After that Langkawi trip, I tell myself that I don't want anymore, and rather be a lonely trip than hurting anyone. I sat down by the pool, gazing at the Moon.
days after my mom went back, I decided to look for my new bag that I was unable to find with mom. I bought eventually in one store, cost me RM149.00. I continued wander in Mid Valley, and ended up at Speedy store. I had quite less the entertainment and lesser sleep often. I thought I should browsed on movies that I have missed at the latest release DVD track. With the remaining money I got, I bought four DVDs.
Of all four, < Kimi No Na Wa> is the cheapest price but it's the best and worth watching it. I liked how the title unfolds from the story. Everything is so perfectly blend in.
As usual, I bought fried mee hoon with egg from a hawker in the morning, and ate it whenever I'm waiting bus. I got choked on the egg and that goes the beginning of my sick day.
10th May, Wednesday
Wesak day, the real sick starts in the wee hours, I got pain all over, and down to fever. I hardly walk normally, I visit a clinic after my attempt check confirmed.
I couldn't even finish half of the little plate... sicken me to a state of losing appetite to eat. I took medicine and lied down on bed. Mom call and found out I was on high fever.
A new housemate just moved next room, brought me food. I shouldn't have left my door open.
On the 4th day, my fever worsen because I didn't listen doctor to take a medical leave she applied me.. and I still chased to finish the video of Mother's Day for the Teacher and Parents day before 10am. It was hard time in the morning...
Just thought I was about to fully recover, I took Burger King for late lunch at 3pm+ during the busiest previous day. Everything seemed okay before I sleep. A sudden stab caused me to wake, and felt the stabbed on the lower right abdomen.
I felt something not right, and went for clinic again, got my blood and urine test, urine test is normal. Appendicitis is suspected and taking medicine to call off another day. I felt pain as I walk. 3pm, doctor said that I have mild infection on blood, and suggest me to check in hospital if it does not well.
I surf the internet about appendicitis, it doesn't have to be operation, 70% chances that antibiotic can actually heal minor infection, I share this news to mom, but as always... she never trust any word I shared, not until she finds out herself and agreed I continue monitoring the condition... Mom has been contacting me ever since, suggesting me on fruits to help release bowel.
One of them is sweet potatoes. So I bought back and made. I took countless sleep the entire weekend.
Just after I finished antibiotic that doctor prescribed, I request a reference letter from the clinic and visit UM Hospital in the early 7.10am. I told the doctor that I had dry lips and muscle cramp on the right abdomen. She check on me, and turned out fine. I guess antibiotic worked but just overdosed.
I left hospital about 10am thinking to straight to work but I didn't prepare my working equipment, so I can only decide to go back and take my rest. I stopped at KL Sentral for a meal before going back.
Work continues to pile up and I got lectured for not following up my task and got lectured again for not following up when boss forgets, I was to blamed all that time. I felt so unfair about..
And after all that work continues and weekend is again been taken away to work.
5th June, Monday
I started feeling anxiety about 3pm, emotionally burst around 4pm when lady boss still on her phone and job candidate approached me for leaving. All that effort he waits and time he spends wasted, it makes me very angry.
I don't remember all of their conversation of what they said to me, all I remember is visions and faults and my voice, from preschool to staff room and walk and walk, thinking walk out of this that it hurts everyone. I don't deserve to be concerned, I decide to resign.
I couldn't sleep the whole night, I spent the entire time with my eyes open wide, staring my my upper bed, my head feeling extreme exhausting, as it keeps spinning all those past like a novel pages, flipping and flipping till dawn.
6th June 2017, Tuesday
I had terrible time throughout the previous night. I couldn't sleep at all. All I had for is 2 pears for the entire day. Resenting and angry is all in my mind. Thinking to write resignation letter in the morning but I still got work to attend first. I was later told to have discussion about the chaos, with lady boss, and two senior colleagues.
Discussion at 4pm about the chaos I made. I broke down, head blanked, heart burns, I did my best to keep myself in control.. After that discussion, I confirmed to leave for company's good for I can't work in my condition like that. I don't remember how long I have been sitting near my laptop inside party room. I left at 6.10pm.
I walk along the highways to LRT Asia Jaya till night falls, an Indian elder on motorcycle stopped to check on me.. he concerned that I might do something stupid from that height, I am bonded to mother, so I cannot die.
I bought a drink from vending machine, drinking and tears rolling, headache visits.
I sat down on one side, waiting myself to calm and recover, but it never did. So I tried getting my book to sketch, it only helped me focus temporary.
I returned, lights off, sat down and tears continued..
8th June 2017, Thursday
I was given 2 days off. Today is the second day. The first day... it was complete headache, not until I finally calm about 9.45pm.
Today, I surfed the internet for my possible illness.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/mental-illness/basics/symptoms/con-20033813
I may have suffered mental disorder, and felt I have always had it back long before.. my condition matches almost in the list.. Come to think of it, all those unhappy things I caused because of this unconscious illness...
9th June 2017, Friday
Two days break over. My first day of work... from the start of stepping out my room, everything somewhat anxious me.. people pass by, crowds, nearby. I avoid most eye contacts, they got me afraid.. afraid I might hurt anyone... I distant them so badly..
My hand shaked, writing.. I talked not confidently... I had lost the mask to cover my face, like a blind who lost his stick. It takes time to rebuild one, and hope they don't force me to cause another chaos that I don't want to.
I have quite a few times meeting lady boss and my superior.. they put me to talk.. I know their concern.. but I don't want to talk about, I don't want brother and mother know of my condition.. I don't want brother to hate mother.
12th June 2017, Monday
A public holiday.. I kept myself in room for the third day, playing games - Witcher 3, Sims 4, to keep myself focus, stop myself thinking and sitting... I only walk out just for dinner..
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