4th May 2024, Saturday

All the sudden

I feel tired of socializing..

invincible expectation from distant people.

I have the urge of deleting every contacts,

quitting all classes 

and be an anonymous from everyone.

I want an exciting adventure with close people,

but not all are free and outgoing personality as me,

or due to my gender conscious, my finance, my social status, 

their marital status, I can't have that real fun with those people

as much as I wanted to be.

 

At every 90% ends with wiping my tears and 

walk with my shadow, pretending that I enjoy alone. 

The reason I sketch my manga is, I can create story

with the artist's ending.

 

I can't buy freedom on Earth,

neither I have freedom soul in the afterlife 

There's many barriers as I lack many knowledge,

expansion is a scary approach,

and takes many times of courage to take every steps.

I wanted to maintain those relationships I have,

but I often get forced indirectly to something I really not interested whenever I'm in their dens.

Sometimes I felt upset of being a piece of chess, a money tree, a "cheap & useful" friend, at the same time I won't want to hurt them by my true feelings.

Feeling on and off.

Happy and furious

Disappointed of my own action

leading me to self struggle.

I hated myself that I'm not as great as my brother, mother, cousins and relatives.

Gender and expectations.

I always thought I have strong will and never waver by anything.

But one last minute work came knocking my door can break my 2 months morning workout routine habit, eating healthy and sleep.. back to zero again.. Time and time I have to remind myself that's not going to make me reach my goal if I'm still that weakling soul looking out from window.