The food I longed for is my mom's hot home-cook dishes. My childhood has its bright moment, also had alot struggle and coming out moment, so I wrote a lot of my encounters and feelings that I almost never share to, even mom. When I pack my old stuff, I realized just how scary to see the sight of special diaries I had been piling up all these years, even when I stay in Peninsular I still continue to write.
The last day of my visit, mom gave me a tight, warmth hug at the front door. I'm always suck holding up tears the moment the airplane wheels leave the ground. Then the Home-Shit-Home kicking in when fucker housemate leaving mess and his pet roaming around the unit, and deadline of works.
I'm 33, and I had been getting quite few occasions in this company for the past 2 years plus, my get-along and defenseless personality draws unwanted people with bad intention to harm my mentality that really depress me, I often get relapse in depression for the cause of having them entering my zone easily and attempting to manipulate me for their escape of problems.
One of these just happened 2 weeks before, it hit me to the point I lose the meaning of coming to office when you know you can't finish before deadline and you get scolded for somebody's shit that put in your shoes.
There was this project that started last year, I had prepared the early mock-up work and designs, but was never heard of any news until recently, so my proposal was never shown to boss until 2 weeks ago. Only then I was told the project, a 240page directory book need to complete in a week time to print for the event coming in March. Content Materials just got in and incomplete, and I had to prepare the inside design pages for every interview, foreword and sectors from scratch, design and input at the same time.
Before I start the book, I went through some materials, one that bothered me most was the listing. From the look of it, you don't know where to start the input as the files in 3 MS Word, listing weren't all in order, industries not arranged in group. So I brought this up to the person-in-charge, R, to sort it out properly before I could input them.
For him, telling me to copy and paste one by one with more than 20k of listing in 1 week of book completion? This is insanely impossible that I can't do and I repeatedly told him to do his listing properly, and he didn't back down and tried to run away by having me agree to do it. and I ended up stupidly agreed eventhough I tried,
telling him to sort out before I could do the input more than 3 times.
When deadline's gotten closer, the more my self destruct went for being pushed in. I broke down on 2 March 2022, Wednesday.
I visit clinic again. I feel defeated.. the moment when, I picked up the pen filling the form at the counter.. At first, I was just here for referral of a therapist, didn't think the doctor J would asked about me more, that had my tears dropped. She has that pure concern and had me ran a questionnaire test in Malay. I had to Google Translate every questions, and handed to the nurse at the counter after ... 20 minutes something..
I sat down and wait.
First in thought - I feel defeated.
Second thought, I should resign.
Third, I have the word in mind, "cut ties" with the designers, it's hard to part people whom you think are close to you.
About the third, I left my Youtube tab on Mac browser. An urgent amendment came up, one of my colleagues attended the matter, and found out my secret. (Well, I didn't really tell anyone directly to their faces that I'm LGBT. But )
Boss came, I couldn't present what he wanted to see that afternoon. Then again, boss returned with the "High-chair General" R, standing in a distance away enjoy watching me being scolded, given me that gesture "hi hi".
As soon as the discussion with boss was over, he once again approached me. Knowing he has lots to be done, yet he stopped by my desk, rested his arms on the partition comfortably.. I see no more chat to be discussed now all that's clear he's gonna takes back his shit and I on the other hand, gonna have another days of overtime or probably overnight work. Why..? Why still comes at me? So, immediately I put up defence and told him to leave, twice. He still want to try to open up conversation with me again., and guess what his question?
"Can you send me the word file?"
SERIOUSLY...?!! I really doubt his professionalism of how he SITS ON HIS POSITION. He's asking his own file from someone who's from another department, I'm not his secretary nor assistant, I'm not even from his editorial department, and he's asking his own work file FROM A FUCKING CREATIVE DEPARTMENT. Do you understand? It's like a lawyer is asking an engineer for his case file, why the hell an engineer would have a lawyer's case file in his laptop? The only sense I felt was, he's trying to pull a trick at me again, and I'm far exhausted to hear any of it, at the same time, I'm very pissed yet I can't have myself play in his palm for turning aggressive.
When he couldn't get what he wanted, he got upset and left with his worry.
I woke up, having these reverse moment again and again, thought about what my other self would had responded in the aggressive way to him finally get the message, how I wanted to say those sense and humiliation words straight to his fucking face from my other self over and over. That's what gotten me exhausted in the morning, that I couldn't feel peace.. I had to take the leave to deal with myself to calm down. It affects my day.. I can't work
I realized I can't go back to where I lived, because I'm an adult now. Like anyone else, I go where I go, do what and when I like to do, and would hate when somebody tries to interrupt and starts to judge me for what I do, act and speak, even my mom. Quiting job and flying home isn't my plan, but mom thinks it's my plan from the way she responded when I told her I might quit my job... This plan of hers could have gotten my depression more severe.
I get that why most adult children don't live with parents. I know my mom so well that if I were to live with mom again, I will have to give up fighting my voice again.. and conceal things I can't do or speak in front of her. Two things happened during CNY, and I find it a sign that I can't live on leash.
1. The tease message to brother.
To me, it's a friendlier bond with brother with tease message of nice food on table. To mom, she thinks teasing would bring negative energy and that brother wouldn't take it. Here's the thing, mother always judge on sight, that's how she sees people around, especially men, that includes my brother. And I, I'm not gifted to judge on sight, I think both side and trying my best building the bridge between mom and brother, that's the patience I'm gifted for, to bring mom along with brother and I looking at the present and future.
2. Looking at old album.
This one, mom realized only when I cried out my voice. Mom is looking at the past and present; Brother and I are looking at the present and future. Mom keeps talking about the past, while I try to move on from dragging back to our sad past. That's alot of struggle to have to keep my head sane for listening the past over and over which you can't fix it while dealing the present.
Restless, I'm demotivated. I skipped my Saturday online class, twice.
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