This blog is the only dimension I can express myself about my inner thoughts, desires, and everything in life. It's like part of my memory core. That only the people who has my link is able to access.
There's alot of unfairness in this world, yet there's alot fascinating stuff I experienced through growth. Not everyone follow the society laws, and more than half of human populations are living above the law with cuns and cruelness on clean hands of others. To use or to be used.
Once a kid myself, I was a bright and energetic little girl but some incident changed me, with a quiet personality.
I already know Embarrassment on the 3rd day in kindergarten school, I mistaken about the attire and mom forced me to change cloth in front of the class behind the teacher's table against my will. That PE class, I distanced myself from the rest. I wandered under the large tree, walking on the tree roots, playing "Don't fall" while other kids playing ground structure. Those, somehow I felt those tunnels didn't fit my size anymore, I didn't want to embarrass myself again.
I also know keeping sadness to myself. Though I wept, I zipped my mouth infront of two teachers who asked me why I teared up. There was one early morning getting ready to school. My mom suddenly brought out a drawing board and told me to write after her, starting with alphabet "Aa Bb Cc Dd". I was happy writing in the beginning. Somehow I don't know what made mom angry when I wrote "d", she said I wrote it wrongly. she repeated the same "d" over and over again for more the 3 times, I couldn't understand where I went wrong. I asked her what did I wrote wrong, she angrily scolded me for writing it wrong yet she didn't really answer me where was I wronged. I remembered looking at the clock on the wall 6.45am, I told her we were going to be late. She didn't bother.. and "her lesson" continued. That 15 minutes was terror for me. She drove me to the school, however the school gate had already closed. The security guard took me in. There was no one else in the compound, only the sound of students reading in class echoing the hallway. I was left alone, brushing off the tears in my face, taking slow breathe and put on a smile, before I took the high staircase myself to my class. I stood outside the class, even double myself before I enter. I appeared to be more charming, greeting my form teacher and classmates on the front row, she immediately could tell that I cried. She took me to a corner and asked me why was I late and what happened. When that recent happening triggered me, I couldn't hold my tears, and let out, but I didn't say anything. I don't know what I did wrong back in the house. I didn't know why mom got angry, I didn't know how to start that conversation to the teachers. Therefore, I zipped it.
I can see others kids in school, disliking each other because one doesn't comply to what others like. I was one. Being dislike by a girl and till now I don't know the reason she was being unfriendly to me. She was one of the volunteer dance team as me, and two of us were paired in one group performing as play kids acting "Paper, Rock, Scissor". As kids, we were taught in school to hold hands to not get lost. That night at the Yayasan Sabah behind auditorium outside entrance, both of us were the last pair in line. She broke lose my hand intentionally, I immediately separated from the group under the moonlight, I wasn't panic but curious of where they went and what's wrong with her. I was turning back and forth, but when I know moving forward was the only logic way to regroup, I finally regrouped. I was scolded by panic teacher which I told her the girl didn't want to hold hand with me. After the performance, we never see each other, all of the dancers in group performance were kids from different classes afterall. Two of them later became my primary school classmates, and secondary schoolmates.
I was more of a crybaby around brother's presence, because I knew I was never able to beat brother unless karma falls upon him. But when I was alone, I was much happier, much independent. I loved fantasizing stories of my own and put them on my boy toys. I did play barbie doll and cooking toys, but bored me fast.
To be truth, as a kid before kindergarten, I already had strong lustful feelings over barbie toys. It often stopped me from playing dressing house halfway at most 20 minutes, because it wet me, and the lewd fantasy in my head continues when I enter bedroom, playing my body (mostly when mom was busy in kitchen). I remembered one Sunday, my mom was watching TV on her comfort big chair in the bedroom. I was little annoyed by her presence, because I couldn't use the bed, but couldn't help holding up my lustful self, I played my body behind the big chair.
I grew up watching SailorMoon. It was channeled every Sunday on NTV7 between morning and noon. I did missed alot because my family often goes out on Sunday. Whenever I see those Sailor heroines transform, I always try to look away but still "peeping" anyway. When finally reached Season 3, with the two new mysterious Senshis. I was totally felt connected on both of them, like a part of me awaken. Those times, the anime was originally Japanese dub with Malay subtitles. I could clearly tell that it's a "she" in a boy school uniform, Tenou Haruka nii-san (It's how I address her) has a deeper voice and masculine personality. Her Sailor transformation was the coolest among all, paired with powerful cast move and Sword Talisman as weapon. I idolized her and her partner being talented at young age and Kaiou Michiru nee-san's pure love at cost for her. I enjoyed watching everything about them throughout the Season 3. I was actually disappointed that they were not appearing in Season 4, for real.
Fans around the world pick up violin, piano and arts ...etc because of their shining inspiration. Now it makes sense. I love art and little bit more obsess with bike. I realized I was different from normal girls when puberty reaches. I didn't like feminine clothes, I still like my doll though, cuddling it in the house.
When I had a crush on a girl when I was 14, I changed. Love at blind sight. Thinking back now, I was so in love about this first crush that no matter how scary Wushu training was and went to training center with my blade in sheath on foot anyway, because my dad didn't want to drive me there. I even bought Ferraro Roche with my pocket money on Valentine's Day, the same day as my School's Cross Country and delivered to her house on foot. I acted out boldly and manly on purpose when I walk pass girls. In hometown, we recognize bro-girls, we would eye-to-eye with a small head bow, eventhough we were strangers in public.
