Cap in Plastic Bag

I never like celebrating birthday.
Don't ask why,
I hate the word "why" that comes from others.
because they insist to get answers from me
to make themselves contented,
for themselves.

I have no expectation.
experience and maturity all comes from
how much you learn
not how many years passed.

I have a colleague celebrating his birthday,
my mood swing today.
unexceptionally, I want to sit quietly doing my work.

I felt unresistant to provoke today,
I felt like hitting people,
I felt like screaming out loud.

The day before,
11 October, Thursday that afternoon,
One of the colleagues approached me,
asking whether to share the potion
to buy the birthday boy a present
for the following day.

I agreed.
Another request followed,
is to have me to buy the present.
A cap for RM60 budget divided by 3.

They said they were busy after work,
had me to handle the shopping present
as I would usually pass by the mall
on my way to train station.



Just as I reach the mall,
I went and survey a few brand outlets
as discussed before just in case plan A
doesn't work out.

(at first this was their ideal cap for present but it cost RM75-85.00)

even though they said their budget is RM60

I picked and checked the price,
and moving on to next and the next.
The branded seemed to be selling a ridiculous price
as high as RM200+ per cap.

The cheapest I could find is RM65 and RM42.

(Air Jordan was on sale for RM 70, while a grey cost RM20 higher than these three)

I took pictures and sent to my colleague over and over.
The texting began at 7.48pm and ended 9.17pm

I did had an eye on the RM42 from the beginning,
and would have guessed they would pick that for the budget.
I might do the same except
the quality which isn't my favourite choice
and were unsure the final decision from them.

What makes them to decide to buy a cap,
one must have calculated to faster solution,
for so they don't get their hands busy and worry
and it happened to me wearing one everyday,
I am their solution to deal with the present
that they don't give a damn time for it.

I was feeling upset at the time
of the unfairness of having me,
just me to find the present
for just
a word they utter "busy" and "text me, don't text him,"
and they can push the responsibility
and use my time,
rather than sharing the time
to buy together.
But...I agreed that second request..

I went short tempered,
all the sudden felling to senseless,
started complaining,
and feeling hate.
of myself,
not loving myself.

After I bought the cap in plastic bag,
and about to shove inside my bag,
I made that gentle approach,
rearranging a wider space
for it to rest,
the plastic bag is the only thing
to replace a present box
it can be easily ragged
if I went careless.

It's a present for the colleague,
I have to take good care of it,
I listened to myself as I walked on.

I had been used.
At the same time,
they made me fit for buying the present.

/one thing for sure is birthday colleague has similar
height and head size as I am,
that certainly not from their list,
it was from my consciousness.

( An only adult size, too big to fit for smaller head)

I would clearly know
whether the cap fits him
when I try on.

I really like the RM65
however it didn't fit in me
for its size, and so would he.

After depression,
cap has became inseparable.
It has became a part of me.



On the present day,
I did my part yesterday and wanted to pass on present,
one insisted I handling the present to the birthday colleague.
It did sounded an order to on of them,
to me,
I expressed in great disagreement,
if they want to share the potion of the present,
the 3 of us should work as team,
not order others around,
and it's not being sincere.

When he tried to reason me,
my last word was "Nonsense!"

And for the rest of the day,
I felt irritable of voices,
I couldn't stop hearing
that my head felt almost bursting,
I plugged in ear-set,
listening to songs that I first to hear,
those rhythm touches my inner,
sad voice of loneliness,
comforts me.

During the birthday celebration,
I was the camera and video in position,
I couldn't do more than that.

In the end,
my superior had no word
for the birthday colleague,
until my other colleague
represented our team
though unwillingly.

She too, may have felt
some unfairness
towards his character.


It may be a big scene birthday celebration
for one colleague unexceptionally the company
celebrates birthdays every end of the month.

He has presents , cake and sushis on the table,
that makes everyone envy,
I don't.

I will be turning 30
on the 1st day of Chinese New Year
in 2019.

It was said that turning 30 years old
marks the end of youth,
and the begin of adulthood.
I hate those twisted words.