not in the last....
(I never get complete the process, I never experience it at all.. how can I learn if she always stops me in the process...?)
I was really tolerable and holding up tears...
for being shamed in public.. there were children, parents, youngster group.. and being shamed in that age at the fish stall...
All I had wanted was to eat grilled stingray when I'm... and treat the family... and I never able to fulfill it at will...
Brother picked two stingrays grilled with sambal..
mother complained nothing at the size and amount except the spiciness..
grandma never touch the fish, she hates stingrays.
Brother paid the bill again...
ALL mother said to me was "Brother paid this, brother paid that"
when I had stable job and income, I finally volunteer at will to do the same to pay groceries and replace old appliances,or atleast for meal treats, it's always rejections come whether I had job or jobless... the same...
when I haven't say "Thank you,"
mother would reminded me, "Hey, you haven't say 'thank you', it's brother's treat, don't you know?"
this made me felt miserable and useless even I didn't want to ....
3rd day, 18th
Mother and I went to make our passport together
after dropping brother to hotel.
On a road walking to the building,
mother brought up topic again,
about my bag.
I bought this bag nearly 3 years ago,
mom had seen it and criticized about it,
I already aware of it, and really, really take necessary prevention for bringing this bag
whenever she visits me in KL.
for the sake of bringing up the topic again and complaining.
I found this unavoidable as I have to carry my laptop and many other necessary gadgets home.
I carry this bag with my sketch book, passports, pencil, eraser, money, IC everything here, and mom's pharmacy number.
she never give up to wanted to show me the size of my bag on my back... and has the idea of showing me with her taking photos behind me..
Brother prepared dinner,
mother assist in the kitchen,
it would never happen on me for the next century..
They are both alike, intelligent but power-and-mind control, best doing themselves without help of minors.
I had offered to cook too in the past, but mother never accepts or stops me for she likes cooking her own style.
I never cook for her as I obeys her, I knew her every answer is a "no"...
so I never have that chance coming as my wish...
Dinner,
sitting down enjoy brother's homemade dish.
Grandma always has that never forgeting habit of calling me to eat all the leftovers
and I never sound out ever since mother stops me for being rude.
If the situation were different, especially with brother's presence
he would stop me and mother would support him,
and I would get more trouble to myself..
because it happened before.. and I had to ignore quietly..
4th day, 19th
auntie coming for lunch before our flight in the evening.
She is a sister-like to my mother.
we all sat down for lunch,
and the conversation continued,
brother took the chicken into the kitchen to de-bone,
returned and placed into the bowl of soup,
the auntie and mother compliment brother for doing a loving job.
They asked brother whether he frequent cook in KL
and in return mother praised brother's cooking at me in front everyone
"nah, see? Brother can cook well,"
which I sat staring at mother.
Brother served grandma.
I served mother,
I served auntie,
but I am the only one get backfired for not serving the guest first,
I was not praised for doing kind but
shamed for not doing in right order..
I listened, but I get humiliation, embarrassment, questioned and shamed..
I offered, I get "no"
I wanted to start a conversation and shared him that we are in the same boat about the auntie,
Brother didn't want to comment, he dropped my question instantly..
for brother who's power-control would met with an auntie
who has more voices than him in the conversation,
definitely feel unpleasant, inescapable, annoying and upset..
There's nothing in that house
that has a mark of me...
That washing machine was one last I offered for replace... I get the answer "no".....I gave up...
I began see everything I don't own, it's brother and mother's house... I don't see any pieces of myself as part of that house..
Was I really part of the family..? Was I just an extra member as a laughing stock, a puppet..?
With repeated same phrase everytime, every calls, every year
"economies very bad, going worse" (not a single year is good before war started)
"Don't get married, don't have children" (I'm a LGBT)
"Don't befriend smoker, gambler, drinker" (50% population you will meet in KL)
non-encouraging words
negative energy
unpeaceful reminders
being minor in the family,
they never listen or taking my words seriously..
never question themselves, never admit, never understand...
why I became like this... weak with a smile
everything the same....
a born "extra"..
useless..
failure..
like father, like daughter...
broken family, that is going to repeat itself...
That photo triggered depression once again,
crushes me hard.. I couldn't be myself, have what I like or what I choose.
I chose the bag I like
it gives me the efficiency, secure and organized,
but was criticized for its look
(I'm not tall or big to match with it, but I appreciate what it gives me)
I like multi pocket pants
given its extra pockets
when I'm not carrying my bag,
but was criticized looking short for wearing short, bulky.
I have natural broad shoulder..
but...
really what's wrong with it..?
dislikeness, rejections, blaming.. it's pointing all over me...
from my very own close family...
really.. what's left for me is mine..?
I had that enthusiastic to practice driving whenever I return home once or twice a year.
I asked numerous times of permission to drive, for at least inside the court,
but I always gets the numerous rejections from mother to eventually I gave up asking...
I lost the interest to drive.. from all that effort of learning, failed and passing test...
I watched every same and younger age drive their siblings and parents... I couldn't....
I couldn't stop crying for days with overload thinking of all that past unfulfilling events,
how can I get a job with my depression strike like this again..... it's very depressing...
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