Having chosen to join the National Service after my brother, I get to experience what's life is like when you hold a gun in hand. It's much the same as holding a blade in Wushu training, but more of a quick killing. I wish I can master on effective self-defense & assault strategy and get better at doing obstacles. I was glad that I joined the water sport training. Every morning before dawn, we get intensive stamina and strength training instead of regular exercise. Eventhough the competition was cancelled (Everyone trained hard that time, were all disappointed), but worth the completion of joining NS.
I was also selected as representative of my team as a volunteer to the [ Rescue Mission ] during Masuk Hutan programme, a 5 hours hiking into the deep forest where we camped the night. Here's the detail. A helicopter was down. We received a distress call. Here comes to our part. Our Mission is to locate the survivors, and bring them back to our "Base Camp". Sounds easy, however each group only allowed one torchlight, leading the rest of the member, in a completely dark and unfamiliar environment. IT IS DANGEROUS to hike in the dark. All returned camp safe and sound. Thirsty and hungry.
Taking Diploma was originally not my plan after completing the 3 Month National Service. I was 1 year and 3 months behind everyone of my age, because my secondary school completion is 6 years instead of 5, age 18 taking SPM instead of 17 and final year exam for graduation. Most have already half in college/university further study. I picked my most confidence subject - Art/Animation. [Diploma in Multimedia] that I might achieve greatly. But I was glad my mom dragged me so that I could catch up with others without further delays. Back then I was stubborn, I thought start out working would work best for me, I didn't think of these in my mom's shoes. I understand now.
Picking a course to be your future career is like finding a wreckage ship in the sea. There are many who chose their courses, but gave up half way. There are also many who completed their courses and found themselves not fit for what they want to do in life, eventually changed jobs of not what they have studied. The only way to narrow down is to find the feeling in yourself, what is that you want to become, the real possibility. I find art and animation is the closest and true to my feelings, thus I chose it.
I met people from different races, and we did group assignments not only with same badge, but also with other seniors who had the same class subjects. I tended to stick with Chinese more whenever I felt language barrier. Not all speaks English fluently. There's this Chinese guy who actually fell for me, but he's a real weirdo with mental and obsession otaku issues. He tried different ways to the point of wanting to become brother-sister bond just to hold my hand, for his inner goal. I never really like guys, I was still heartbroken on my first crush, I was bad mood with him around. He usually appeared in cosplay events like Hobbycon. It's a small event and the only anime fest without having to travel to peninsular to experience it. I saw him working in a camera store in Mid Valley once when I was still working here.
I met a senior college student at the college library, who was one year course delayed due to her religious activities. She was the one approached me. She had the same course as me, but she was more serious about faith in Christianity than paying attention in class.
Most of her peers graduated, which left no one knows about her in college. In her church, she's a complete different person, she's like a leader and big sister with much respect from her badge and juniors. She told me she grew up watching other generations growth in her church. She knew the juniors since they were toddlers.
There was one night, we were online and messaging each other. Things that she said prompt me to response in replying her not to keep to herself and let the cry out. I immediately receive her messenger voice call. She seemed pain but relieved that there's someone who understands her. Probably that's the first sparkle started in her to phone-called me almost every night after 10.30pm. I suddenly grew more attached to her because no one has ever have deep conversation with me before. WIth many nights of phone calls, never have I done this with my crush talking until dawn. She actually said that magic word that I never felt it coming in my life. "I love you."
We became close relationship in short months. Hanging out with her was
like experience love in youth, the 1% dream that could never come true. A
lot of things I never able to receive from my first crush, but I was able to have that chance, even though I already knew, she had an actual boyfriend and still attached to.
Her boyfriend was Roman Catholic, so it's understandable he rarely seen with her. The only times I see him is when she called him to pick us up. I got the feeling that he was jealous and wanted to show me she's his.
Because of trying to keep this relationship lasting and I believed religions wouldn't separate us if love exist, I reluctantly but endured having to listen church preaches, fellowship night and Sunday church activities and even religion events to a point of self struggle and betrayer of my religion that had almost brainwashed me. Yet, it's the only time I could spend seeing her and work with her whenever she needs me on video works. Being with her, pressure of assisting in multi of her faithful works and busy schedules was like skyrocket. We were always on the go, having lesser time in house. I have been to her house, she actually had bad relationship with her mother.
During the final project, we were partners in our last assignment. A sinful assignment to present.. a video about promoting her church.. the most sensitive topic to pick, I regretted about that.. but I brushed off somehow.. I didn't feel faithful to my religion and faked my true to not want to involve in any of religion works.
I crossed the line that she realized it's time to put a stop.. Our relationship felt short, because she chose faith in Christ. After all, same-sex relationship is forbidden in Christianity. It's heartbroken, but I chose to leave before I hurt myself any further.
A new life began - working in peninsular, leaving behind the painful past and moving forward. Romance was never fruitful in my kind. Searching for the one is like finding a tiny sand in water, drained away.
10 years now, venturing in this field as a graphic designer. I felt myself not fitted to be. At some point, I felt lost in this career. I don't really understand about graphic design. When real creative work comes in, I kept failing and feel exhausted trying my best on variety of options that I could came out with and mostly never get approve or selected.
Realizing myself turning 30s and only have fewer people who are much closer and would keep in contact with me is sour, but I appreciate having to focus only on them. I'm feeling fatigue more often yet my energetic heart keeps me alive. Those bloggers that I have known had already stop blogging. No one would be reading these, and I'm not expecting them to read my lengthy boring life. I can't say I'm reliable, but doing the best I can for others only if I have the knowledge and what went through. Some think I'm kind because I only know what I know, but most beyond my ability, I'm more of a "I don't know / Don't find me" person. Unless, it's someone I love, I guess I might go beyond ?
