Do you have your reason to live? How far will that be?

Committing suicide is something I would have done long time ago. Yes, I’m among the people who have suicidal tendencies. A world has its good and evil all made by human, but the bad has worsened, the good diminishing.

My name is Elernt, a queer’s name or Elaine, a birth maiden name given by my mother. With a surname Yee bestows by my biological father, I’m Elaine Yee as stated in identification card. I’m a working young adult living in an awful society with the least conflict, no natural disasters or fiery religion politic wars like Iraq war that has been fighting for decades. All I have peace living with the inflation in economy which sucks pocket-wallet. I despise living in one’s hand.

I had the one, first-sight love, which the society calls it unnatural or religion curses as forbidden love when I was 14. I knew my future won’t go as what’s fairy tales like or anime’s not giving up spirit for one they love truely. I cherish most of the time that I may never have another second chance in life to be with the loving dear to me even if she distant me.

The unnatural love I shared with which first turned up unacceptable by family and has tolerated for years, unrest from both sides. Feared of being unloved again, I suppressed my behaviour and motion to the likes of my family, but that never went well as they never try understand the mentality I’m forced to live on with.

Is what being true love to one has to be the opposite gender is mean true love while love is false if one is the same gender? Does gender really that matter in falling love? Why is there so many divorcees? Aren’t they true lovers? Isn’t true love comes from one’s wholeheart-fully? Well… it’s the chemical that made the different between us.. I will never want to be your friend or best friend.

When mentality goes about uncontrollable state, one may choose to end life as the easy way or continue to suffer with just anything one can do to make one-self pleasured bound with fate in eternity.

I lock myself in the shell when never-ending arguments and quarrels with mother. I fantasize to be pleasured, whether it sacrifices to be loved once again,  sadistic with immortal body, looking up to strong chara nii-san nee-san or clinging over-imagination love with familiar face that will never happen in real life. I began to think why my life ends up this way and will I be the one to decide my death date? My life shouldn’t exist at all when there’s no reason nor good future in.

I have an elder brother, intelligent yet rebellion. However he's successful in business career at young adult age, able to provide financial income for the household and even money to travel places he likes at the same time. During my further study without working experience nor earning income at the weakest period which sour my soul t being the useless, an "extra" in the family, bring a double cost of living and causing financial difficulties to the family. If I weren't born... brother would have been more attended and loved and live better, mother wouldn't had resigned the job she loved and stay connected with her colleagues. Father would have better money management to raise a warmth home he wants to live at peace..

 Even hospital has no cure for my heart. What’s least death can do? Even death can’t cure misery. How will death brings happiness to the families who give out all sweats to raise one dearly to them feel? This irresponsible of after death would bring more misfortune to the family, and it’s the most sinful death I do not want to happen to this broken heart family, despite taking so much hurtful discrimination from the closest family member.

I have a very loving mother who had tolerated all those years we have been living in one roof. She slowly accepted me and caring me more than ever before and greeted my elder brother and his lover as family heart-fully. We are just one broken yet fortunate family, just that time needs healing ones souls to the understanding level. I cried when mom’s ageing, because I couldn’t spend with mom’s energetic body any longer. I wanted her to travel while she still can. One day, she might not have clear vision to see her children or travels with.

She is the hateful one yet the most dear one that I have been holding up my life to be alive. I did rather choose mother than an unknown half to die with, although it’s bit hard to cope with her personalities. In honest way to say, it’s like an experience living with another pair, and what’s like when permanent life becomes. And.. I learnt that…. my personality, attitude and behaviour will revert to who I am and will never bring happiness to my future par. I can see myself clearly when living one roof with my mother.

The best woman will never be like what most men always want to have, because their eternal intolerable instinct never cherish and appreciate what the best woman gives them. Nag is care. Resigning job and make home comfortable is love. Stopping reckless risk is in fact treasuring dear life. Sharing knowledgeable brings awareness of ones’ living environment.

Finding a permanent reason to live a life for dear who raised me healthy, I have been asking myself, why we exist? And there must be a role why we exist in this world since human existence, in history. 

It may or may not be theory, everything exist has its meaning, from solid or watery ground to tiny living insects, plants and animals, all have roles in food chain cycle to make the Earth the only habitable place in the universe. I reason the role and it will be every "us" must exist as part of Earth's living cycle.

The unawareness society treating us being what taught we are evil in some religions or against nature, treating us below average of living things is all wrong as we have roles being the population-reducers in playing part of this habitable Earth.  

We are doing the control, by slowing human population in this overpopulation world, just tiny minor with least casualties unlike natural disasters that brought major misfortune lives. It's not like we are stealing or breaking other people's loves as a population-reducers, it's because the persons they loved are one of us kind, and many are still unconsciously living among

It's not just us as Reducers, there's many people out there choose not to have marriage bond and family at will. You might not agree this, I'm just sharing what I have been living to be myself. Well, it's my theory anyway, you can share if you have yours.

I have somehow let this "giving up life" a hold, thinking everyday is learning day makes what's being alive at least.