22 September 2021, Wednesday - Today's Dream

Today's Dream

[Knowing that she has her own family, her dream comes true] My feelings for her has finally buried in the soil, letting my mind rest and move on my life. That's how it felt in the dream.

19th September 2021, Sunday

18th September 2021, Saturday

I have my concentration place on my work from 8am-3pm, doing work. It's hardly ever had this kind of motivation to do something, well because it's really a load of work.

Last Friday,

I was told that I got a raise, I had always thought my salary was 2xxx, but it was raised without my concern, I only remember the monthly that banked in. I don't know if it's a good thing or not. I wish I could spend more wisely. But I still depending on Grab, I really need to stop using if not necessary.

I have made a list, saving extra for family trip, but I'm still at slow pace..

 Today's Dream,

It's not the first time I dreamt about having one, probably the 3rd time, and almost exposed to my parent with an extended genital slidetube during my erection. I saw myself in my brother's room from the old house. I was standing near the window facing side of a vertical mirror observing my erection.

- Present Day -

Waking up at about 6.15am with the arousal desire. But, I can't miss the good chance to exercise though mind is thinking dirty.

I searched an article about what it means appear in dream, and here it is :

https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/dream-about-having-a-penis  

Today I was hesitate... a work that I have been redoing and revised many times for the passed weeks but still not to my director's expectation, and further changes and changes, again and again to a point I was afraid to ask any further... present any further... until I re-question my ability as a fitting designer in the team.. I'm afraid to present... because I know... my current design is expecting more changes... and the last message I received was

"But this version can be one option to use"

... am I to create yet another design for the same work before I can really proceed to boss's approval....?

It was started as a simple survey form design... but as weeks and month passed, it turned into more a complicated work that I wasn't expecting to present... I struggled a lot doing it... and really wasting my effort and patience...

Insecure

When I'm not doing well performance at job, when I see others trying hard on difficult projects and were able to pull it through with excellent results, made me envy how great their skills are, while I struggled with something that looks elementary level to anyone but difficult to me, felt I didn't belong to this field in the first place all this years of work...

I feel insecure about graphic design, that my skill couldn't get anywhere better after all these years in my career. I don't know how to improve.. always feeling half-baked.. and always someone steps-in to do my undone work.. 

I slowly felt myself don't belong in the team.. there will be 4 new designers joining soon, with my 3 years here... I don't know what to say with that level I have now can be their guide...

I couldn't get myself of what I'm even doing sometimes... Was I not fit to be creative in this field all this time ...? I envy how others can take up their promises and deliver impressive results so easily... and complete their tasks in a 10x times short period.

I'm at lost in my career... I struggle to learn new things... I didn't try hard enough to learn something new by myself outside of my career...

I really like to draw, but all I can manage is do sketches but not to an impressive level... even I play games, but I'm never becoming an expert or specialized in anything... I only just enjoy the game flow and story... sucks to feel I'm half-baked in everything...

I'm not serious enough thinking my goal... my dream... my life... but I'm seriously anxious about my future as I age up, that if I leave this company I won't find job elsewhere that want suck skill like me... I want to be like them, who's skill is impressive and depended.

Food That I Like

Fast Food actually also mean

Fast Hungry

You get hungry in couple hours. The taste is definitely cheap, delicious and addictive but doesn't last long for a day, similar like taking cigarettes, you just need more and more every often.

Although I love fast food like pizzas and burgers, I prefer rice, meat and veggies. It has more carbohydrates, protein, nutrients and fibers that help you stay longer and unique spice taste. I personally like Japanese food, I also like Middle East's Lamb Mandy, just... poor small lamb to be served on the dining table.

For Chinese cuisine, I like steamed fish, siumai, dumplings and Baku Teh. Kangkung Cuttlefish is my favourite snack, but they are getting expensive.

7th September 2021, Tuesday

 Today's Dream

A hella party with some races probably a celebrating some passed examinations together. Everyone is scraping up for buck of snacks and drinks and heading to a booked unit. 

Before the party starts, I was with my mother who decided to pay a visit to my martial art teacher, and we climb the stairs and enter the old grumpy apartment. There's a student whom I never met, she has a large size body with darker skin and chubby smile, yet the eyebrow makes the entire face looking serious and mean business. We greet but we don't talk probably we both are shy. Mom collects the clothes that once I wore for the performance/competition and we left.

I sat inside the passenger seat, while brother drives to the party in ... 4 cars? The ride was lively before brother stops the car and runs a scan check on me, my body oxygen level is calculated 14% only, ventilation was not used may seem strange in real world, but take a few dilute tablet that turns oxygen when touch in water, a quick way for the body to receive 100% oxygen in a very short time. Don't know how this dream world advanced science and technology, but it works.

And so, we finally gather in a less furnish unit with class desks and chairs and toss large size snack packs with every arriving comers and watch TVs.

2nd Dose Vaccination

 Preparation of stocking food and nutrition like fruits and water a day before the vaccine day is helpful.

I still experience unwell on my 2nd dose such as light fever, body heat itchy elbow, fatigue joints, dry skin and sensitive to light. It took away my precious 2 days of just sleeping and doing less productive.

I actually plan to make a move on my goals, but didn't work out for this 4 days long holiday.

There's a game sale on Steam. Despite many negative criticism in the past, I really lay my trust on this game so much that I decided to buy it even though there's much complaints about bugs - Cyberpunk 2077

Other colleagues have already dropped their interest on this game since the complaints. The whole world  were actually excited of the trailer before the game release and looking forward to it, we even made a wishlist on this game but the excitement never came as a whole for those feeling disappointed and losing their interest. The storm has passed, and I waited long enough, I going to take the risk and buy this game.

Sunday night, I joined the gang play WWZ after feeling much better. I bought Monday 12.17am, had my laptop runs the installation for 3 wee hours plus. I started the 4 hours tutorial and character creation. Yes, the starting took 4 hours long for a begin play.

Seriously, Cyberpunk 2077 is a great potential game I have ever played, if minus the bugs, this game can be godly made. Honestly, this game is not for serious married husbands to play, just like Witcher 3, there's things not censored, but there's an option setting to turn on censor, to me .. hell it would be a huge waste. As a single LGBT, this game experience turn me on. The game developer team really done great job and they deserved to be praised.

At 1st, I was actually worried I won't play long because this game is FPS and the main reason I don't play FPS is motion sickness experience. To my surprise, I didn't get it this time and after playing 20 hours. Secondly, everything is new to me, all functions, stats build and tech abilities is a new experience in Cyberpunk world, I really felt myself living in this cyber crime punky world as a Futa looting eurodollar, recycle and fight gangsters with awesome tech. I haven't try walking without clothes.

Yes, there's bugs. Sometimes I have to ignore to save time and move on than feeling frustrate of trying to loot some items as seen lootable. The the tech scan, I can easily find lootable items nearby. Just like Witcher 3, there's time of day and night in Cyberpunk.

45 hours of play, I felt myself becoming the character living in high crime cyber gang world walking with weapons, traveling from city to city doing side jobs with connections and networks from clients ringing you. The kind of shitty risky life where you got no foes remembering your face for beating their underlings and earning extra cash on stealing gang's money, .The life you sell junk guns and clothes to pay your rent. A life with no parents living apartment, driving car and bikes, car crash and still get up alive in piece. In a world that joytoys don't disgusted by your gender taste.