Truth About Adult Age in the Family Home

One thing I know as an adult age is,

adult children are meant to venture and have journey alone,

and meant to live away from their parents' house,

have their own place to live even if they are single their whole life.

 

News and stories always taught us about loving our parents,

and never abandon our parents,

yes, it's true but the truth within truth is,

you will live inside parents' cage, parents' old rules,

many adult children who aren't lucky, are tied down and live the puppet life

their parent want them to be, and not once they can fight or complain at them,

for their freedom of thoughts, decision.

 

Me? I tried so many times, my parent just loves to live their old ways, does their old ways,

and I in their house, I much forced to live with their adaption of inconveniency..

 

An old washing machine that cannot function with wash or rinse, only a purpose for dry spin.

You soak and wash your own clothes.

 

A fan that is switched to maximum speed can barely feel the coolness in the living room on daily hot weather, is always needed an internal servicing, my parent said the same excuse, "Bear with it as you only stay a few holidays and fly back anyway,"

 

A new brand notepad, you barely use as you fear of its' lifespan, again one of the things we can't control, making worried faces. What about the stove, the rice cooker, the fridge, they are electronics, have lifespan and meant to use, just like notepad.  

 

Every visit, my parent vents alot of problems always on me, the total unfairness my brother doesn't have to meet, but always reject my SINCERE offer to fix their problem. Yes, I mean every visit, same problems are repeatedly vent out, and there's nothing we adult children can do about it but listen the same repeated problems again and again, really drains my sanity. What's the point telling me all these everytime, that you live a humble life, your sisters think you have money to fix things, then come for your children for debt repay (it just eventually present this year), yeah, I get that, I always knew. I'm not stupid.

I was so eager to drive back then, but per parent's rule was to present at passenger seat, limited to parking lots only,  and when parent only has free time.. and me .. coming home twice a year... always missed those chances to drive.. So I never actually drive on my own after I got C License or even P License.. after all the efforts, dares and sweat practices with late Uncle John.. came wasted. The best time I drove was with two of my close collegemates on the late movie night out, we had our chances driving to places and talked about what we mistakes we made along the way, and figuring things out as we drive and stop at places. Sport Complex,  Jalan Tanjong Lipat, town to finally our homes.

 

Beloved by parents, is also a curse.

Especially being the only daughter and the youngest..

The root of my depression,

from a broken family,

my cries of to be acknowledged, my opinions was never heard.

no matter how hard I try, I tried

my parent just never shows weaknesses,

never show their vulnerable state,

rarely admit their mistakes,

they gets angry and upset when I tried to reach out to them.

They, the hardest to look after,

because they never listen me, or to corporate with me.

 

I realized how extreme stubborn their mind is,

when my parent hospitalized for eye surgery.

I have no place in there.

I have no experience in taking my parent,

because they never let me,

I did my very best soothing and smoothing everything with my strength and necessary preparation,

they still has their says, they still complains.

I have to make walls to shield my parent's

influence, old ways, beliefs, methods

from putting into my head.

Carbonara is a delicious dish which many loves,

but it's a curse word that heavily carved in my head.

It drives my temper, an obstacle, obstruction, a 'must not', great hesitation.

Now my parent is putting "Lady's Finger" into my head,

how many more new curse word is my parent going to carve in me?

Now it's a word I would not want to share with my older brother, it will become his too.

Many a times,

complain every little tiny things

my parent make repeating mistakes,

and always says "I don't remember I had said before" / "you won't understand until you become a mother" as excuses to brush off,

but this always never ends well on me, 

I always shut the fuck up until she finishes the rest she had repeatedly told in the past.

She should had just stopped, or I wouldn't have been so mad driven in silence.

I can't recalled how many times I wanted to throw the phone to bits.

SHe is really lucky that I didn't inherit her short circuit temper.

If she happens to read these,

surely, she still have things to say, and angry at me,

with all the points she noted down to say to me,

one on one,

in a room,

where I sat still,

hurtfully listened with bitter in tears.

Wish That They Teach This in School

Would be great if I have [ Refusal Skill ] activating, passively. Everyone in society always looking out for victims that benefits the people who they know how to exploit others without anything taken from them.

 

Even running home charity requires funds.

 

Refusal Skill, meaning to saying [ No ] for anyone who tries to exploit my soft spot for being kindred-spirit and what I'm capable of without anything return from them. I understood Health, Sanity, Time and Money is important to me. I understood knowledge is also what brought me to improving life and self development, but I was desperate that I neglected 3 over 4 of them in exchange for knowledge. Wearing the [Yes] Mask, that I forgot how to be the real me in my 20s journey work life. I have been through some shit from these people whether intentionally or not.

 

I always let my guard down for them to exploit, and because of that, depression and self guilt almost took my life away. The word that came across me this year describe about my life living away from parents, - expendable, meaning I'm replaceable once my sanity is exhausted.

CASE 1

Today, one such person came to ask whether I okay to take an assignment. He is my 2 year online language tutor. At first, I thought his message meant whether I got time to do extra homework due to my several absence for online class. Yet, he came with this question when I was feeling apologetic for being absence the evening class to make me say "Okay," without knowing what assignment he actually meant until he reveals his assignment as design work related.

Earlier this year on Chinese New Year, I took a pity on his dream to push forward his tournament despite the lack of manpower, that, I volunteered and helped him without a charge. And here, he is expecting me to agree doing for free without saying loud [Free help, yes?],  mean in exchange for my time and sleep if it's not for money.

With [ Refusal Skill ], helps me to draw a line before I end up hurting myself again.

Why It's Important to Say No to People Sometimes

and so, I told that person I charge for a fee. He responded with "Okay bah, thank you," ending the conversation quickly. He too is a sly fox, his teaching method is effective and good however he stopped teaching us new chapters for a year, and every class sessions onward, he gave topics and had us used 6W to make conversations to each other. There's been more than 15 topics we had done now, which I see there's no end of this. I had decided to stop this online tuition with one of 2 reasons being financial tight, he began offering a cheaper fee of RM 10 per class just to keep me.

I thought my reasons were clear, but one online class, he suddenly make up things that I had not said. It upsetting to be honest. There's going to be 4 more session before ends, I'm actually looking forward to that.

CASE 2

Another person who appears to be my unit owner, landlord or house owner. There's 2-3 tenants in his unit, but I'm always the first one he approaches whether I work from home now or work from office in the past.

 

Times is always with the other tenants, and things always fall on me. The sense of  dropping everything I'm doing to pre-myself putting his as instant priority because he's not able to present to do himself, with the most recent happen 3 times this week on working hour, it's not that I want to make things hard for him, but it's just too much.

 

Unlit shared toilet bulb on Thursday, I'm told to reach out management office to fix it. Me, working from home, I'm the only available to look for management office's technician the next day, and get done before weekend comes. It has to be me, I can't complain this.

 

House Cleaning "check up" on Tuesday 4.45pm. I highly doubt he ever ask other tenant before he comes to me. It pissed me off sometimes seeing other tenant walking in out not their fucking business while I tending somebody's fucking business.

 

A bedframe delivery for a vacant room, he could have the delivery's time re-arranged to the following day he comes to the unit or where the new tenants move in if he isn't free yet wanted things settled before he goes for holiday the following week... pushes  the timeframe for me who have no choice to catch.

 

Me, being the most reliable human tool. He took it for granted. [ Sorry ] sometimes don't do the magic work to put out the fire in me or compensate my sanity.

 

House owner came by the following day. Again, he came knocking my door to ask for rope for measurement. It's Friday, and it's fucking working day. If he knows he's going to do measurements, he should have prepared all the necessary stationery and tool before hand. According to that, he just never prepare. My face is just pissed.

The Opposite Relation

 

 

Arcane Season 2 - Episode 4

 

Well, I'm curious who exactly hooks who first in that scene. But based on S1 Epi-5, I felt that it's Cait and already "busy" in the B. This felt like must be her 2nd time and Maddie just go with the flow ?

 

 I do feel sorry for Maddie, because Cait just need a replacement for her loss of love after so many things happened, and no one she can talk to about her self feelings, not even to her father. Maddie just happen to be 2nd closest (she trusted and keep as secret) who can fulfill her needs, so Cait chose to approach her instead of the rest of Enfocers who think her a misfit, now that she is addressed as Leader of Kiramman House status, she can't be seen walking into B.

 

Then again, I notice the face of Maddie when Cait turned and looked to her at the statue. It feels like... Maddie kind of understood the Cait's face meant their breakup? That's the kind of vibe I felt. Earlier we have seen both of them in the room standing side by side. But then at the statue, Maddie was standing far, at post. First of all, why the scene shows the back and forth between the two at the statue in the first place.

 

(S2 Epi-6, Cait is suddenly consumed herself in training close combat with Ambessa inside her ship, and not in Piltover ground, Enforcer department, I assumed she stayed inside ship and train mad. The aggressive of losing in the ground had Caitlyn rushes her spear at Ambessa's cheek is like she just blowing off steam, no distraction.

 

Maddie is not in the Catching Beast team, only Cait and Noxians.

 From <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCPJm59v1oc>

 

 

 

Reminded me when I was at the edge of emotional breakdown in high school days.

After my love confession to a straight girl in the group,

the instant change of air,

seeing familiar surround faces used to be team spirit buddies group became distanced, I experienced silent treatment and bullied

Coming out to parents for being heartbroken, but received ignorance and shame for having unnatured love,

full of negativities and rejection.

I continued to bear the eyes of others, while training and performance duty as potential medal athlete for my state. 2 years of restraining claws.

 

I needed someone, or anyone I could release my wild side

I turned to the person

who's often give me a pep talk

to talk to,

to share to,

That person is like Maddie to Caitlyn.

 

But, me losing myself

I made a mistake approaching

To whom I trusted I could to show my vulnerable and desire to this "Maddie"

I thought she would understood, felt the same and embraced me. 

 

Instead,

my action of touching intimately to her shoulder

Unintentionally, greatly backfired that after school.

All I could felt was her shock and fear,

With her being next classroom, avoided and afraid of my presence.

I apologized to her personally one day, though things had gotten better

but our friendship is never the same anymore.

 

Realizing myself feeling different from most society, from Asian background,

I started analyze things, and which topic to keep to myself from everyone.

Best describe myself

As a beast, putting chain to myself

And self-restrain to meat.

 

The less people who knows me the better.

To prevent another lost of friendship.

 

Putting up walls so high that

I doubt my existence, feeling guilt and suicidal that I once became.

Counselling teacher wasn't trained to counter my case being different situation in my generation,

But this held me hope till graduation, much relieved and freed from wearing school uniforms that I disliked for 6 years.

 

 

Caitlyn and Maddie's bed scene,

is my opposite side.

Many would felt betrayed by Cait's action after broken up with Vi,

but it's the most fortunate cause you can get in real life.

 讀書法 有三到 - 讀書的方法有三個重點。

心眼口 信皆要 - 心要在、眼要看、嘴巴要读，一个都不能少；有了这三个点你读起来就越来越有信心100分！考试也会有100分的机会。

方讀此 勿慕彼 - 就好像读故事书一样，专心得读自然会明白故事在讲什么。当你不专心的话，你读几次都不会真正明白故事。也不能一本書才剛開始讀， 又想要看其他的書。

此未終 彼勿起 - 這一本沒讀完，不要去讀另外一本。

寬為限 緊用功 - 老师说：“啊，同学们两个礼拜后就是考试啦。” 要懂得安排时间。比如：放学后或星期六/日 翻开书本复习老师课堂上所教的东西，考试要到了，还剩不多时间了就要抓緊机会努力用功、不要偷懶。
When making a study plan, you may wish to relax the deadline and tighten it once it is started.
Work hard, implement strictly, don’t be lazy

功夫到 滯塞通 - 日積月累功夫深了，原先礙不通，困難有疑問的地方，自然而然就解決了。
As time goes by and I have worked hard, the places that were previously unobstructed, difficult and doubtful will naturally become
Then it was solved.当你不断得努力学习，不会的东西都慢慢学会了。自己也会信心满满可以教别人。

心有疑 隨札記 - 如果求學當中，心裡有疑問的地方，就要隨時做筆記。

就人問 求確義 - 一有機會就向良師益友請教，務必確實明白它的意義。


Su Xun 年轻时，不爱读书，只会到处玩爽。
等到他27岁了，才发觉自己知识浅，什么都不会，才决定开始好好努力念书。

就在有一天Su Xun睡午觉的时候，梦见自己在河边，河边有一棵树。他就想啊，这树下真够凉爽，我可以在树下休息啊。就在这个时候，有位老先生出现了，他说：”这棵树长得太歪，在不想办法把它（这棵树）修修，晚了话就没药救了。“

这时Su Xun就不懂老先生的意思就跑前问老先生：您在讲什么？我不明白。

Su Xun从梦中醒来以后。知道自己还需要更加努力学习，于是呢他就抓紧时间努力念书。到了一年后，Su Xun就去报名考试，可是呢成绩考不好。这时就让他深深反省一遍，觉得自己还是不够好，Participating in the imperial examination to seek fame is really not the purpose of studying.

所以他把旧的书本烧掉，再往对的目标从头学起，6-7年他写的作品终于获得一位考官叫欧阳修的欣赏，Su Xun才这样成为了有名的文学家。writer.

10th November 2024, Sunday

 Things happen in Public Because I'm non-Muslim.

 

"EXCUSE ME!" often happened on me that came from a Muslim with an obvious arrogant tone and intention. The so-called living in multi-racial + MUSLIM country, that Muslim woman sees herself as Muslim race above the rest and I became her "lower eye" view.

The look of a bookstore outlet.

Every outlet has wide entry and exit space, just because her friend is at the exit of the cashier, she walks her way into the narrow queue and let out "EXCUSE ME!" to make her "princess" presence known so that I would shift slightly against cashier counter while doing my payment, which is deemed very unnecessary. She could went the other way, but she forced her way through.

Malu to say they are the Anak Malaysia. Educated people without morals.

Some different or even same races too make an appearance from out of nowhere by cutting queue, and pretended I never exist. These type of people do not make eye contact with you after they done what they wanted, makes me the temper to punch their arrogant faces so badly.

 Soul with different gender and physique.

I happened to be a soul carry X. It's not like I can choose gender, but still the first to enter ovum out of 80 million siblings competition.

 

I am the life that enters the ovum carrier until birthed, given protection and warmth call home on Earth, living as an intelligent living organism call human being who understand each other with communication through acquired different languages. Raised from fine education importance, survived 20 years and began living on my own under labour|wages system to survive by working for another human till today.

I sound like an alien  XD

Male and and female both behave and react differently to one, same task. Same to me whether I'm a tough soul inside female body or not, my reaction will likely react towards danger in a feminine but not average reaction. I don't scream, but I do have sense of fear overwhelmed to lost ability to speak and easily comply with hesitation, simply said, "stunt, head blank, overpowered" when it's an acquaintance male corners me, close up inside office lift.

Because male has larger physique, human of 151cm height such as me will have much wary and feeling insecurity behaviour, it's not that I hate every male counterparts, but protection in nature. Same goes to other female counterparts who see me as different from feminine group, they either enjoy my company or avoid me in disgust with the same insecurity, eventhough I'm shorter.